General It Is Not My Responsibility

[amethist]

It is not my responsibility to ensure my husband is well in all aspects.

It is up to him to actively take care of his own health, both physically and mentally. I should only have to give him the support and encouragement, if and when he struggles, not be there to hold his hand all the time.

After a really bad few days on Monday my husband did well and cleared most of his shed out, but tweaked his back, through his own stupidity. He had asked me to help him move the heavy tool box on the floor when he was ready, but then moved it himself. He said nothing until a few hours later, when he was in so much pain he had to have a soak in the bath and go to bed for a while. leaving half the stuff to be put back later.

Tuesday I went out for the day, thinking he had everything he needed for pain management. Paracetamol, Ibuprofen and a gel he could use along side both of these.

Yesterday, he was a bit up and down but better in both mind and body, having soak again, and taking pain meds as required, or so I thought.

This morning he was in a lot of pain again, so more pain meds, ( again I thought), more pain gel and off to rest.

It was not until after 3pm today, that i found out,

a) No paracetamol in the house since Monday evening.

b) He has been sitting with his feet up and back arched instead of sitting how physio told him.

c) Not eating unless I put it in front of him

d) Now blaming his head being in a mess on PTSD instead of his own mistakes

Then wondering why I am blowing my top at him this afternoon, when I actually did know yesterday we were short of Paracetamol, but why should I be the one to check everything, when it is not me who takes them. Why should it be me who makes sure he eats.

He is an adult for goodness sake, he has to take responsibility for himself, not expect me to know everything that is needed.

There is no excuses for this, his back has been an issue far longer than his PTSD, he knows what to do and how to manage it. If he had done this from the beginning his head would not be in a mess now.

With me climbing the walls in frustration of his stupidity. As well as idiotically putting off doing certain things in the house, in case I disturb him.

Talk about walking on eggshell, when I should be crushing them with hob nailed boots, for the world and his wife to hear.

Amethist

 

[Toria]

I'm not sure if this is a man thing - sorry all you men out there!!!! Or a PTSD thing. Husband also has a bad back and it plays up every so often. He hurt it 20 or so years ago in the Army and has a strong pain killer on repeat prescription. It was so bad a couple of years ago that he got stuck on the Doctor's couch on New Years' Eve and they put him on Codine and (I think) Tamazapam to get him through the holiday period. BUT on a day to day basis he'll say his back hurts, I will ask him if he's had a tablet and he looks at me like it's the most stupid suggestion in the world. So he suffeIrs - and I suffer with him... Your's is most certainly not the only one. x

 

[ISupportHer]

Simply? YES! It is not your responsibility. YES he has to decide to do what needs to be done. I can see that you are very frustrated by recent events. You have mega eggshells right now. Keep posting and we will be here to support and listen.

ISH

 

[BigBear]

I'm not sure if this is a man thing

I'm afraid that I'm going to have to say it's a man thing. At least the part about admitting that there is a problem... Angel says the same of me all of the time.

Bear

 

[ISupportHer]

One word Bear! Traitor

ROFL

ISH

<edited Nicolette: no need to quote entire post directly preceding reply>

 

[amethist]

Well he is now sulking like a big kid.

a) Because I did not have a meal cooked, not knowing if he would eat it, or what time he would want to eat it.

b) He is now in such a mess because he messed up, and trying to to turn it round on me saying I did not help by telling him what to do.

ER no, I explained again what the physio, told him about how to look after his back, and why because he won't go walking again, that the core muscles are not as strong as they should be, and that was his own doing by being so damn stubborn about it all again.

How about we put them both with a Physio, from the Russian weight lifting team Toria. I bet they both do as they should, without question then.

This time ISH, not a laughing matter, you men can be so damn stubborn, just for the hell of it at times.

 

[KP the nut]

Amethist, I am so sorry, I don't know what to say.

He does need to take responsibility sometimes, especially for his meds. How about his next birthday enroll him for cookery courses then he may get the idea it would be nice if he were to cook occassionally :eek:. My H cooks and finds it relaxing and theraputic, he goes into the kitchen, puts on loud music and creates - and yes, he cleans up after himself.

I think a shopping trip is needed and ((HUGS))

 

[amethist]

He can cook KP, he used to cook for me all the time, and so many different things too.

Unfortunately after burning food and braking dishes after PTSD, he has lost his confidence and rushes it too much now. He has also cut himself badly once, by breaking a glass, tried to make out it was not too bad, but it needed more attention than what I could do and I had no steri strips in.

I have had him helping me at times, but he walks away and leaves things on the cooker top and under the grill. Turns the oven up too high, loads of stuff he never used to do. When I asked why this happens, he says he gets confused and lost with it all now.

I even bought an electric can opener to make it easier for him, but after one tin would not open with it, he abandoned that too. Easy for me to use though, especially when my hands ache.

I tried to teach him how to bake bread at one point, but he lost interest in that.

His PTSD meds are not a problem as he puts them into a med organizer every morning. It the pain meds that is the problem just now. Trying to get him to remember them, or put them in an organizer, but then he forgets when he took them or just thinks because it doe not hurt after one day of taking them it will be fine. Or like this time, not letting me know we were running short, so ran out and suffered more than he had to.

Shopping trip is definitely needed. A holiday would be even better. Not had one for 4 years now. :(

 

[OKRADLAK]

As a sufferer, I have to respectfully disagree. I do not mean any disrespect, but we have a right to not take care of ourselves. It is a choice to be with a sufferer. It is your responsibility to see how much you can take and if you can't take it then you have to choose to stay or leave.

Often carers have tried to tell me what to do or overestimated what I can do. I can do A LOT at times, and at other times, darn near nothing.

If I just stayed at the lower level of functioning then they would say nothing. They would just say, "She can't" But because I TRY AND I TRY and go to the higher level when I am able, then they assume I CAN BE THERE ALWAYS if I want. Like it is a choice. Like I want to be incompetent.

This is just my perspective. I hope I did not offend any of you carers because I know you care.

 

[amethist]

Big Bear, you were spot on it was a man thing.

He came down last night just before I went to bed, with his sheepish embarrassed face look, asking for gel on his back, then almost burst into tears about how he had behaved, apologizing all the time while I was rubbing the gel in.

I then sat and calmly asked him what this was all about, was it stubbornness or PTSD. He explained it was stubbornness at first, trying to do more than he knows he can, and then being the "I can cope with the pain, I'm a man thing", then PTSD kicking in because he knew he had got it wrong. Also saying if he had done what he knows he should have done, and how the Physio had explained it to him, exactly as I had done too. I would not have had to suffer, because of what he did, and it was his fault, not mine. He also admitted to sulking, because I left him to deal with it, and not wiping his butt for him.

So from being a problem for maybe 2 days, has turned into at least 4 days of pain for him.

He apologized for turning it all against me, but I was there and in the firing line. So I got the blame for no paracetamol being in the box, and no meal ready. He knows I will help him with anything, but won't step in as I used to as soon now, because he can do it himself and has done many times.

OKRADLAK, this is not about me not being able to cope with all this, this is about my husband now being able to think clearly and do more for himself in all ways. 4 years of supporting and getting him to the place he is at now has not been easy, but I am still here still supporting him, still loving the man I married, but not wrapping him in cotton wool as I may have done in the past. Maybe too much at times, but now it is his turn to do what he knows he should and can, and not waiting for me to do it for him. But when boundaries are crossed, then I am not going to except responsibility for his mistakes.

 

[Toria]

Russian Pysios...? Hmmm... you've got me thinkking now ;) I am really glad that Husband realised what he had been doing and the impact that it has had on you this week - to me that would be a big step forward.

I had the opposite this morning - came downstairs to find a pack of Ibuprofen on the side. Asked him what was wrong and did his head hurt, I got "I'm fine" and that was it. So I came to work early, spoke to my friend and now I'm happy. But that in itself makes me feel bad :confused: lol

OKRADLAK I just wanted to say to you that I think you are right - as carers it is our choice to stay or to go. For me, going is not an option but staying sure as hell isn't easy and it's talking to people on here that sees me through. I think we all hope for the best from our sufferers and when - like you - they make a supreme effort and have a good day we know that they are capable of good days and good things. To me it's like a glimpse of days gone by, and that's why it is all the more sad when that is followed by a bad day or if that person seems not to be making the previous effort. I don't pretend to understand, but I do try and I hope you don't mind me saying all that x

 

[intothelight]

Amethist,

All I can say is that you have got it in regard to supporting your husband. Really, the support that you provide is the kind of support that should be found in all healthy relationships. Everyone needs to be responsible for certain things and accountable for their actions and results.

I am writing the following, not assuming that your husband is experiencing this. This is my own experience, but others may find some similarities in it. As I am getting better, I am trying to figure out what I am and am not capable of. I remember what I used to be able to do, and now I am trying to figure out what I am able to do. My behavior can seem odd at times, especially when I appear to take on more and more. It is not that I am throwing caution to the wind and trying to make myself sick. It is more of seeing what my boundaries are, basically finding my new normal. Some days I surprise myself and those around me. Other days I fall down, but I tripped myself and need to pick myself up.

The only analogy I can think of is watching a child learn to walk. They cruise along the furniture, but eventually let go and make those first tentative independent steps. We watch and hold our breath, proud they are walking, but at the same time scared they will hurt themselves. But they fall and we let them, because if we didn't they wouldn't learn to walk. PTSD is a lot like that, we fall and hurt ourselves. It is OK to kiss the boo boo, but we must get back on our feet and continue walking.

Supporters are amazing people. Don't ever blame yourselves when we stumble and fall. It is OK and most of the time we don't break.