I've Always Wanted To Tell You...

[Nimawe]

I miss you nonstop and don't know how I will live out the rest of my days with this heartache. Please come back to me.

 

[Deromo]

I've always wanted to tell you that you're an idiot. I loved you for five years of my life and spent every waking hour with you. I supported you and helped you, I was your best friend and then when I didn't do what you wanted what did you do? You threw me away. Because that's what you do. You did it to the girl you were with when we first met, and you did it to your other best friend. And yet you're surprised women run from you? You can love a woman all you want but toxic is toxic. She ran because you hurt people whether physically or emotionally, you hurt people when they cause you any kind of difficulty. And then you did the same to me because I was the only woman left standing to love you. You threw me away like a piece of trash. You can list any reason you want, they don't matter. Your actions do. I can't even stand the thought of you. I can't stand that I stuck around and talked you down from hurting people. I would never put up with that kind of abusive behavior from anyone else and yet you had me fooled. Had me thinking your demons and shadows were understandable and allowable and attractive when you were just another cookie cutter douche bag. And then you wanted me to suffer and I loved you so much I did, for seven freaking months I suffered. Don't you dare come back. This time I'm throwing you away. I don't have time for your toxic delusions and though I'll always love you, you are lost and I don't want you anymore, not even for a second.

 

[Epe]

I still don't know if you love me or hate me, and I've known you for 10 years now?? Maybe it's both with you? I feel like I have to constantly be careful of what i say around you and your kids and ex and housemate and anyone you feel the need to protect...from what? Nothing. 9 times out of ten they aren't even offended by what I say and actually appreciate it, so why can't you give me the benefit of the doubt and trust that I won't say anything hurtful to the people you love? It makes me feel that you don't trust me to know when to curb my speech and makes me feel constricted, restricted and frankly pissed off that I am being treated like an idiot that has to comply to your fearful need for PC bullshit all the f*cking time. Stop being so f*cking sensitive and accept the fact that you have no control over what people say and how other people take it. You cannot protect the people you love from words people speak. All you can do is be there for them if they happen to feel offended by something someone said...which half the time ISN'T that offensive.

 

[Dewov]

I want your attention. I need it...but you ignore me. I cannot work you out, and I'm tired of waiting around for you to decide whether or not I'm good enough to be in your inner circle or not. I get that you take a long long, LONG time to decide whether a person is right for you but guess what...life happens in between all that, and one thing I cannot stand is being told that I am somehow making myself out to be the only one with issues, when I'm not even having a bad day. If I do have issues and need to talk about them, it doesn't mean I am not aware that the rest of the world also has issues...and I'm sick of people like you deciding that I am like that because I am expressive and don't just suppress my emotions to fit in.

I may have issues with reading too into things, which you so kindly pointed out to me the other day, but I'm not the only one who does that, and you happen to confuse the hell out of me with your games and assumptions, and exaggerations. You're no better really, but somehow you seem to think you are, and annoy me just as much. I would love nothing better than to not have our conversation the other day not keep popping up and bothering me...I'd love to just 'get over it'...like you have. I hate that you aren't even thinking about it and I'm still having to vent my guts to get it out of my system and forget about it. Why can't I be like people like you?

 

[Ilu]

To my love: I am sorry for my mistake. It will never leave me. I didn't want you to die. I wish you were still alive, and we were happy together like how things used to be before it all went bad. I love you. I loved you then. I still love you now.

To my father: I really do hate you. I can't forgive you.

To my ex: I wish you and all your family just didn't exist. You are so cruel to your only child. You were horrible to me when I really needed you to stand by me. I don't understand why you are such a cruel and nasty man. You hurt me. You took so much from me. So much. And now I can never be loved because of what you took from me.

To my mother: I don't want to have much to do with you anymore. I wouldn't mind if I never saw you again.

To my friend: I wish you wouldn't say 'I told you so' it just means I hide my failings from you and that feels wrong.

To the person who promised you would be there for me no matter what: Where the f*ck are you now? I feel so totally abandoned by you and I am so hurt by this and I know you don't give a shit about me anymore but I just wish I could stop giving a shit about you.

To my work colleagues: I am not coping with even the basics of life. Please don't judge my performance right now. Please just let me stay employed.

To my therapist: I think you are shallow. I think you are not the right therapist for me but I'm too scared to leave because of the information you have on me. I like you when I'm not with you, I like the idea of you. I need you. You have hurt me with your words and actions. I find the whole thing very confusing.

To my daughter: I will take my life if you die. I love you so much. I see no reason to live if you are not on this earth. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever known and I am so sorry for being a broken mother. You deserve so much better but I am selfish, I will never let you go.

 

[Mubim]

Please don't look at me like that. Friends don't look at each other like that. I know you love me and want me to know it, but don't you understand what it does to me when you look at me with all that love in your eyes? Can't we find a way to be around each other without it leaving this piercing ache in my chest? Don't love me like this when you know very well it'll end with me utterly in love with you and alone with nothing at all that can be done about it. And please don't say it again. You can't love away my fear and my scars. Please stop trying. It's killing me.

 

[Bidugu]

We would have been a good couple. At the very least, we would have been lifelong friends. But neither of those things will ever be able to happen. It's like the universe is laughing at me. Cruel joke.

 

[Mubim]

I did everything you told me to. I had faith in you and I trusted you from the first moment. And it's not that you let me down. It's not that you didn't and couldn't feel the way I wanted you to in spite of knowing wrong from right. It's that if you truly knew me, you'd understand there's nothing to be afraid of. If you knew me at all you'd know what I will and won't do. You'd understand the sort of person I strive to be and how high my standards are for myself and my behavior. If you bothered to know my heart at all, maybe you'd see I'm worth believing in. I'm worth trusting. I'm worth the love you claimed to feel for me. But it's clear you don't. Because fear and love cannot exist in the same place, at the same time, within the same heart. You don't love me. It turns out you don't even know me. And I'm wondering if you heard any word that fell from my lips. Were you listening at all? I have done nothing but act honorably. Done nothing but strive to do what is right. And now it turns out you weren't looking. You weren't noticing. Don't trouble yourself. I don't need your compassion. I don't need false friendships. I was alive before you and I'll be alive after. Go do your thing, live your life free from the trouble of being in mine. I'll be fine.

 

[Surosom]

The worst day of all was when you threw me away. I am so ashamed about that. When the time comes to talk about it, I don't know what I'll do.

 

[Uwigon]

I wish you hadn't invested the time and effort. Or, I wish I had been worth the time and effort. I wish you had said it was too much. I am not a mind reader.

 

[Mubim]

I'm sorry to keep posting. I guess I'm going through a purge of all these emotions at the moment. I can't stand you. How dare you sit there and accuse me of anything at all, especially when I've told you I'm at work. You sit there and tell everyone you know how mean I am, well guess what? I'm not. I have boundaries and you stomp all over them constantly, there is a difference. And then you have the nerve to say your children are so rebellious and you don't know where they got that from. Maybe if you had done your freaking job instead of crying hysterically and going to sleep every time something happened in our lives we might want to have something to do with you. You're reaping what you've sewn. But hey go ahead, keep blaming me. Tell the entire world and let them all decide I need to 'work on being kind' when in reality I'm one of the nicest people out there. Fine.

 

[Vuda]

I think you're f*cking amazing, drop dead gorgeous, and smart as hell. But if I told you that it would be misconstrued as flirting. As that's not my intent, I keep it to myself. Still the truth. Hope you know it without being told. lol. Not that I think it! Just that it is. You're one of the good ones. Stupid culture you can't compliment people in.