I've Never Felt So Damn Good! Have I Been Too Focused on Trauma Recovery?

[Awakening]

Well I am back from a 3 week break and I have not felt this good in at least two years.

I am calm, centred, at peace with myself. My symptoms are not gone, but they are much reduced. My anxiety is ever present but manageable. Quite simply, I feel wonderful.

My first week was a week back home and was not relaxing. It started with me having a mini breakdown in the airport, and causing the plane to be delayed by 40 minutes because in a word I was hysterical. That week my symptoms and anxiety were very difficult.

However, the last two weeks I have been camping just my husband and I. I have not had to go to work, I have not had to do housework. I have not watched TV or listened to the radio. I've had some small interaction with people. I have not been on this forum or spent hours googling 'ptsd', 'abuse' etc. I have not drank more then two glasses of alcohol. I have done light exercise everyday. I've slept an average of 10 blissful hours of sleep a night. No alarm clocks, no pressures whatsoever.

I've also not had a therapy session in over a month.

But tomorrow it's back to work, back to a therapy session and back to reality. And it's making me anxious that my bubble of bliss is about to burst!

I also noticed since catching up on this forum that I feel worse. More anxious, slightly dizzy, slightly sick, words blurring, losing clarity. Yet previously I never believed the 'reading in the forum increases symptoms'. I would have argued you the opposite, that it actually helps me, yet now because of the break, I am much more aware of the reactions in my body.

I think I have been missing the clues my body gives.

I think it's possible I've used 'intellectualisation' as a defense mechanism?

In other words I 'talk' or 'post' alot about recovery. I become quite obsessed with each therapy session, I research endlessly on the best ways to 'recover', I journal myself around into circles coming back to the exact same point. I become extremely self critical that I'm not recovering the 'right way' or 'quick enough'.

I'm starting to think I need to pace myself more in this recovery process.

Previously I would come on here 6 or more times a day rationalising that I 'need' it. I couldn't stand waiting a week for my next therapy session, yet now I'm thinking of making it fortnightly. As a way of containing it so that I actually deal more with the actual trauma rather then all the methods around it.

I know all about facing trauma & immersing yourself in it. But I think I need to find more of a balance between facing the trauma and still living as a normal a life as possible.

Thoughts?

 

[Deleted member 93]

I posted and some how closed my window... Grrr.

Anyway I agreed with you 100%. Stopping editing was like a wave of relief when I got here and so much I could not see or had to deal with anymore. I do not feel compelled to read all posts either which is very cool so not absorbing other's.

TVs, computers, you know all of modern life so many do not get adds to our issues, much less other's problems. Before the net I had nothing else to do but stare at a ceiling or listen to music when I am like I am now. Annoyed at hubby and not sleeping with him tonight! Anyway...

Most certainly yes, you can become over obsessed in healing to the point it is counter productive. You do need recover time always and nothing wrong with stepping back to enjoy your hard work here or there. Does not mean stop, but do enjoy feeling well. Every time I paused I thought I must be bipolar I felt so well. You learn it is a well deserved and earned break.

Pace yourself, enjoy breaks. The camping sounds awesome. I am glad you got a taste of feeling well.

 

[Deleted member 541]

It sounds to me like you are obsessing a little to much too. PTSD takes time to deal with, and like everything in life we need to stop and smell the roses at time. Pushing yourself to heal isn't going to happen, it will actually make you sicker. We need breaks from it, just like needing a vacation from work, or having a night out away from the kids.

Just because we have PTSD doesn't mean that our lives have to stop. We still have to live in spite of it. Just different than before.

I think that you should probably do more fun things and take mini breaks just for you. Do something that you enjoy and stop doing the google thing for PTSD. Google fun things.

Great job BTW at going camping. I prefer a hotel with a pool and hot tub....LOL!!!!!!!!

 

[tude]

Awakening, I am happy for you that you've enjoyed your time off. I remember the first moment of peacefulness back in November- it was enough to bring tears to my eyes. It was so significant, I wrote down why I felt peaceful. I did this to remind myself later what it is that brings me peace. Maybe this might be helpful for you too- remember why and what you were doing to feel so damn good.

 

[Awakening]

Well I had a therapy session so that put an end to the feeling good and keeping the symptoms at bay.

I'm back to - not working, drinking, not being able to sleep without sleeping tablets, flashbacks, depression (not showering etc), self destructive thoughts.

Remind me again why therapy is a good thing?

 

[WorkingThruIt]

I understand. Sometimes I wish I knew how bad it would get after starting therapy, but then I never woud have started it. I had to space the therapy recently. I am barely functional for 5 or 6 days post therpay and then I was expected to go back and do it all over again. I have gone to two weeks between appointments. I am anxious to get the healing part over with, but I stilll have to work and be a mother through it all. I wish there was an easier way.