It's Over

[intrasearching]

I was abused from birth. Molested, beaten, neglected, berated... And then I was adopted by a horrible woman who did these things even more severely. I want to kill myself. I am 21 and have been in therapy since I was 8 years old but I still am so broken. I can't trust anyone, I can't be healthy and happy... It is all too much and after so much therapy and only getting worse I have no hope.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Nothing is ever over. The reason things can look so crap is because you can never see around the corner to something that might help. You don't know everyone in the world, or who might be able to help you, so you HAVE to keep looking.

You owe it to yourself. Now go drag yourself to the phone, and reach out for some help from your nearest help source.
It's black now, but it goes from black to grey, grey to white, white to clear.

We can't help you as fast as you need online, so go call someone, anyone.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am so sorry. :( I've been feeling much the same way lately.

Is your adoptive mother out of your life?

 

[intrasearching]

No, and I don't have the luxury of cutting her out for many reasons. :-( Though I don't live with her so that's helpful I suppose.

 

[intrasearching]

I am a terrible human being. This compounds my wish to die. Like I said, I am in therapy, but who I am is so defined by my past. I was molested as an infant and abused from then on by drug addicts. It is a miracle that I am a senior in college who has never had a drug/alcohol problem or been in jail. But I feel so much anger. I want to take it out on something/someone but there's nothing. I don't want to be bad, I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to be pure and kind and to love and be loved. But I just feel so much pain and anger.

I see my therapist tomorrow for an hour and a half session. I have been doing EMDR for three years.

I have been in the same romantic relationship for over a year but it's long distance and some days I can numb myself out but other days it is very hard on me. I am always suspicious of her even though I don't show it (after a year there's really no reason to make a fuss). I just feel like shit all the damn time. Just lay in bed for 10+ hours in the dark when I come home from work/school (where I seem happy and normal) and browse the same pages all day. My life is a shell and while I like my therapist and feel he really is good for me, my trauma is so varied and so deeply ingrained. There's just too much.

I don't believe that complex trauma can be healed. I believe that I will always suffer from this stuff. Even if I can get better, I will never really be free.

I've contemplated suicide since I was a kid. From the point I turned about 14 or so I began researching suicide methods. Of course there are really no good ways to do it other than with a shotgun to the head. And I don't have, nor do I ever plan to own, a gun. I am much too cowardly for suicide. But my insides just hurt so bad...

I guess I have no choice but to heal but the intensity inside me wants to scream and fight and hit and cry and run and bash my face into the wall and just destroy everything around me.

I wonder what will actually end up happening to me.

I'll tell my therapist tomorrow how badly I wish I could die.

And I know it's unusual to share so much like this online and I never really get any responses because it's always too long and too crazy but this is all I really have so please excuse my verbosity and melodrama.

 

[gracie_lynn]

Its not melodrama sweetie. Its you expressing yourself in a healthy way. Its you being honest and putting it out there..reaching out for help. A fair amount of us know where you're coming from and are here for similar reasons. We are trying. We don't want to die..we want to be healthy and have the pain stop. And that is a normal feeling. Please let your therapist know how you're feeling. I will be praying for you.

 

[intrasearching]

Thank you, gracie_lynn (Grace is my girlfriend's name -- you must be an awesome person).

I feel embarrassed for going on like this online but I guess my "stress cup" reaches capacity and writing is the only "healthy" way that I generally know to employ to feel better. It helps to say all this stuff to a community that has an idea of how I might actually be feeling and why.

I send my positive energies to you as well, gracie_lynn. Thank you for being so kind.

 

[gracie_lynn]

I totally understand the stress cup running over feeling...haha well I like to think I'm a pretty awesome person anyway ;) good luck tomorrow and I know its hard but be honest with your T. It really does help.

 

[intrasearching]

Thank you! And yes, I will try. It's so easy to just be polite and act like things are hunky dory but that defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Ha...

I'm going to try to sleep now. Again, welcome to the forums!

 

[Footie freak]

Hi, I have been seeing a therapist now for 6 years, for a work related trauma.... Nowhere near as bad as your past....... But that is just it, the PAST.

I thought I would never be able to get beyond the nightmares, flashbacks and the suicidal feelings, but with time it has got slightly easier. I know I still have a very long way to go, but I am determined to live my life. Please please tell your therapist how you feel and your thoughts, if he/she does not know, how can they help. If EMDR is not helping, tell the therapist - it may be that your sessions will need slowed down/changed. Do not give up - I know it's hard, but you really really can be happy.

Good luck