It's That Time Of Day!

[Deleted member 8931]

By the title, I mean that it's almost twilight where I sit at my computer and looking out my window nervously (USA). This is the absolute worst time for me as the panic attacks start coming and/or I feel the rage coming on and there are many times that I cannot control that rage. It's been so bad lately that my husband is frankly ready for divorce! Back to this time of day, once darkness falls I am not so prone to the panic attacks/rages. Cannot figure out what there is about this particular time - maybe it's because I had been busy in the morning and afternoon and was more focused (if that's possible!) on other things, or maybe it's when I feel most vulnerable. Flashbacking is something that happens anytime throughout any given day and the flashbacks don't bother me nearly as bad as others as I am reading. I don't like the flashbacks and I feel that I am standing in the room watching the adult(s) sexually assault me, or my aloof and cold nasty mother appears in my flashbacks once again either beating or berating me. I am currently on Wellbutrin for depression and to quit smoking but my therapist feels I definitely need a mood stabilizer as she is not entirely convince that I don't have bipolar disorder although two different psychiatrists diagnosed me with PTSD (one in 2008 and the other about six weeks ago). I will see my GP in 12 days and I will definitely bring this matter up to her. Meanwhile, I am posting on here so that I don't have such panic attacks or go into another rage wondering if others have a particular time of day these episodes happen with them.

 

[Deleted member 8931]

By the way, I can rage or have the panic attacks at any given time as history has proven that over the last four years. I've been known to rage or feel panic at 2:00 AM and at 3:00 PM. It's just that since I've really become more attuned to my swings and changes over the last several days that I am starting to see a pattern of the rages/panic attacks coming on at this time of day.

 

[The Albatross]

I know that Sunday afternoons have "significance" for me and I am more prone to panic/anxiety attacks. Sometimes it is apprehension at "starting" another week. I'm glad you're more attuned to your swings and changes. Perhaps you can connect this to a trauma. I did. I was raped and nearly choked to death by my ex husband on a Sunday afternoon/evening.

 

[Adrienne12]

Hi Kaz. If you think you're going to have a panic attack at 2am and 3pm....You most certainly will. I suffer from terrible ones so I understand. What I have learned is not to feed into it and to not associate times of day, foods, people and places anymore. Maybe at 2 am... Get up and focus on something. If you feel yourself going into it...tell yourself calm things. I always tell myself.."I can do this." in my head. Once you start not having panic attacks at 2 because you were able to focus....you will no longer associate that time with an attack.

I used to not eat certain foods. I would eat the same things everyday because I had convinced myself that these were the only foods that wouldn't cause panic. I could not leave the house for a long time without a buddy. I still have days where I am a wreck but the worst days are over for me.

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. They are the worst feeling in the world. Hugs

 

[The Albatross]

I dunno. I actually felt better connecting to what body reaction I was having with "a reality". It helped me, by connecting it to something real. I get, though, what Adrienne's saying... about the tendency to focus and give energy to the pattern that you've established "for" an attack.

I am now mildly uncomfortable on Sunday afternoon/evenings. I acknowledge the tendency to be uncomfortable and go out of my way to do things for self care or that are pleasurable during those times... to "reboot" a new pattern and association with positive or self nurturing things. Enivitably they will override the anxiety. I use patience, perserverence and practice. They work for me if I am consistant.

Hang tough, hearing you and validating you gal.

 

[Deleted member 8931]

Albatross, I am so sorry to know you went through such a horrific event with your ex-husband!!! But I'm equally glad that you did survive it and that you are here with support.

I, too, am hoping that since I've become more attuned to my "abnormality" (as if there is any one person who is "normal" LOL) that I will make the connection. Like you, I used to have a "let down" feeling every Sunday afternoon when I was working a full-time job and my son was growing up. Now I have so much time on my hands that the rages have gotten worse and worse each day just like those hideous panic attacks, yet I lack the motivation to dare do anything such as volunteering my time to a worthy cause creating further low self-esteem. Sometimes, well, alright, MOST of the time, I feel like I'm just spinning in a viscious circle which is something I dislike but have not been able to break out of it and do something worthwhile. I am hopeful that through therapy and the right medication that I can start to make the connections and make some semblance of recognition as to me. Hope that makes sense.

It's funny but in years back, I was more grounded and would rage here and there but very limited. I'm thinking that I was so busy then and repressed much of my feelings against my mother and let my emotions become overdubbed with guilt, thereby, making me feel like I had to associate with her. The flashbacks of the sexual assualts and her constant meanness and criticisms were always there, after all, she is still the nasty b**** she always was. No mellowing out with age for her! I was able to break the apron strings that kept me tied to her and her drama, evil nature, hate, venom (insert as many negative adjectives as you wish here), etc. that I ceased having any contact with her whatsoever. No phone chatting. No visiting. No letter writing. No contact via my siblings or the grown grandchildren. Just had enough of her one day and cut her off cold. Until recently, I used to say that I loved her from a distance. Since I've started therapy I am finding that I am not giving her that obligatory love even from a distance and I am not ashamed to say out loud that I hate her for not protecting me and for what she was and still is and what she helped in creating me. I understand that I will have to own up to my part in this situation of my myriad of sick emotions and I will gladly accept my part but I will also be happy when I can reach the sense of indifference towards my mother.

Sorry for the rant on my mother but she has been forefront in my mind lately. Oh, that dreaded woman!

 

[Deleted member 8931]

Adrienne, I can see where acting instead of reacting would be beneficial and I quasi- do that now, i.e. breathing deeply and holding the inhales, actual hold and exhales and counting. I also am trying the 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 quick count my therapist told me to do because it only makes sense we can have one thought at the time. Sometimes these techniques work and other times not. I do feel a tad better for having posted on here instead of going into full blown panic mode and/or a rage with the "well, if this hadn't happened and this hadn't happened and this hadn't happened" until I am at full crescendo against my poor and very undeserving husband!!! I appreciate all that you are saying and I thank you for the suggestion/advice.

Albatross, I'm glad to hear that you are mildly uncomfortable on Sunday afternoons as opposed to what we could be enduring. That, too, is helpful to know that there IS hope for ME!!! Thanks so much for validating me. I cannot tell you how much that means to me.

I thank you both so very much for sharing with me your stories and insight :)

 

[The Albatross]

I am a cliche... I use music and lyrics as motivation when I don't seem to have it on my own. YES, there is "hope" for you, you are here, and willing to do and read things that may be uncomfortable. For instance, until responding to you I never consciously acknowledged my diffucilties with Sunday afternoon/evenings. Get some support, but I continue to be astounded at the conscious connections I can make during my time here on the forum... people here, share, and will "remind you"... connections will be made. Be kind to yourself and it's a process, we're here to support you.

 

[Adrienne12]

Now....all one of us has to do is find a cure for the panic attacks. If you find it first....fill me in!!!! 

 

[The Albatross]

I don't have panic attacks anymore, though at times I acknowledge that I am uncomfortable. I shared today that I was calm, and got my butt into the kitchen. I made a nutritious meal for my husband, and I gave him a hug and a kiss. I have some anxiety... about a 4 of 10... but I did what I needed to do. I'm doing a footbath, a facial and nail care this evening with aroma therapy. That is how I manage. I spend the time doing some self care, instead of focusing on the grief and anxiety. I'm an adult now, and I can't give love, if I'm not loving to myself. Sunday afternoon/evenings are my time to do selfcare... and when I wake on Monday... I got a loving starting place.

 

[The Albatross]

I ground myself in who I am and self care, I flow from the time I provide for my mental/emotional and physical needs. I practice, perservere, and am patient ... striving consistently to do the things necessary to shift my focus from fear based thinking to a place of power and edification of myself. I am more than the sum of my parts, when I do the things necessary to effect a psychic or mental emotional change. I take care of my body, I take care of my mind... if not me then who?

 

[Deleted member 8931]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Adrienne, no problem as I will gladly share since I do not wish them on anyone! Not even my ex-husbands nor my hideous mother. :) Thanks for that laugh, Adrienne. And I mean I seriously laughed out loud!!!!

Albatross, for me to pamper myself like that is one of the hugest steps for me to take. I am definitely a people pleaser and when I do indulge myself I feel guilty, dummy that I am! I will say that I had a very nice dress made for an event that I actually attended yesterday. I ended up putting $135.00 into the dress since the seamstress made it from a picture and it is a period piece, 16th century Scottish Overlday Faire Dress with Floor Length Chemise. We used to attend a lot of Celtic and Renaissance festivals prior to my open-heart surgery four years ago and this is the first thing we have done outside of the house (not counting the obligatory grocery/household shopping, doctor's appointments or anything that I HAVE to attend to). Like most PTSD'ers I have a tendency to make plans only to withdraw from them a few days before. This time I meant I was going to go and have fun doing it and I did. Still feeling some guilt over the cost of the dress since it isn't something I will wear often but all in all, I was proud that I could do that.

I really love your comment "I can't give love, if I'm not loving to myself". Have written that down as a reminder to me.

Again, thanks so much.