I've Ruined My Life

[Tulamin]

It takes time to find the people who have the courage, like you do, to live and love authentically.

Right now, things suck. But that doesn't have to be how the story ends. There is a good and different future that can happen. Please don't take how things are now to be a determination of who you are as a person and the deep value and worth you have and to lose hope that there isn't anyone out there who would really like the brave and kind soul that you are.

 

[Edut]

I wonder if some kind of a support group could help you make friends. I don't know what your trauma is, but there are support groups for incest survivors, partners of alcoholics, adult children of dysfunctional parents, so on and so forth. Or even a women's support circle. The idea comes to me because it really is hard for those of us with abuse issues to make friends because it feels like other people are living in a different universe, we don't want to be a drain, and we tend to isolate because of low self esteem so much that people don't know we even want friends. But the kinds of people who would attend these kinds of groups might be more compatible with you because they will understand where you are coming from. Even if your friendship stays light, you will know there is that shared base of understanding. It's true that a lot of people don't understand and it's hard to stay friends when you have to try to pretend to be what you're not to be acceptable, but not everyone is like that. I have a precious few friends who understand, and we support each other through the rough spots and I don't have to pretend to be someone else around them. It might work for you too..

 

[Ulaja]

What I've realised is that I'm fundamentally unlikeable.

This statement sounds like the PTSD talking and not you. PTSD will make us think things about ourselves that are just not true.

I cannot explain the actions of those around you. Some people may just not know the new you, and some of the others may just be too self-adsorbed in their on world that they just ignore others around them.

So, hang in there, don't think of yourself as unlikeable, and you will find people that you will become friends with.

 

[Rozo]

It does sound like the PTSD is talking or the Complex Trauma is talking.

The not having your needs met as a child is very hard to heal in adulthood.

 

[Fehup]

Firstly a huge thank you to everyone who has posted a reply. I used to use the forum a lot but haven't for over a year, my partner also is a member.

I'd forgotten how much genuine warmth and feeling, support and wisdom is here. Thank you. Means more than I can say and has already helped enormously.

A period of change - most definitely. I was careful when I first posted, I didn't want to be identified by my partner. But having read your responses, perhaps it would be good.

8 months ago I left my husband with my then 7 month old son and moved several hundreds of miles away to begin a new life with my current female partner.

All of my friends and family were horrified and have disowned me, being highly supportive of my ex-H and refusing to believe he wasn't very nice to me.

So I have no one and almost nothing.

I've tried going to groups and I've chatted to people at work. But however well we're getting on, no one wants to have a coffee, or a drink, or meet up so our children can play. But, like someone posted, it's not easy to make friends when you get older.

I have done T, CBT and EMDR. Harsh but effective. I try and remember it to challenge my negative thinking because, you're right - it is the illness thinking and talking. The rational part of my brain knows that.

But it's hard to argue when people have made the choice not to be with me. And you're right - no, I don't want those people in my life.

But it kind of makes everything before that a lie, when I had proper family stuff before - does that make sense?

As for my past, I have no memory of my childhood. I've recently found out that my mum lost her own mum just before I was born. She had what would be recognised as post natal depression now.

My older sister remembers my parents arguing, my dad drinking. I knew that I was left to 'cry it out' instead of being picked up and comforted. I originally thought I was 3-4 but it turns out this was as a young baby.

Then as I grew up, nothing being quite good enough and other people always being more important.

Now, I'm just struggling. Whenever things are difficult, or I say anything that she doesn't agree with or that might be critical, she withdraws. And I take that as me being unloveable, that like everyone else, she doesn't want to be with me and doesn't care.

It's difficult to fight my head when it does that, when there's no contrary evidence.

Thank again for the posts and support.

 

[Irujaw]

No offense, but its your kid, your responsibility to take care of him. Its not right for you to feel "victimized" by having to take care of your kid, ie when you say you are left with the responsibility of taking care of your child. Yes, that is your partner, but at the same time, you still have to do the bulk of the child care. I've seen way too many people get a new partner and think they can automatically just dump a lot of responsibility on the new partner when that's not exactly how it works.

 

[Eri]

Erm, with respect 'Irujaw' you may like to consider how you word your opinions, perhaps asking for more info before you get all judgmental.

Oh, and writing 'no offense' doesn't mean none will be taken. Actually I agree with your sentiment but the wording is offensive.

We have a child each and share the parenting, household etc in line with other commitments - like work. I actually do more because I work less days a week.

What I'm referring to is when someone walks out/ drives off/ goes to bed / sits and isolates and basically denies that they still have responsibilities to deal with.

I case it helps, her son is 15 years, mine is 16 months. One you can safely walk out on, one you can't.