It's Back

[Forgetful]

I was DX with MDD 31 years ago at the age of 19. Between then and 5 or 6 years ago I have been in and out of therapy, on and off meds, and a handful of hospitalizations. Within all those years I have had periods of good times as well as some very dark times. Throughout those years in suffered from some symptoms of PTSD but I wouldn't talk about my trauma so I didn't get that DX until 5 or 6 years ago.

During that last hospitalization I finally talked about it and at my first follow up appointment the Pdoc dug deep into my past and said that along with MDD I have PTSD.

During that last "vacation" in the hospital (3 months long) I received ECT due to long lasting, treatment resistant depression. I was kept at the hospital so long because my med were changed often. They had to find one that helped but didn't cause severe side effects. Then the ECT treatmentso were 3x a week for 6 weeks.

The ECT destroyed my memory but significantly reduced the depression. Then last week my Pdoc became concerned because of the answer I gave to a question she asked. She asked if I felt depressed. I said no, but she wasn't convinced. After she asked alot of questions she said I was but didn't recognize it because it isn't as bad as it was and that I was comparing it to that.

I don't want to go back down that road and I'm really hoping it's because it's Christmas. I was in a really dark place before and I don't think I can fight it that hard again.

 

[joeylittle]

@Snafu, I don't have much to say except that I hear you. I've got treatment resistant MDD, and the holidays are certainly harder than the normal times, if for no other reason than the short days. Keep being honest with your psych. And remember, you know more about it than you did before.

Do you do any DBT? Even if you don't - mindfulness in simple ways can help you stay in the present and not grow those fears about the worst of it coming back.

Thinking of you.