It's Over, I'm Mourning

[Stickler]

Thanks everyone...the devastation is really setting in now. I've had intense feelings for him for five years now.
I really intensely loved him, more than anyone else, ever...It sounds childish? There is great beauty to him.
Unfortunately, there's also the nasty, terrified, petty, cruel, pinch-hearted little man I met over he last week or so.
Because of that part of him, because he refuses to work on healing, it's over...He blames me? But it seems more like his choice to me, not mine.
I don't want it to be over...but it is.

 

[Wastinglight]

I really intensely loved him, more than anyone else, ever...It sounds childish? There is great beauty to him.
Unfortunately, there's also the nasty, terrified, petty, cruel, pinch-hearted little man I met over he last week or so.

No, it doesn't sound childish, and I can absolutely relate to the above statement. People do and say all sorts of crazy things during a breakup. I believe that it is reasonable and decent to forgive someone for acting nasty, petty, cruel, during such times (and also forgive ourselves for our own transgressions - real and perceived).

But forgiveness does not relieve the other party of responsibility for their actions. Sounds like you are doing the right thing by leaving. From what you've said, it seems like he has a shittonne of work to do on himself before he will be ready to fully participate in a committed relationship. Hugs - stay strong, and focus on giving yourself the love and care that he wasn't able to give you.

 

[Stickler]

Oh boy.
Apparently yet another almost successful suicide attempt has brought him out of the triggered state...and I asked him to tell me WHY he needed to drive me away...
He replied he was NOT trying to drive me away. DOES NOT REMEMBER what he did to hurt me this badly.
Which means his alter did it.
...Does not absolve him/them of the guilt.
Nope.

He said he's willing to do anything to fix it.
I told him he had until December 1st to get his butt into a support group and attend weekly.

We'll see.
Talk's cheap.
Trust is pretty-much totally gone and has to be built back.
One more misstep, if anytime soon, is going to be his last mistake with us.

We feel...nervous and angry. We still love him, but worry we are just giving him another chance to wound us.

( ...He doesn't bloody deserve this last chance; I wouldn't give it to him, were it me alone.
The kids want his worthless arse around. Probably a bad idea.
-Morrigan )

 

[Ronin]

@Stickler, do you guys need him around, and how much do you want him around? Because that's multiple separate questions.

It seems to me it may help if you had a sit in on this, talking up together who feels a need to keep him around as opposed to move as far away from the sucker as can be done, for whom it's wanting and what for, and who's done with him, altogether. And then look and see if there ain't any middle ground to satisfy everyone about it.

In every case, love isn't an excuse nor a reason to accept, where harmful behavior is concerned. Noble as it may be, if it's in the way of protecting yourself, it's an issue to work with, and give into only after consideration. YMMV.

 

[Justmehere]

( ...He doesn't bloody deserve this last chance; I wouldn't give it to him, were it me alone.
The kids want his worthless arse around. Probably a bad idea.
-Morrigan )

What kids want and what they need are sometimes different things... Keep them safe. I know that you and them are hurting a lot right now. Take very good care of all of you. :hug: