Childhood Its Just A Book

[Sideways]

My T's choice word is "psychopath". Uses it as often as he can. He's got a better memory for timelines than me, and he reckons it took nearly 2 years before he could say that word and know I'd stay in my seat, because it made me so angry I'd get up and pace around and distract myself fiddling with things. I still quietly fume when he says it, but I can at least let him say it now.

Saying things out loud, the memories, is so painful that it feels like after all that work you should at least get rewarded with things sliding into place, being real, being more "yeah, actually that was really horrific". But it takes time, and repetition, and hearing the words coming out of your mouth and then being reflected back to you. Like, "Do you realise you just told me...?"

That process, I think, is as much combatting 'not' saying the words as anything. It's all spent so long being silent in the depths of your mind. Saying it is like forcing it out into the front of your head where you can process it, and forcing the reality to come out of your head and into the real world where it gradually gets harder to deny.

Lot of hard work, but you're doing so great. You really are.

 

[KeepingTime]

Yes my t likes that word too. And yes there should be some reward...maybe there is a long term reward but throw me a bone once in awhile, right?

Why is it so hard to hear them reflect our own words? I will completely flip out and even dissociate when he repeates my words back to me. It sounds so much worse..but then he looks at me like you're the one who said it...I'm just repeating what you said.

T has always said "don't just your progress based on how you feel" and that has always stuck with me and I know he is right.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My T's choice word is "psychopath"

My therpist said that and "preditor" and "pedophile" for a while as those three words was how I was describing myself to him and he was saying "here's the difference between these 3 and you..."

Today I dont say Im a psycopath or sociopath, pedophile, preditor but I do still classify myself as "other". That one is hard.

"yeah, actually that was really horrific".

I still cant say that...

"Do you realise you just told me...?"

He has said that a few times and most times I didnt realize I had said whatever the something is that is different and good.

should at least get rewarded with things sliding into place, being real,

yes there should be some reward

I think the "reward" is more self awareness, getting better, going more towards "recovery" however that looks for you as I think its different for everyone.

My therapist makes a huge deal out of the smallest steps though and I just shrug my shoulders lol. He's got a voice that someone would when saying "happy birthday", that excited voice lol. I can seem to accept it.

 

[KeepingTime]

@lostforgottensoul when you address yourself as "other" what do you mean by that? I'm glad that you don't consider yourself to be those other words any longer...as I am sure it wasn't true. ;)

My t doesn't have an excited voice but he does make sure to point out even the smallest of positives even if I'm just rolling my eyes. Lol

 

[lostforgottensoul]

when you address yourself as "other" what do you mean by that?

Not like eveyone else, below everyone else. Here is everyone - and here is me _ in typing terms though id be lower than that in real life. I am finally just above preditors and pedophiles now though but still not in the carigory of "like everyone else".

The reason thats important is I dont see my past as "horrible" because it was done to me. Done to anyone else and Id have the same reaction "thats horrible and not your fault and those are horrific people" etc etc etc but i just cant see it that way only because it was done to me.

Make any sense?

 

[KeepingTime]

Yes, unfortunately it makes perfect sense.

I think for me it's more about believing. I can see it...remember it...even at times feel it in my body...and talk about it. But when T says can we agree that this happened? I can't...I just can't.

I also have a tendency to keep each individual memory/incident separate in my mind...so individually they "aren't that bad".

I think that's why I decided to start my trauma diary here. Even if it's in random order and not perfectly chronological, it's still in one place. Written down...harder to deny.

Link Removed

 

[Sideways]

I'm not ready to say "it happened" yet, but I can tell that the statement "it didn't happen" simply isn't true...if that makes sense. Kinda of my halfway house to accepting the truth.

And I get what you mean about having discrete memories rather than a single coherent timeline making it harder to accept. My head has actually seperated the good part of some lessons from the bad part, so they exist as seperate memories. I think that way my head can protect the "good" parts from getting infected by the rest of the horror. Nasty thing is that the "good" parts are just abuse in a different form, sometimes more messed up than the straight up violent sexual abuse.

It's a bit of a mess in my noggin. But I think that working through the memoriws does eventually help make it a true, consistent part of our history.

 

[Air]

My T uses the word "horrific" and it makes me crazy to her that.

A bit of an older post I guess, but this really hit home. Every time my therapist says I'm a "survivor" it makes me cringe and feel like I'm sort of lessening the meaning of the word, like there's a sense she's just saying it to make me feel better and on the inside she thinks I'm weak. I know rationally that it isn't true, and I know rationally that she's right, but the part of me that actually feels things reacts like she's lying. It's weird (though I'm sure many people here get it) but it's like there's a big disconnect between the rational me that thinks about things logically and the emotional me that actually feels a certain way about something, I find I often rationally know things but deep down my body seems to be telling me I'm wrong as a sort of conditioned response.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

my trauma diary here.

I'll check it out!

but I can tell that the statement "it didn't happen" simply isn't true..

My therapist says thats a way in CBT (or something) to test if you are starting to believe something. Say what you've been saying ("it happened") backwards ("it didnt happen") and if that doesnt feel true then you are starting to believe what you telling yourself...its starting to work basically. YAY YOU! Thats awesome!

Im not there yet, all the opposites or what would be the cult beliefs all seem right and true to me. Will i ever get there? :banghead:

 

[KeepingTime]

I'm not ready to say "it happened" yet, but I can tell that the statement "it didn't happen" simply isn't true...if that makes sense. Kinda of my halfway house to accepting the truth.

@Ragdoll Circus that seems to be where I am firmly stuck too.

And I know what you mean about the good parts...I can't say that any of what happened was good...just "not horrific" lol but I do have trouble with reconciling the "good church parents" vs the "home parents".

"A mess in my noggin..." You always have just the right way of wording things.

 

[KeepingTime]

@Air i too have always had an issue with the word survivor. I don't feel like one..don't like the word. Survivor to me implies "lived with meaning" not this mere existence that I feel.

Oh if we could ever get our rational parts and emotional parts to work together for the good of the body...how much better things could be. ;)

 

[KeepingTime]

@lostforgottensoul have you started a trauma diary? I would read it. :)

I like that about the backward thing. I hadn't even thought about it until ragdoll mentioned not being able to say that it didn't happen. So yes it does feel a littl like progress...if progress is admitting that it happened. I still have mixed emotions I guess.