It's Baaaack....

[AzureMind]

I'm back in the "Black Hole" I fought SOOOOO damned hard to get out of....Feeling numb, detached, and frequently angry was my normal emotional range....now I'm so empty and devoid of hope, I just want to bleed and cut out my insides, and then die....I try to block my feelings by dissociating them (I don't have time in my life to suffer from them being so busy with my degree and my future plans) but then when I'm fully conscious, they come back, and I feel so lonely that I can't see any point in going on....I'm having some internal struggles right now as well that are REALLY depressing to me, and make me feel like I'm a worthless dog chasing it's tail....looking for a love that never really was there....I just don't want to be conscious anymore....being in the "here and now" sucks....what's so great about waking up to an emotionally callous family and world at large? I'm all out of fight....

I'm so goddamed tired of the same shit....I've had these feelings I'm sure for a VERY long time, and they've just gone underground, only to (every so often) erupt and cover my with negativity, self-loathing, and misanthropic hatred for everything....The thing that makes me feel this way is the "imbalance" that life presents me.....SOME people get to walk down the street and never know what it feels like to be afraid for their lives or to go home, SOME people never have know what it's like to be hated, unloved, and can f*cking SMILE just because the god-damned sun came out and shines on their ass....f*ck....I'm beyond pissed....life is a f*cking toss of the cosmic coin....that's f*cking it....a simple "twist of fate" is all that stands between someone who's "Good" (someone who never knows betrayal, pain, suffering, hatred etc) and someone who's "Bad" (someone who suffers chronic abuse, a desire to just "terminate", and is fundamentally ignored, and denied basic rights, and needs as a human being)

What kills me, KILLS ME, is that life is broken down into two factions: the HAVES and the HAVE NOTS; SOME are loved, and SOME are hated, SOME are lucky, and SOME can't catch a f*cking breath let alone a break....where's the f*cking justice for those that suffer? Where's the respite for those that survived WARS at home, and barely making it out with by the skin of their teeth?! I f*cking hate that f*cking coin.....JUST BE f*ckING CAUSE MY COIN TOSS LANDED ON TAILS RATHER THAN HEADS, PEOPLE ACT LIKE I'M f*ckING 'DAMAGED GOODS'.....You guys know what I mean; that look you get from people when you're having "The worst day of your life.....PART 22" except EVERYDAY is horrible, and you hate them for being so f*cking wrapped up in their f*cking fantasy world.....jeezus it makes me want a vomit.

I just wish it could be over already....waking up going to a job and doing all these things that ultimately do nothing to bring me any real peace and joy....life just feels worthless....nothing gives it purpose....not weed, sex, food, nothing....I just want to go away and never come back....

 

[ronin47]

You sound a lot like me the first time I tried to kill myself. It felt like everytime I'd managed to pull myself out of a hole there was another one to fall into. There was no other means of escape. My life was a very tragic story, and, for a while, I was very angry about it. Trouble was, as I eventually discovered, being angry about the hand I'd been dealt brought me nothing except more pain.

I continuously slipped back into that same "black hole" that you speak of. I would sink into full blown crisis mode, reach out for help, and someone would pull me out, just beyond the reach of said crisis mode. They would get me back to "baseline." However, once I got out of the red zone, for one reason or another, the process got cut short. And inevitably when my circumstances got ruffled, I would fall back on what I knew. In other words, I would only get out of the hole, I never, for a long time, turned around and filled the hole. You can't fill that hole with things, you can't fill it with drugs, sex, friends, a career, a frat house, or anything like that. My first real therapist phrased it beautifully to me once when he said, "If you woke up tommorrow and the world was exactly the way you wanted it to be, you still would not be okay." Yes, you got a raw deal. There is no way anything that happened to you was fair. However, I've got news for you; being angry about it and hating others for not understanding is not the way to improve it. You need to focus on yourself and your recovery, not the rest of the world and what you think they should be doing or should've done because you can't control what other people do. And you certainly can't alter what's already been done.

You mentioned you're trying to deal with your feelings by disassociating. Azure my friend, that's exactly why you can't get rid of them. If you want to feel better all the time and in the long run, that's not the way to do it. You're covering you wound with a band aid when really you need stitches. It feels good for a few moments but it fixes nothing. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but you're dealing with your pain in all the wrong ways; taking it out on others, escapism/suppression, mood altering substances, etc. I can't make you give up any of those things, only tell you that as long as you cling to them, you will continue to fall into that black hole.

Besides, it's not as black and white as flipping a coin. Everything depends upon context, and I mean everything. The meaning of words depends up context. The word "paint" can be either a noun or a verb depending on the context of the sentance.

Consider this; an eighteen year old girl has her GED but no high school diploma and a job at a grocery store that allows her to suppor herself. She is pregnant and her baby's father is not living with her but is in the picture. That doesn't sound like much right? Sounds like this girl is a bit of a low life? Well what if I told you she was forced into prostitution at age 12 and kept in the control of her pimp for years. She dropped out of school in the eigth grade and was kept on cocaine by her pimp so he could control her and abusing drugs was the only way she could cope with the humiliation of having sex fifteen time a day. She was raped more than once and was shot when she once tried to refuse having sex with someone. Considering that, her story goes from being nonchalant to an inspiring one of incredible resilience and fortitude. Think about it, those who acheive even moderate success despite great difficulties are admired far more than those who had everything going for them.

And in my opinion; if you want charity, look to those who have known poverty. If you want comforting, look to those who have known sorrow. If you want healing, look to those who have known pain. Those who have known adversity have the ability to take their pain and turn it into something to offer the world far greater than anything those who have never known hardship.

Besides, you don't know what kind of lives the people around you have lived. You don't know what kinds of challenges they've faced. They may just be at a point in their healing process where they have made peace with their past and learned to focus on their future. They may have faced difficulties like yours just to a lesser degree. Like I said, it's not so black and white as you think. I got PTSD from my child abuse, but I've met people here on this forum who have suffered more than I ever did. Does that mean I have no idea what they must be feeling?

The only thing you can control is you. Even if you feel out of control right now, you have the power to seek help, and trust me, you can't get beyond this without help. If your happieness is always dependent upon your surroundings, you'll never be happy. Last but not least, please message me if you want to. I'm always there with an open ear.

 

[AzureMind]

All of what you say is right, but still the numbness remains, The only thing that pumps blood through MY veins is revenge, and the power to NEVER be that weak again.....I hate to say it, but others circumstances aren't my own, and everyone copes differently depending on their own abilities, and coping mechanisms....if filling myself with feelings of power is what heals the feelings in me than so be it; who would come to my aid if I needed it? No one that's who, and I won't be held accountable for saving anyone else either, there are no superheroes just people trying to climb out of this bucket we're all placed in, to differentiate themselves from "lesser" people through riches, and advances in their careers; they give up their humanity just so they can convince themselves they're better, superior, and above the rest.

Humans can't protect/save/love each other, (at least not wholeheartedly and altruistically) and are no better than animals; they give birth to children, abuse them, abandon them like trash, and leave the "thing" to grow up for itself, locked in it's own torment...there are ANIMALS that are better parents than that! The human animal is by far the weakest, and most dependent on the parents who have the "choice" to love them or hate them, or "take care of them" and completely LOATHE the offspring, and push their resentments onto the child. I survived, I made it through to what? To pity? to having someone "love me through the pain?!" lol I don't want pity, pity makes you weak, and you can't miss what you've never had...I wouldn't entertain pity if I had the choice.

I'm sick and tired of other people and THEIR problems. Love is a game you can't win, it's the metaphorical carrot on the string no one EVER wins; It's rooted in selfishness and desire, and honestly I'm sick of it's double sided nature; it's given only to be with held at the givers convenience...it's emotional ammunition to load a gun, and fire numb/hate filled hollowpoints...it completely DISARMS you, and weakens you....I'd rather just be numb to it all, and I think it's better than being subject to be swayed back and forth between love and hate, and other people's melodrama.

So I learned these lessons in my life...."Why be the victim, when you can be the aggressor? Why be weak, when you can be strong? Why be sentimental when you can be unsparing?" I was emotional and I was wounded, damn near KILLED for it, but now that I'm COMPLETELY NUMB, there's no pain...there's nothing, but the reality of the situation which rings in my head like an 8 AM alarm clock; "Life is about the strong; ONLY the strong survive, and the victims die"....doesn't seem like much of a choice now does it?

Sorry for the wasted time Ronin....I don't even know what I'm saying at this point....it's just words, more emotion than anything, just more evidence pointing to a failed attempt at a reason to live....what's the point of life anyway? What makes it any worse than death?

 

[ronin47]

Consider this for a moment. Let's say hypotheticaly you dispensed with the drama and were able to find a way to at least begin to let go of your anger and desire for revenge. What would happen? How would you picture that being different from the way you are now? I gaurantee your heart would not stop for one thing. What would happen if you were not so angry all the time?

 

[kimba]

Hi Azure-
I understand how much pain you are in. But where you are now, you aren't living either. If you want to live and become the person you know deep inside you can be without the anger and hatred, you need to level off. Forget about retribution, anger and hatred as they are just a waste of precious energy you need to use to find a way to let go and heal yourself. Being powerful doesn't make you right as you've seen. please try to take the high road and take care of yourself so you can really live. The more hatred and anger you have, the more power those who hurt you have. Be more powerful than they are and let go and help yourself. Not all humans are the way you've come to expect- I promise.:inlove: