Childhood Its Just A Book

[KeepingTime]

@Ragdoll Circus you're right. It may not be the last...it never seems to be the last. And it's not going to fix everything. I have just put so much pressure on myself for this one and I'm not sure why. I've done this before and I know how it works. And I forgot...that remembering isn't the final piece...uggghhh. Then there is the learning to live with it. And the feeling part. I just got so focused on remembering.

 

[Sideways]

S'ok. We're working on remembering at the moment. The stuff that comes after, that's a bridge to cross when you get to it:)

 

[KeepingTime]

@lostforgottensoul im almost embarrassed to say that this is my second round of therapy. I did almost 12 years with this same T then thought I graduated...only to end up back there 8 months ago after another trauma (kidnapped and robbed at gunpoint last september) which has retriggered all of this again. The first round of therapy was so focused on my instability and some older trauma. Just digging into this younger trauma now for some reason. Best guess is that my life is finally stable enough and/or that both of my parents are now gone and it's safer to remember.
I think I was able to hide my dissociation before even from my T...or it was passed off as a manic episode with a bipolar dx.
He asks me often where did I go...I never have an answer because I don't remember. I guess "away"is a legit answer.
The change in how he was keeping me reeled in and then not so much makes me think it's deliberate whatever the reason. I may try taking a comfort object in with me. He keeps saying he's afraid I'm going to rip my finger off pulling at my rings. :)

Do you ever worry that you will go way and not come back?

Thank you for reminding me...it is a marathon not a sprint. I'm just so ready to see that finish line!

 

[KeepingTime]

@Ragdoll Circus hugs if you want them. I know you're struggling too.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you ever worry that you will go way and not come back?

Nah, "my world" is great but I have a life here too! ;)

im almost embarrassed to say that this is my second round of therapy. I did almost 12 years with this same T then thought I graduated...only to end up back there 8 months ago

Why? That just means you are trying and actively working to better yourself! Therapy shouldnt be shameful! I had to tell my boss due to schedules going to mon-fri :mad: that I must must must have time for my Drs so i had to tell her i go to therapy weekly and my pain dr once every 2 weeks. I wasnt embarrased. Hell, my first meeting with her i ran off fast "ive gone off on customers, im working very hard to never let that happen again, i have PTSD, BPD, GAD and on medication for massive anxiety" :inpain: did I just say that?

The change in how he was keeping me reeled in and then not so much makes me think it's deliberate whatever the reason.

I think so too.

He keeps saying he's afraid I'm going to rip my finger off pulling at my rings.

OMG I MUST always be doing something with my hands. Usually ripping something apart. When i walk in he always brings his little garage can from by his desk and sets it by the couch! :roflmao::shy:

 

[KeepingTime]

I just fear that he won't be able to pull me back one if these times. Not that the "other side" is pleasant enough to stay there. Lol after all we dissociated from that place once already right! :)

Not embarrassed so much a feeling like I should have finished by now. And Having to go back into therapy just seemed like admitting failure to me. I get that I had a legit reason to go back. And after 5 years away, the expression on his face when I walked back in was priceless. Like WTH happened? I wonder how I could think I was "healed" when I had this much left in me to finish....just makes me doubt that it will ever be finished. Or always wonder what lurkes beneath the next time I feel healed.

I know. Just worry about nothing I can control...

LOL So what was your boss's response to your anxious rattlings?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@KeepingTime I can so relate to "should of been done with this" and wanting to catch up as I just moved blame off of me mid Jan and ive been running full hilt since. I dont stop for a sip of water or to say hey to a passer by as I should lol.

LOL So what was your boss's response to your anxious rattlings?

She didnt really have a response but I learned yesterday when I was freaking out about this new (completely f*cking dumb ass) change to Mon - Fri schedules and im like freaking 100 mph and she had to say "STOP"....."Ok now breathe"..."we will work it out"...a few times, that she suffers from anxiety too. Not sure sups just tell anxious people that cuz my last sup said the same thing lol.

My therapist said he had panic attacks once and had to be on medication for a while.

I dont think we will ever be forever disocissated as the two times i lost memory of how i got from point A to B i came out of it automatically.

My therapist reads my body language and my micro expressions (damn him) so i can talk to him without saying a word, or just nodding or shaking my head no. Ive done that a few times.

 

[KeepingTime]

Went to T today. Really didn't talk about the book specifically tho I'm sure what we did talk about somehow is connected. Everything seems to be connected.

He did tell me that last week while "reading" the book I tore THE page and threw it. I can't imagine myself doing that and I certainly don't remember it. I can't access anger. It's not allowed...it was never allowed in my world. Anger was the work of the devil.

I've had this flash...a man that was a friend of my dad...he breathed through a hole in his throat. I remembered that he Used to bring me candy. I was 4 or 5. I can feel his breath in me through the hole. It's wet like spit. Having to get the candy out of his pocket. But daddy was always there when he came over. Idk if it pertains to the book but it's a really distressing feeling in my stomach.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Idk if it pertains to the book

A trake, and it likely does, or you wouldnt have that feeling.

When you tore the page you disocissated to feel the anger. Have you ever felt like theres another "person" in you? Like I can feel a child inside of me and "she" comes out at night and quite often in therapy i dont loose memory but you can if you are in the furtherest disocissation, DID. Has your therapist ever talked to you about that?

Im certianly not diagnosing you or anything. You can disocissate and loose memory without DID; I dont have it and lost menory twice but Im wondering if a piece of you is holding your anger and expresses it for you making you not remember so you feel safe. Do you ever other other memory loss?

Maybe something to bring up in therapy? Or at least ask him why he thinks maybe you dont remember doing it. Unless he already told you.

Either way, I say anger is ok! :hug:

 

[Sideways]

You have a right to (finally) start feeling angry. There are a lot of things to be angry about, and the best part - it's safe for you to feel angry now. Anger is a feeling you're entitled to have, and you can go ahead and start to feel what it's like to be angry on your own behalf, without worrying about your safety.

I celebrated my last little bit of anger because it's that important. It's a right that gets kept from us in order to survive as a child. So I'm with @lostforgottensoul - good news about the anger:)

 

[KeepingTime]

@lostforgottensoul i dissociative a lot and have no memory. I've done some crazy stuff driven hours away from home and don't know where I am, to coloring my hair fire red and becoming hyper sexual....it had all been explained away for a long time by the bipolar mania. t hasn't said the word DID and I don't care what it's called I just want it fixed. but he does talk about integrating memories and the feelings attached to those memories. He said that I have exiled all emotion...when you try to throw out the bad the good emotions go with it.
He knows I don't remember doing it and I see him again tomorrow. He will probably tell me more about what happened.
I really feel like this memory isn't mine. Maybe because it's just buried so deep.

 

[KeepingTime]

@Ragdoll Circus i was so excited for your anger bit!
The thought just terrifies me. If I was angry when I tore the book I just hate that I missed it. That I don't remember.
I just can't seem to let it or any emotion come to the surface. It's like it gets up to my throat and I have to squash it. Like you said about the controlled release...like it will consume me and wash me away.