fitsandgaps
New Here
thank you for having this website..... I've been in therapy for 3 months. this website has opened my eyes to a very large number of aspect of this condition.
I like so many others here love and care very deeply for a very beautiful person that is suffering the effects of abuse on many levels.before she was diagnosed with PTSD, and before the issues started, I thought we had a mostly functional, mostly good relationship! there was a communication issue. I talked she listened. she didn't talk often.... but when she did, I wasn't hearing what she was meaning.she has existed her entire life. she wasn't living life.... just existing! this was explained to me just recently by her.
now that she is on meds, she feels less anxious, and can talk a little. this condition crept up on us (me). symptoms started, and she was telling me that I always had to be right, and that I was trying to make myself sound like I was better than everybody else. and she was right! i .... as a carer was flawed myself. and that's why I started therapy. as time went on I was blaming her for not trying. I could see depression setting in. and I was trying to get her to go out with her friends, and do things to head off depression.
I was watching helplessly as I was trying to help and push her to talk to somebody. she would tell me that that spark was gone that she had for me. she would tell me as it was leaving that she had no feelings for me. it seemed very rational t me after she was diagnosed, that she was numb, and had no feelings at all, so it would make sense that she didn't feel for me either.
after finding this website 2 weeks ago, I've been able to help myself understand much more that I was making mistakes as a carer. I wish I had found it sooner. I just hope I haven't destroyed our friendship by pushing her when I wasn't supposed too, even tho I didn't know that she was PTSD at the time.as this was going on she would state that "this isn't about you!" of course it was. it wasn't my fault she couldn't feel anything, I could feel just fine, and what I was feeling was horrible. I was feeling loss, sad, helpless, anxious, fear, self pity, angry, frustration, depression, guilt, and hurt! I tried to blame myself, I tried to blame her, and the people that did this to her. this really "isn't about you!" as a carer.... if u didn't cause the trauma..... this really isn't about you. its about the sufferer dealing with things you and I couldn't possibly understand.
I'm now looking back on the situation, realizing how things could have been different if I as a carer understood that better. I feel these things..... but don't try to make a sufferer feel what you are feeling because you are frustrated, and you don't think the sufferer gets it! like they don't care! in my case..... she does care, and I believe that is why she is isolated from me right now! she doesn't want me to feel this way! feel all these things I've been feeling! but there isn't a whole lot she can do for me. shes trying to figure out who she is! I know/knew who I am/was when she got "lost" this whole event has caused me to get "lost" some myself.she was everything to me and I loved her dearly! last time we talked..... I asked her where she needed me in her life..... and she told me she needed me to be independent of her. I was giving her time and space, but not independence. so we try it again.your love is not strong enough to bring them out of this! but it is strong enough to make you think it can! you can love them sooooo much, you push them right out the door. the sufferer can end up doing that on their own, let alone you doing it for them. if you truly love them, support them, hope for them, and read the things in this forum to get educated. this whole process has brought out my own personal insecurities. it has brought to light why I can't communicate effectively with her or anyone, because its my core beliefs that are tainted..... but I'm working on that!
I have the choice to make changes, but she cannot chose to not have been abused..... and that's what they mean by "its not about you" help by not being part of the problem! help by not pushing too hard. I pushed her to talk to a professional, and once she did, I should have not pushed anymore. I went to see a professional too. but this site has done more for understanding why my life is falling apart, than the professional! now we have more to talk about when I go see him again! please feel free to tell me where my understanding are incorrect. I'm doing my best to understand! I'm not perfect! I've made mistakes! big ones! but now I understand a lot better. I just hope I haven't dammaged the friendship/relationship beyond repair because of my ignorance. I've tried to get informed. but most info out there is about PTSD, and not about the those that love them with it! has anybody overcome a situation like this... where u are trying to help, and find out you're part of the problem?
I like so many others here love and care very deeply for a very beautiful person that is suffering the effects of abuse on many levels.before she was diagnosed with PTSD, and before the issues started, I thought we had a mostly functional, mostly good relationship! there was a communication issue. I talked she listened. she didn't talk often.... but when she did, I wasn't hearing what she was meaning.she has existed her entire life. she wasn't living life.... just existing! this was explained to me just recently by her.
now that she is on meds, she feels less anxious, and can talk a little. this condition crept up on us (me). symptoms started, and she was telling me that I always had to be right, and that I was trying to make myself sound like I was better than everybody else. and she was right! i .... as a carer was flawed myself. and that's why I started therapy. as time went on I was blaming her for not trying. I could see depression setting in. and I was trying to get her to go out with her friends, and do things to head off depression.
I was watching helplessly as I was trying to help and push her to talk to somebody. she would tell me that that spark was gone that she had for me. she would tell me as it was leaving that she had no feelings for me. it seemed very rational t me after she was diagnosed, that she was numb, and had no feelings at all, so it would make sense that she didn't feel for me either.
after finding this website 2 weeks ago, I've been able to help myself understand much more that I was making mistakes as a carer. I wish I had found it sooner. I just hope I haven't destroyed our friendship by pushing her when I wasn't supposed too, even tho I didn't know that she was PTSD at the time.as this was going on she would state that "this isn't about you!" of course it was. it wasn't my fault she couldn't feel anything, I could feel just fine, and what I was feeling was horrible. I was feeling loss, sad, helpless, anxious, fear, self pity, angry, frustration, depression, guilt, and hurt! I tried to blame myself, I tried to blame her, and the people that did this to her. this really "isn't about you!" as a carer.... if u didn't cause the trauma..... this really isn't about you. its about the sufferer dealing with things you and I couldn't possibly understand.
I'm now looking back on the situation, realizing how things could have been different if I as a carer understood that better. I feel these things..... but don't try to make a sufferer feel what you are feeling because you are frustrated, and you don't think the sufferer gets it! like they don't care! in my case..... she does care, and I believe that is why she is isolated from me right now! she doesn't want me to feel this way! feel all these things I've been feeling! but there isn't a whole lot she can do for me. shes trying to figure out who she is! I know/knew who I am/was when she got "lost" this whole event has caused me to get "lost" some myself.she was everything to me and I loved her dearly! last time we talked..... I asked her where she needed me in her life..... and she told me she needed me to be independent of her. I was giving her time and space, but not independence. so we try it again.your love is not strong enough to bring them out of this! but it is strong enough to make you think it can! you can love them sooooo much, you push them right out the door. the sufferer can end up doing that on their own, let alone you doing it for them. if you truly love them, support them, hope for them, and read the things in this forum to get educated. this whole process has brought out my own personal insecurities. it has brought to light why I can't communicate effectively with her or anyone, because its my core beliefs that are tainted..... but I'm working on that!
I have the choice to make changes, but she cannot chose to not have been abused..... and that's what they mean by "its not about you" help by not being part of the problem! help by not pushing too hard. I pushed her to talk to a professional, and once she did, I should have not pushed anymore. I went to see a professional too. but this site has done more for understanding why my life is falling apart, than the professional! now we have more to talk about when I go see him again! please feel free to tell me where my understanding are incorrect. I'm doing my best to understand! I'm not perfect! I've made mistakes! big ones! but now I understand a lot better. I just hope I haven't dammaged the friendship/relationship beyond repair because of my ignorance. I've tried to get informed. but most info out there is about PTSD, and not about the those that love them with it! has anybody overcome a situation like this... where u are trying to help, and find out you're part of the problem?
