Try this again, if I had only relied, only needed, and only counted always just on me and no one else to care, genuinely care and consistently show me consideration, and concern, why I would have been gone a long time ago and I use to think that way, hence all of the suicide attempts. I had no self-love ever and I was always in self-destructive mode. Cutting myself, drugs, etc. always trying to self-detonate! No one taught me I was worthy of love, caring, and so I believed and also perpetuated the lie! I re-enacted self-destructive behaviors that mirrored what perpetrators taught me - which was hate, loathing, self-destruction, and they taught me that life was meaningless, that life had no purpose and that I had no purpose for being here. They taught me I was not worthy of love, life, anything. LIES! All LIES! And I being so naive as a small child believed the LIES! I have been through the war and I lost many, many battles, and I have learned many truths. One truth that I have learned is that I am worthy to breathe the air. I am my only protector, and I am staying in the moment, this moment only, and all of my perpetrators can go straight to HELL! All of these LIES that they tried unsuccessfully to glom onto me, were their miserable beliefs about themselves that they tried to stick me with and destroy me with. HAH! I'm still here! And they're not. I will guard my soul and core being with everything I have in me now. And right now, I am struggling to live, and get passed their insanity they left within me. They will NOT win, I am victorious. I am worth it. I am not my past, nor am I my future, I am only this moment in time and I will not allow them to destroy this moment I have now. I will not. They were so weak that they had to pick on little people like me then continued to destroy me through the years. Still I rise (Angelou).
NEWS FLASH for me - they bleepin' LIED! They lied to me that I was nothing, they blatantly lied that I was stupid, and and they flippin' lied that I wasn't worth anything. BULLcrap! They lied. I am loved if I could only feel it coming from others, right now I cannot for I am numb from all of all of the trauma abuse they heaped upon my soul. I will not remain numb, I will work hard to surface and claim my life and joy. I will work hard to find me. They tried to kill me and bury me, they did not kill me nor bury me. I will learn who I am, what I am and will become stronger and stronger every day with help from others that are doing the same.
Another important goal I will try and strive to master - is to be able to receive love from others that do care, but one thing for certain and that is that no one is going to rescue me from life and myself. I must do the rescuing and carve out my own happiness (relative) to each person. I must try and learn to love myself enough for I am good enough, and to try and learn how to also protect myself for I am worthy of protection and self-love (someday I will learn this). I was never taught to love myself let alone anything or anyone else healthy and worthy of love, only filthy, nasty vile perpetrators.
But the fact of the matter is even though the pain will NOT stop and has not stopped and may never ever stop, and may be inescapable, I care. I care about me. And truth, I don't want to leave, I just want the bleepin' pain to stop. I am learning ways to get out of pain that was branded on my brain. I will never ever give up trying to learn how to escape the pain that was emblazoned upon my psyche. And I will continue to examine what things make me happy, give me joy, and allow me even for a short time - to escape the pain. Good post.
No one protected my little girl and me as a young girl, and nor me as an adult woman. I WILL protect myself with a ferociousness now, and I will be my great love. I will try and learn to love myself, if it kills me LOL! I care. And evidently you do too for you posted about caring and having someone care for you. I care about you.
