Jealousy in Marriage

[grit]

I woke up today thinking about all your comments and had another insight into my way of thinking. Because I had really violent childhood, every issue I have today I look at it with my trauma lenses and adjust to: well not as bad as my childhood so not bad then. The bar is low so by not being here and now as often as I like I may not fully experience the full impact of any situation.
I had a lot of problems with periods young and old. I had fertility issues. I always wished menopause to be cake walk. I discounted just like any other issues, or anxiety, or change if life, there are good and bad. So I projected my fear of getting older, younger husband on to this young woman. The brain and it's unlimited creativity is my favorite thing. I need to be more mindful.

Thank you everybody who helped me weed the haystack to get the needle. Probably more insights to come out.

 

[Mach123]

I suffered horribly from what looks like jealousy but I have recently figured out it's something else.

Nevertheless I suffered and I sympathize.

I don't have any advice because for me the feelings I was trying to deal with were irrational and you can't think yourself out of being irrational I don't think? : )

But it's horrible and it feels unsafe for me and I hate to think of anyone having to live with that.

But IDK I'd it's possible to love passionately without that? That's what I'm like and I was always like that lol. My wife says I'm a drama queen. : )

 

[AJR2674]

grit,

jealousy is typically a sign of insecurity with one self; learning who YOU are and be comfortable with who YOU are can go a long way in removing the empty, dissociative feelings. God created YOU to be YOU - including the ability to empathize with others, but it sounds like you take it a step (or two or three) further than what is considered healthy. In your therapy, I pray that you are working on YOU - what makes YOU tick, what makes you feel good and what doesn't help and that you are getting rid of those things that do not lend itself to your satisfaction with yourself. I also pray that you know that God loves you; that is where our identity should start and end - who HE says we are. I am praying that you are able to see yourself through God's eyes.

I am processing feelings of jealousy and insecurity and I hope some of you can help me with your great insights and experiences.

I am experiencing the green monster lately. I have had it in the past but I always sort of course in my great dissociation, put it under the carpet sort of. Also in all fairness, I just rationalize it well and could see clearly, it was all in my head. Now I need to get to the bottom feeder part of it rather than just the surface so please share what you see, feel or sense from my post. No comment is uncalled for and no comment is too deep or too low. I need a good shake around this.

To give you some context, also feel free to ask questions if needed. I am 15 yrs older than my husband and I am going through change of life AKA menopause…no overt symptoms but I am in my late 40s he is early 30s. We have good marriage. We connect well. I am more or less emotional seeker rather than rational, so I feel connected. We have been together 6yrs…married 4. We have a lot of things in common travel, play sports (different kind but we are both outdoorsy), and we like nature and dogs. Most of our time together I was strained from my mother (recently reconciled) and he has been strained from his father about 15 yrs. I got along with his family and he is with mine (even those in my family I am not close…he is close to).

There is a girl, similar age as my husband and they met few months before we did. There was attraction but he did not feel she was the one so nothing happened. Since we met we have seen her handful times. We have been to her house party one time (she lived with a guy then) and she has been to our house one time …and hooked with one of my husband’s friend and that ended really bad (so bad…) but we never know what happened. Since then, we see her very sporadically. This is the first time I feel jealousy around her. She has a boyfriend (at least the 4th one I am aware of since we all met). Nice girl. Attractive girl. Very artistic. I do not have anything bad to say about her.

There are or were couples times a friend of my husband (not the one who dated her) calls my husband and invites her too and sometimes I am there and some times I am not. The times I have (at least 2 times) I got the monstrous feeling of jealousy. The thing is I expressed this to my husband, and it starts as a fight like I am being immature, insecure but it always ends up really understanding and really connecting but lately it happened twice in like one week. One time, my husband run into her, her new b/f and her father. And the other time the common friend invited my husband and I mentioned probably she will be there and it created again disconnection.

I have not bring this up in my therapy, which I will it always happens right after therapy and by then, other things come up so I am planning of bringing it up but at the moment, I could use a dose of consciousness kicked into me.

What is the core belief that is getting triggered? I am from a big family and never felt special and experienced (as I highlighted many times over) severe violence against me as a child.

This is my take of jealousy. I am more or less identifying with her (she had has about three boyfriends since I met my husband that I know of) and feeling her loneliness (or my projection of her loneliness) and I am feeling her anxiety of finding the one - after all I have been there and I am so identifying with so unhealthy, I am not even thinking or feeling ME! anymore. I even see myself imagining my husband and her as me and my husband and feeling this intense sadness and loss. Maybe there is abandonment trigger. When I remind myself this is my feeling and I need to focus on my feeling and not think about her, my body literally feels good but not for long until I am again identifying with her and falling into the rabbit hole. It is a cycle. I know identifying with others for me is my baseline (have had it for a long time with my mother and recently recovered from that)….it is kind of empathy like ---understanding others at the expense of erasing myself. This is my therapy hat talking.

My most consistent feeling is deep loss like death. Deep sorrow and regents (not sure about what) and I feel fighting to control the situation but yet let my husband be he. There is no cheating. I am not really focusing on abstract just my feelings and how to make sense of this. I am also getting to a space where I feel nothing. Complete deadness and full of air in my stomach -unable to breathe. Seems to me a step up from disassociating.

Trying to learn intellectually as well as emotionally what is jealously? How do I digest and let it seep so I can touch the core beliefs that are crying for help?

Any insight. Experience. Outworld input.

Thank you.