I've Always Wanted To Tell You...

[Sufud]

I wish you would have talked about my attack instead of blowing up at me for bringing it up. Kind of funny since you always asked me why I never told you about the second attack. Maybe you taught me to keep my mouth shut.

 

[Ofen]

That I gave up a year ago. All this bravado, all these accomplishments, these are me running on auto pilot. I'm fighting and moving and learning and growing because I don't have the ability to stop. But inside, there is this void, this agonizing emptiness that nothing fills. It's there and it doesn't go away.

I ignore it and keep going because when I'm pushing myself this hard, when I'm working on myself as much as I am, I don't have to face the fact that there is nothing left inside. Just this hopeless ache that no amount of therapy or medication will ever heal. Don't hate me too much when you feel frustrated that I haven't magically turned into your wonderful success story or validation of faith.

I'm sorry it had to be this way, I wish I could get better too. I wish I was stronger too. I wish I was more successful. That my functioning level would at least go back to what it was before. I broke that night and I'm so sorry it happened. I'm sorry I made such bad choices and I'm sorry for the cost. But please don't hate me. Don't despise me. Don't pity me. Leave me alone if you can't help yourself, don't treat me like a failure because I broke. I really can't take it.

 

[Sufud]

When I was little, I always wished for a nightmare so that you would come out and tell me that it was going to be okay and you would protect me.

 

[Aku]

...that I've heard you crying. I've heard you screaming, and I never brought it up because it hurts me so much to know you're hurting so badly and I just can't make it go away.

I wish you would stop the bravado, you are not weak, you are beautiful, and strong to live with this everyday. But I can't because you won't even communicate or come out with why you're hiding away from everyone who cares.

 

[Sufud]

That the fatter I get the more disgusted you will get in me and then let me go.

 

[Ikum]

I think what Aku said is very beautiful.

Sufud, I don't think spouses care all about weight. Unless you take anger out on them because you feel badly.

 

[Sufud]

Thank you Ikum.

 

[Utov]

How dare you tell me that "no one thinks that way" when I tell you how I feel about something. This is how I FEEL. I am not you. Just because it's not what you think I should feel doesn't mean it's not how I feel.. And then you get mad at me for not talking about what I think about things anymore. What did you think would happen??????

 

[Unuh]

I did not like how you lost control of yourself and went off on me and rejected me for a difference of opinon. You just confirmed to me my viewpoint was correct with you. Now we will go our seperate ways. You really hurt me so much. I did not deserve that. You are a snake.

 

[Zuwif]

P1- I'm really sorry I left after all we went through the past 10 years... I do still care and miss you as a friend... But I don't miss being called an F***ing C**t or F***ing stupid B*tch because I didn't know what you wanted to eat for dinner or something equally insignificant... I hated being treated like someone you were ashamed to be seen with or ending up on the receiving end of your ridicule and belittlement when you would drink with OUR friends... I hate feeling so worthless and insignificant which has F***ed me up more than you'd ever know.. I hope the best for you, and hope you are able to find someone to put up with your temper and that she is strong enough to not let you tear her down, leaving her a dark sad shadow of the woman she used to be...

P2- Baby I love you.... I know you've been through so much in your life and that people have mistreated you.... I do NOT fall into that majority.. I have NOT, NOR do I want to have physical relations with any man since we've been together, other than you.... I know you have trust issues with every one and believe me I understand that... I have been working really hard to have patience and understanding with all of your suspicion due to all you've been through... but try and have the same courtesy and try to understand I have issues of my own due to my past.... When I shut down emotionally after a good cry, its not because I dont care about you or your paranoid delusions.. Its because its what I know after years of being told my concerns weren't important and if i did try to vocalize my problems I was yelled at, berated, and left in a worse mental state than i was in before attempting communication... I know You dislike P1 for the way you saw him treat me, but at least with him I knew where I stood, i knew i was not "the kind of person he could ever fall in love with"... With you, you are so loving and tender, you try to help me regain the confidence I once had long ago, then with the flick of a switch you become SO cold and full of resentment... over what???? the fact some man glanced at me in the grocery store... some man that, even if i were single, I wouldn't be attracted to in any sense of the word.... I love you and wish you would see and accept that, but even in this simulated venting i have to shut down now or I'm going to lose it....

 

[Tarul]

Person 1: You are an addict. A drug addict. You will do anything to get your drugs. You lie, steal, manipulate. You use people. I don't give a shit why you take them, you are a f*cking addict. It doesn't matter if you are anxious about your pain, or you are in emotional pain, YOU ARE STILL an addict. And a bitch. I won't let you use me anymore.

Person 2: I love you. Simply, with no strings and no desire to possess. I just love you and am glad I met you.

 

[Iso]

Why din't you stop this from happening to me? Were you as scared as me?