Hello everyone, I am new to these forums. I am a police officer and have been diagnosed with PTSD and off work for over a year now. The incident started about 5 years ago but was ignored until last year. I have just recently took it upon myself to seek more help, other than therapists because I have just begun to realize how my life is falling apart. This is going to be a long post, but I appreciate anyone that reads it entirely and offers input.
I was in a common-law relationship with a wonderful woman. Over the 4 years we were together, she watched my condition deteriorate and stood by my side helping me, consoling me and putting up with my outbursts. Over time I became very distant, angry, and unemotional. I would look for any reason to fight, driving and crowds threw me over the edge and I would shut down and put up a wall any time my spouse would try to express her feelings. I drove her away and told her I did not want to be with her anymore. I called her one day and told her I made a huge mistake and she was willing to maintain contact even though she was more than 17 hour drive away. We had a couple visits and things were going well, until she came out for Christmas. Between our last visit and Christmas I started to pull away again, and when she arrived I treated her like garbage and she left early, calling it quits and we never spoke for a few weeks after. I immediately jumped into dating but those relationships faded quickly when all I could think of was my ex. I tried to tell myself we just fell out of love but really I, for some reason was running away. Once I realized she was the best thing that ever happened to me I began soul searching, trying to find the causes of my outbursts and control issues. I have come to some realizations and have begun looking for ways to fix them and become a better partner. I have been in contact with her now and like before told her I made a huge mistake and this time told her I was willing to do whatever necessary to restore our relationship to what it was in the beginning. At first she refused, told me she has moved on and is actually being happy with herself again. She is starting to come around now that I actually have a plan and have identified a lot of my triggers and emotional absence but tells me she is afraid that it will be just like the last time. I have done whatever I can to convince her of my sincerity. I even offered to pay for a trip to Europe so we could take that vacation I promised and re connect and still she hasn't accepted.
I realize I have done a lot of damage but I have actually put in some leg work this time and not just made empty promises. I am seeing Dr's, a therapist, and a psychiatrist. I want her to move back and we can work on things together. She says its better and safer if we do the work on our own. Any input or similar situations would be greatly appreciated.
I should also mentioned I have alienated everyone else in my life as well.
I was in a common-law relationship with a wonderful woman. Over the 4 years we were together, she watched my condition deteriorate and stood by my side helping me, consoling me and putting up with my outbursts. Over time I became very distant, angry, and unemotional. I would look for any reason to fight, driving and crowds threw me over the edge and I would shut down and put up a wall any time my spouse would try to express her feelings. I drove her away and told her I did not want to be with her anymore. I called her one day and told her I made a huge mistake and she was willing to maintain contact even though she was more than 17 hour drive away. We had a couple visits and things were going well, until she came out for Christmas. Between our last visit and Christmas I started to pull away again, and when she arrived I treated her like garbage and she left early, calling it quits and we never spoke for a few weeks after. I immediately jumped into dating but those relationships faded quickly when all I could think of was my ex. I tried to tell myself we just fell out of love but really I, for some reason was running away. Once I realized she was the best thing that ever happened to me I began soul searching, trying to find the causes of my outbursts and control issues. I have come to some realizations and have begun looking for ways to fix them and become a better partner. I have been in contact with her now and like before told her I made a huge mistake and this time told her I was willing to do whatever necessary to restore our relationship to what it was in the beginning. At first she refused, told me she has moved on and is actually being happy with herself again. She is starting to come around now that I actually have a plan and have identified a lot of my triggers and emotional absence but tells me she is afraid that it will be just like the last time. I have done whatever I can to convince her of my sincerity. I even offered to pay for a trip to Europe so we could take that vacation I promised and re connect and still she hasn't accepted.
I realize I have done a lot of damage but I have actually put in some leg work this time and not just made empty promises. I am seeing Dr's, a therapist, and a psychiatrist. I want her to move back and we can work on things together. She says its better and safer if we do the work on our own. Any input or similar situations would be greatly appreciated.
I should also mentioned I have alienated everyone else in my life as well.
