I've Pretty Much Just Lost My Family.

[Deleted member 27181]

None of my family know of my PTSD, nor what caused it. Only my boyfriend and therapist know and thats how I want it to stay, so to be honest, I deserve what happened earlier this evening.

I was in the car with my grandma, we got onto the subject of college and then she brought up my dropping out of college (due to PTSD but she doesn't know that and thinks I dropped out because I'm lazy or whatever). I told her not to go there and I didn't want to talk about it. She assumed her authoritive "I'm your grandmother" type act and told me she could talk about it all she likes. I said don't. It hurts my feelings so much. My family isn't one to recognise the fact what they say, hurts. Alot. Especially to me, since 90% of the comments are snide and nasty, often regarding my laziness or messy room (claiming it's stinking the house up and often comments on the fact I don't get a shower every day even though I do). Anyway, so in the car, it progressed onto her being mean and saying that she has a selective concience when it comes to me and my feelings - meaning, she doesn't care if it hurts my feelings basically. I retaliated, told her that she only had a selective conscience when it came to me and not the golden child my brother (which he is. My family worships the ground he walks on - he's a firefighter, has a daughter and works 2 jobs and is going to be applying to the police force). She laughed at me, said yes (to the golden child comment) and I just looked at her and remained silent for the rest of the car ride home.

She dropped me off at the shops in my village (since I was getting a lift there - she was taking my mum out so I asked her to drop me off to get my dinner on the way back). I told her I was fine walking home - in the pouring rain. She gave me a really stern look, told me not to ask for anything anymore and that she didn't want to hear from me or speak to me again. I got pissed, told her I was glad and I never want anything from her either and slammed the car door as hard as I could.

You might think it's fine, it's just my grandma, I still have my mum and great-grandma. But, no, my family is really close knit - consists of me, my brother, my mum, grandma and great-grandma. And that's it. I'm the loner one, I don't visit, I barely speak to them and none of them really like me - especially my grandma and brother. So, when my grandma tells my mum what happened, she'll most likely twist the story saying I was slagging her off or saying something horrendous, my mum will believe her and not me (take her side) and so will my brother. My great-grandma already thinks of me in a not-so-good light and so yeah.

I feel so alone. I just finished talking to my boyfriend about it and as supportive as he is, I'm not in the frame of mind to be able to talk about anything in a happy mood.. which is why I came on here. I told him I needed some time this evening to just kind of sit and be quiet and try cheer myself up on my own. I'll text him soon though, he makes me feel so much better. But yeah, my family is pretty screwed up.

All the way from my childhood to now, my family has disliked me. I can quote my mum saying "___ (brother) has a face you can just love and laugh to, but you (me) not so much." She said that, to my face.

I get that they don't know anything that's gone on, but to be truthful, it wouldn't make a difference. They've been like this even before anything happened, ever since being young. My bets are because of my dad. He wasn't good for my family and I'm kind of that 'bad child' that no one really likes. I know I might sound like I'm exaggerating, but the worst part is, I'm not. And even if it seems that way, I'm saying how I feel and this is how I feel. I feel like the only person I can rely on anymore is my boyfriend. I'm just thankful I'm going on holiday with him next week for two weeks, with his family, which will be nice. I'm included and treated like a person when I am with them. So hopefully, getting away from my family and being with his for a little while will help me a little.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I can imagine it must feel absolutely terrible.

Family should not treat each other like that. You are not worth any less than your brother or any of your other family members. Even if what they accuse you of were true, they have no right to talk to you like that.

That said, perhaps it might help to talk to your mum before your grandmother does? Maybe write down what happened and how you feel about it.. I don't know.

But I hear you on that you don't want to talk to your family, especially about having PTSD. To be honest, I probably wouldn't tell them either. If they already treat you with so much disrespect, I doubt they would suddenly change their attitude when you tell them you have PTSD. I'm not necessarily telling you not to talk to them, though. But it seems like there are much deeper problems in your family than their assumption that you're lazy. A family that functions healthily does not judge and demean its members like this.

I am glad you have a boyfriend who's there for you. Do you have a close friend, too? It might be nice for you to enlarge your support system in this difficult time.

A supportive hug if you'd like one :hug:

 

[Deleted member 27181]

I am glad you have a boyfriend who's there for you. Do you have a close friend, too? It might be nice for you to enlarge your support system in this difficult time.

Thank you for your post. All I have right now is my boyfriend and I'm not sure how much that will change when I start college in September. But fingers crossed in the hopes I make a friend or two.

I'm adament on my not telling my family, my mum has already made comments when I have came close to telling her (saying I was scared and went through more than she thinks I did - but she replied with, and I quote again, "if you had been through as much as I had, I'd know about it".) So whilst I understand I should tell them, I'm only telling those I need to know. And in my eyes, I don't need my family. Obviously, the support would be great.. but I will manage until I find support elsewhere. I am going to be telling college and hopefully my tutors will be helpful, as will my therapist and my boyfriend is here for me. So, I'm trying to look forward and not get down about this. Ever since being young, my mum has acted more like a house-mate more than a mother.. so I guess I'm used to it. I'm counting down the days until I can move out, which is still another two years... ugh.

Edit: And your supportive hug is much appreciated. ^^

 

[KwanYingirl]

The best revenge is success. I hope you are looking forward to college and that you can move away from the family.

 

[open eyes]

I sympathize & understand your frustrations, but if you're not willing to let them to know what's going on with you (PTSD) then how an you expect them to treat you appropriately?

 

[jmni]

@Khione13
Focus on the future. College can be a means of leaving them. And its really typical to move away and leave (I assume you are in your teens or twenties). This may be your family now, but you can make a new family. So don't let them bring you down.

 

[Springer80]

You can't pick your family. More's the pity.

My Grandad is a mean, snide, insidious old ***** and everyone in the family thinks he's this well meaning guy who just puts his foot in it sometimes.

It's horrible when you still feel the need to be accepted by people like that. Over time I have learned not to need mine. This has not been via my intellect but by being crushed by them repeatedly over the years. Yes it is hell but eventually you stop and your behaviour starts to match your beliefs. Because you know that you are a good person and they are just being mean to be self-protective.

By the way, I failed university two years in row. A double drop out. I didn't go back for another ten years but when I did I was GOOD at my work. So screw them.

 

[RussH]

I deserve what happened earlier this evening.

I am sorry to hear what is happening with you and your family. I do disagree with your statement though. When you told your grandmother that you did not want to talk about it, she should have respected that

You have a right to your privacy, and family should respect that.

I don't know why you will not tell your family about your PTSD, but that is your prerogative, and I will not pry. I simply will say that I pray everything works out for you, and you and your family can resolve this.

 

[jmni]

@Khione13
Did you "lose" your family? I would say not. Your grandmother drove you to the shops, she is concerned about your education, even though she is catty. It seems more like you "chose" to leave your family. Some people leave the brood of dysfunction and other's remain.

There are many different ways that a family can be dysfunctional or toxic within themselves. Even groups of friends can coexist in this way. A lot of the time there is typically one person who is "abused" or the victim of the group. Despite that they are weird and shamelessly exhibit their dysfunctional behaviour, together they enable each other and they survive like a lichen. Your family actually doesn't sound that weird, but some are monstrous. But no matter what your situation if you want to leave them and move on to a new life, you can do it just because you want to and you can. Pursue it with optimism. When you get too sad or too angry, its hard to do anything.

 

[Deleted member 27181]

@jmni, I did lose my family. I haven't felt like I have had a family at all since being very young and all though I appreciate you taking your time to post, I don't appreciate you coming here and saying my family isn't bad.

Oh and I can't just move out and have a new life. I'm 16. My college is a 20 minutes bus ride away and I don't exactly have the money to rent a place or move into boarding. The only time I can move out is when I go to university, hopefully in a city far away from here and that wont be for another 2 years.(I'm in the UK).

Anyway, my grandma whilst concerned about my education, brings up the past a lot. Me dropping out of college was almost a year ago and at the time, me and my mum talked about it. I told her there were reasons that I didn't want to discuss as to why I was dropping out. My grandma also knew this. However, none of my family respect my decision to keep it to myself and they don't respect my right to privacy at all.

Thank you everyone else for your posts, my mum got home from a night out last night whilst I was asleep and when I went down this morning, she barely spoke to me so I am going to guess my grandma has spoken to her. Awesome.

I can't wait until this holiday and then college, so I will be out of the house from 8am until 5pm every day.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Here in the US kids don't start college til aged 18. A pat on the back for you to be venturing off. College got me away from my family. I put all my energy to do well so I wouldn't need them.

 

[silkleaves]

I can feel where you are coming from... Though my family is not mean towards me, they just don't understand... and me saying I have PTSD will just add to their complete confusion. My family is the sort where if anything bad is happening, pretend you don't see it. Which is how a lot of the problems began in the first place... They all knew my mother was abusive, but no one tried to do anything to stop it. Except for one time when she beat my sister so badly that they were forced to acknowledge what she was doing, but then after that, and for me...no one said anything.

Anyway, my sister (who is much older than me) told me that it would be in my best interest to not even try to explain or get support from the family, because she has been there already, and the reaction from them just adds on to the pain... I turned out a bit more worse for wear than she did, and well...the slightest thing well set me off into a meltdown. But yeah, I cannot depend on my family for support, I can however accept that they do care about me, they just want to keep all the bad stuff in the dark and pretend it doesn't exist and not have to hear about it.

Anyway, what happened with your grandmother really is heartbreaking...I guess on the "positive" end of the spectrum, none of us in my generation are golden children...we are all a disappointment in one way or another (ha ha?) so that is a dynamic that I don't experience. It really seems so unfair. But don't write off your whole family just yet, even with how tight knit they all are, this is a time when some people may surprise you. Brace yourself, prepare for the worst I guess, but keep an open mind, try not to let the anxiety of everything tear you apart even more. I'm sorry I don't have much more to say than that!!!