Relationship It Might Be Time To Throw In My Cards....

[glass half full]

I'd love some feedback on this, please. Its been seven weeks since my sufferer went dark. He stopped communicating with me a couple of hours after receiving an intimate pic from me- one he asked for. I've been around the forum long enough to know not to take that personally, although I sure did at the time.

During this time I've let him know that I've reached out for help, that I've gained valuable insight and that I will do all I can do be here for him, support him, love him. I said I can't do that very well if he pushes me away or shuts me out though. Yet, with the exception of one brief email saying- I'm ok thank you- he's continued to push me away and shut me out.

For weeks I've hung in there, been strong, learned a ton and probably have developed a fairly good idea of what's going on with him. All that work doesn't keep me warm at night, nor does it fill the hole in my heart. Yes, his employment contract ends,in 6 weeks, yes I have no doubt that's very stressful for him. And no doubt, if he comes home in June that won't bring resolution or put us back where we were the last time he was home.

I love him, but its nearing the point where I'm not sure I remember why I love him- it may be just a habit and a belief that I continue carrying around. He's kept me at a distance that long. I'm sure if I heard from him I would feel differently, but since he began isolating in late February a little voice in my head told me this was probably going to continue until June. Looks like that little voice was right. I am not sure anymore why I want to do this or if there's any point to it- if he's isolated for seven weeks- except for one email- isn't it a waste of time to think he'll be back?

I try, but struggle with why someone would do this to someone they say they love. I'm just not able to do the intellectual work to get there today- today is about me and what these seven weeks have done to me. Its been about him the rest of the time- today is me. And me isn't so sure there's any point in hoping, even after all the reasons I've identified or others have pointed out to me.

I was invited out to dinner on Saturday by a very nice and attractive man today. I said yes. That doesn't mean that I'll hit it off with this man, but it does mean that seven weeks have worn heavily on me and i don't know what the point is of waiting on the man i love anymore. I'm tired....

 

[shimmerz]

I was invited out to dinner on Saturday by a very nice and attractive man today. I said yes.

Smart. Live your life. Have a terrific time on Saturday.

 

[glass half full]

Smart. Live your life. Have a terrific time on Saturday.

Thank you. I wish it hadn't come to this point. I'm very low maintenance and it would have taken very little on his part- but it is what it is.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You were patient and compassionate, and you deserve to have somebody put that much effort into you as well.

Have fun on Saturday. :)

 

[glass half full]

You were patient and compassionate, and you deserve to have somebody put that much effort into you as...

Thank you Sweetpea. I've got tears rolling down my face right now- for the first time in all these weeks. I couldn't let it out before. Maybe I'm ready to let the hope or perhaps it was a fantasy- go. If he does show up again I won't cut him out, but it seems less likely as time passes.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm so sad for you. You have done everything you could. Waiting only makes sense when you can feel confident that what you're waiting for is worth the wait, and he's given you no reason to feel that way.

Live your life. Have an awesome time! You don't need to commit yourself to anything, just let things happen....

 

[glass half full]

I'm so sad for you. You have done everything you could. Waiting only makes sense when you can feel...

Thank you. I felt confident until yesterday. Not sure why that crumbled so quickly, but maybe because the foundation wasn't that strong to begin with... I feel pretty raw, I'll definitely be taking things slowly for awhile

 

[Deleted member 33052]

If you need support, you know where to find us. :hug: if you accept

 

[glass half full]

If you need support, you know where to find us. :hug: if you accept

Thank you Mal- I absolutely accept ! There's really nothing on his side that's changed- he was actually silent on social media for three weeks until yesterday, which I would think is an indication that he's isolating generally, not just from me. I would seen that as a good thing - sort of- previously, but I just am honestly so wrung out from this. I feel a little selfish, because I'm sure its worse for him- but this is me day- and me ass is tired.

 

[joeylittle]

I just am honestly so wrung out from this. I feel a little selfish

It's never, ever 'selfish' in a negative way to take care of yourself. No matter what - you clearly need a break. So, take a break. Let him go, like you are doing. And have a really nice, fun, distracting date!

 

[glass half full]

It's never, ever 'selfish' in a negative way to take care of yourself. No matter what - you clearly...

Thank you Joey. I so much appreciate the feedback I've gotten. It means a lot to me. I'm no quitter and for me to loose confidence in my decision as quickly as I have is out of character for me. Being strong has been hard work and I'm not getting anything in return and I'm just out of steam. I may feel differently in a few days, then again I might not. One of the things I've learned here is that despite his PTSD and how that complicates his life- it does not make him unable to make choices and his continued silence for another three weeks after his email is a choice. I've understood for some time that our relationship posed more challenges than usual for him. Before me he chose women who he knew did not want to live here and he was absolutely certain he was coming back, since he bought a house after his divorce and has been updating it slowly. I'm the first one in 12 years who would even consider living here, because I already do. He knew the others were only temporary for that reason. But- if you dont water your plants, they wither....

 

[Friday]

I'm just not able to do the intellectual work to get there today- today is about me and what these seven weeks have done to me. Its been about him the rest of the time- today is me. And me isn't so sure there's any point in hoping, even after all the reasons I've identified or others have pointed out to me.

FWIW I believe this is the way it should always be.

I don't use the words should or always lightly.

I mean it, however. Whether a first date or 10 years into marriage.

Compromise? Compromise is what life is built off of, in my experience, especially in regards to relationships. Sacrifice, on the other hand? Sacrifice is crossing your own boundaries, asking more of ourselves, or someone else, than any of us are capable of giving. Sacrifice is possible in the short term, but never in the long term. Unless you're willing to be miserable.

Life is too long to be miserable. Joy is too precious.

None of the above means some kind of headlong plunge into narcissistic selfishness. It means knowing ourselves. Or, at the least, being honest in coming to know ourselves. (Because there are firsts for everything, and while me might know how we'd like to think we'd react? Until we've actually don't a thing, we don't know how we're actually going to react). Knowing ourselves, what were capable & willing to do, and being true to ourselves... Is strength. It gives us a foundation to work off of. Without that strength? Without that foundation? Things just don't work. If we're not strong in ourselves, how can we be strong for someone else? And in a relationship, someone else always needs our strength. Just like we need their strength. So we have to, have to, take care of ourselves, first & foremost.

Compromise... Means staying within our strengths. I'm happy. They're happy. Both of us get what we need, even if it's not what we want.

Sacrifice... Means losing something valuable. Working beyond what we're capable of doing. Only one person getting what they need/want, and the other person not even getting needs met, much less wants met.

It sounds like you've been sacrificing.

Is it possible to come back from that? Hell, yes*.

It's always possible to come back from sacrifice, by changing things around so that both people get their needs met. ((Not by doing what a lot of people try & do by changing 1 person sacrificing for the other person sacrificing, or both people sacrificing!!!. Same problem. Needs aren't being met. Tit for tat doesn't work.))

*T hat's not hope. That's practicality. Can 2 people come back, and have both sets of needs be met? Sometimes. Not always. But sometimes. So, yes, it's possible. Here's the checklist :

- Both people want to
- Both people understand their needs & their wants & ARE HONEST about them.
- Both people get their needs met.
- Both, Either, or Neither get their wants met.

So it's a mighty tall thing to climb. And 1 person can't do it on their own.