Death I've Lost So Many Friends

[Deleted member 37343]

I just thought I'd get this out. So I've lost majority of my friends to suicide (I don't have many friends. I am picky and the ones I keep typically end up being very close friends.) with one exception that died from medical reasons.

The last one I lost was back in the month of July. I was at Disneyland with my good(and only) friend Amber(So it's easier to refer to.) We were there for three days with her family and we slept in our own room. On the second day I got a call at 3 in the morning from another good friend that I knew was struggling. I immediately got out of bed and stepped outside to talk with him but it was pretty hard to understand him. He was sobbing and choking on his words and I managed to calm him down some. After an hour of talking he finally confessed he had a gun with him that belonged to his older sister's boyfriend. He was outside a couple blocks away from his home and I could hear him pacing until near the end where I think he sat down or stopped. I remember his last words and the time I hung up.. I think I may have yelled out or something but no one woke up in their rooms and my friend was dead asleep. When I heard the gun shot, I don't know why but I sort of half threw/half dropped my phone and it took me a few seconds to reach down and pick it up. I was shaking at this point and I remember feeling like I had blood on my hands. May have been my sweat and my brain immediately showed an image of my dead friend. After about 10 or 15 minutes staying on the phone with no response, I eventually hung up. I didn't have the number of his family members and I didn't want to call his friend about the situation.

After I realized he wasn't going to respond, it was like things started shutting off and I wasn't.. sad or upset. I tend to have late reactions to these type of things, but I think in this situation I sort of forced it. I didn't want to badly affect my friend. So I got back into the room and just sat at the little table there and waited for Amber to wake up. Everything else was fine that day. I enjoyed the rides and spending time with my friend, I was even fine with the fireworks -- as if it didn't happen. I normally wouldn't talk about these things with anyone, but a week after the trip I decided to tell Amber what happened. Of course she was concerned, but even then I didn't cry or feel an ounce of sadness.

Finally after some months later, I'm getting these sort of intrusive thoughts of seeing my friend dying, pulling the trigger, over and over. I can hear the gun shot and it's fast paced.. writing this helped take my attention off it, but it's hard to ignore. (So sorry if this message seems a bit disorganized. Sometimes my messages seem fine and other times I'm somehow talking about the walking dead series and AHS.) I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this other than just putting it somewhere.

What are some ways you guys have found that helps you cope with a loss of a friend?

 

[LissaKaye]

I am so sorry for what you went through. It has some similarities to some thing that I went through. I am sorry this will be a long post. My childhood sweetheart committed suicide. He had made a few attempts. Some say that people will work up their courage. One of the first times he attempted , he cut his wrists with a razor in the bathtub while running a bath. He thought that it wouldn't take that long, like in the movies. I had gone into the bathroom and I can remember tasting the blood in the air. The smell of copper was so string, and the one thing that I still hear when I think back about it was the rushing sound of the faucet running. I was begging him to stop, and he was begging me to let him die.

One of the roommates called 911. My partner got dressed and went out into the back yard. Other friends where trying to talk to him. I went out into the front yard to wait for the ambulance. Tons of police showed up, they all lined up around him guns drawn. They fired 3 shots. I remember feeling myself jump vertically. I panicked. I thought he was dead. I went running to see if he was ok. He was still standing. One of the cops who was holding a shotgun told him to stand on one leg. When he did, they shot him in the leg he was standing on and knocked him over then cuffed and searched him. They were using non-lethal rounds but no one knew that. The things that I remember the most vividly are the overpowering smell and taste of blood, the sound of the rushing water coming from the tub faucet and screaming in my head "please just turn it off, the sound of his voice begging me to let him die, and those first 3 gunshots. When I jumped it had all of a sudden felt like it was happening to someone else. I was numb at that moment, and it seemed like I was in the air for so long. Then the panic when I hit the ground. He was released later that night. Several years passed. He battled depression, and made other attempts when no one else was around.

One day he told me he had tried to hang himself in the closet. He said the bars holding the closet rod collapsed. He was talking about killing himself again. I called my mom. One thing she said that hit home for me was that it was like being held emotionally hostage. I told him that I needed a break. That I couldn't continue anymore like that. He left the house and I went to the bank. I came back and his truck was there. I said something when I came in, and there was no answer. It hit me, there was no noise at all coming from anywhere in the house. The bedroom door was shut. I stared at that door. I stood there and listened for anything. Breathing, a snore, a cough, movement. It felt like forever. I couldn't bring myself to open that door. I called his phone. It was in the living room. I looked at the last calls. The last 2 were to a crisis line and the other to my mom. I called her and asked what he said. She said that he told her he loved her, something about it not working out between us, and that he wanted to say goodbye. I told her "I think he did it."
He did. The days after I went over everything in the house. Over and over again. In the closet I saw where he had went back and reinforced the arms and screwed them into the shelf above to support his weight. It's been almost 10 years now. I couldn't bring myself to view his body. For some reason when Robin Williams died it brought everything back. I think some of the similarities hit me. The fake pictures were awful and I couldn't get those images out of my head. It was like I was going through the whole thing over again.

Not having anyone to talk to that has gone through anything similar is very hard as well. I didn't want to burden people with my pain, or bring them down. I want to go to a suicide survivors support group but am terrified I will just lose it and not be able to control my crying in front of others.

 

[Friday]

I was going through a bit of this when you posted. Not really out the other side, yet. Sometimes it feels like everyone like me is dead. It isn't true. Feels that way though.

 

[Beaglefan61]

Hi Namali, I am not sure how much i can say but i am sorry for your loss and how it came about. It is hard to imagine the amount of trauma you are feeling over this. It sounds like he reached out when it was really too late, yet you are still wondering what you could have done. This is something i fear of others sometimes, that they reach out in time before they give in. It hurts so deeply when they do. I can imagine part of you shouting out 'please don't go away' and yet it went like this. I am not sure if he was a survivor of abuse, but if so sadly males find it harder to talk and find the number of support options very limited. That is beyond your control sadly as society is now. It isn't fair!!! It's not right!!! Too many pay the price for that every year. You could not alone support him. It takes a village. Our villages aren't set up that way.

What you are going through is horrific. Shutting it off as though it didn't happen i can easily see as a trauma response. I hope for you the healing you need for this as this is terribly painful to go through. Right now support for you is every bit needed.

Lissa Kaye, i think you losing it and crying your heart out is every bit appropriate. Best to you in you getting comfort you need for this.