I've Always Wanted To Tell You...

[Enas]

I've always wanted to tell you that I know and have known ever since August of 2010. And that I didn't care. I should have told you, too. Maybe it's not too late.

 

[Irim]

I wish I never listened to you. You made me believe that the one person on this earth that ever made me feel safe was bad for me. I can't believe I believed you. And I can't believe you still think you are right. Actually I can believe that. You refuse the truth if it's not what you want to believe. Now you are my only friend. I can't stand you, but I have to, because being alone is worse.

 

[Upeg]

To the office staff at my therapists office, please talk to me like you realize I am perhaps fragile. This isn't talking down to me. I just shouldn't get off the phone with you feeling like I called the suicide hotline only to be put on hold!

 

[Ofen]

I wish I could tell you that I forgive you. I want you to know that, that I don't bear hatred towards you for the mistakes you made. I understand now that you were acting in the only way you knew how in an impossible situation, overwhelmed by the abuse you'd survived and entirely unable to recognize your abusive behaviors in turn, or help me navigate through the situations that your abuse/neglect put me into from such an early age.

I wish I could talk to you and own up to the things I did, the difficulties I caused, because I know I did. I know I didn't handle myself well, I know I lashed out at you because of the things you did and your failures with me and my family. I know I hurt you, child or not, just as much if not more than you hurt me. I can remember that now and I do know I was malicious. Every time you hurt me physically or emotionally I struck back with ten times more force, I know that. I understand why you thought I was out of control.

I feel sorry for what happened, for how I acted. But I mostly feel sorry for you. My life is really difficult, but so was yours from just as early an age and though I'm able to navigate through my own personal hell now, you're unable to acknowledge yours. That's so sad. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. I wish I could hold you now and tell you I understand your pain because you raised me, I really wish I could give you that.

But I can't because you don't understand boundaries or sympathy without trampling all over it and leeching on for more. You're so hurt and desperate you don't know how to have a healthy relationship of give and take and it breaks my heart. I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could help you see that. I really do forgive you Grandma. Maybe in the next life we'll meet and I can say it in person. I really hope so.

 

[Upej]

I wish we could have been closer. Your anger and your temper scare me so much. I am afraid of you. I do not like you. You put me on a pedestal and I do not like it because it is not real. I have been so ashamed of you. I do not like to talk about you to others.

I do not like you at all anymore. You have always been in my life. You are my only sister. I cannot stand you. You really have not worked on yourself at all. You are very dysfunctional. I survived better than you. You are very street smart and you are very tough. You had a very rough life but you are an adult and were making your own choices.

I am not responsible for you. I am not your mother. I really do not know you at all. I wish it could be different. But you are what you are. I do not trust you at all. You are a big gossip. You are a troublemaker. You caused a rift between me and my brother. You got in the middle and divided us away from each other. I hate what you did when he died. I need to forgive you but it is so hard. I wish I could forgive you and let it go. I wish I could have this conversation with you. You are so unreal. I am sad that you had such a rough life. But you made your choices and I made mine.

Now you are reaping the consequences of your choices. It is too late for us. It can never be fixed or healed. We are too different from each other. I am so ashamed of you when you call yourself white trash. You are not. But you act like you are. I wish you were healthier. I so wish you were healthier. Now it is too late. I have to let you go your own way which is different than my way.

I have to have limited contacted with you. I feel so bad about feeling like this about you. I do not like feeling this way. But I cannot deal with the way you are.

 

[Fonof]

When I left you, you could have had me back. I think there was a part of you that just didn't want the trouble of me anymore. You always acted like I was horrible for leaving, but it didn't have to be that way. It didn't have to remain that way. You know it. You chose it.

I think that is just as well, in the long run. You turned out to be a much different man then you once were. A man I don't think you would have been able to be had you stayed with me. You look happy now.

Quit believing I was the only one at fault though. We were both young and damaged. It didn't have to be that way. I hate missing you. At least the you I once knew. I want you to get out of my mind...and I wonder if I am out of yours.

 

[Ipa]

Nothing feels good anymore. It's not just you I haven't told, I can't admit it to myself.

 

[Usowul]

I just want to tell you that I feel sorry for you.

 

[Zumupi]

I wish I would have admitted the truth to you when you asked me. I've regretted not telling you for years. Now it's too late and I can't do anything about it. I'm sorry I said that. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I struggled to admit the truth to myself and especially to you. You deserved to hear the truth and I let you down.

 

[Ahuwot]

I am glad that you changed and are a better person. I am happy that growing older made you wiser and I appreciate the difference between who you were and who you are now. I am not scared to be around you now, and it is nice to have a "dad". But never, ever say that you want to "make it up to me" ever again. Because no matter who you are now, you still did what you did. Day after day. I was so small and you were so big. And even though I am trying to be ok with you now, there is nothing you could possible ever do that will ever come close to making up for it.

 

[Upive]

I love you, baby, your strength, your humour, your thoughtfulness. I hate the PTSD which causes your drinking, your defensiveness, your anger, your nightmares. I loathe your drinking and your impotence. We have not had sex for over four years, FOUR YEARS! Do you ever think of my sexual needs?

I love you, baby, but this is not the life I deserve.

 

[Adutus]

You always say you'll be there for me, but then you run away so many nights drinking, afraid to tell me where you are or who you're with. I'm not the same asshole you were married to for so long. I'm getting better for you. For the old you. Not the distrusting, alcoholic you. I miss the old you, where you looked at me with stars in your eyes, even when I was at my worst. I miss the old you who would poke fun at me, knowing you'd get a negative response, but you somehow knew it brightened my day. I miss the old you who actually was there for me while I suffered for so many years. Now that I'm getting better, it's all gone, and I wonder what it's all for.

I miss you, baby. I truly hope this is just a phase, because without you, I'd be lost, or worse...