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Joke On Religion

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'The middle east is a giant T$#d than should be nukked back to the stone age IMO. '

Yep but it's nearly there anyway I reckon a gentle nudge from a Combat Engineer Tractor, no nuke needed.
 
A Marine is out for a stroll just minding his own when he comes over a hill crest and spies the navy trying to conduct a secret amphib landing WITHOUT Marines!
He is decked out in traditional garb -an m-60 machine gun, Ka-bar knife and some grenades...pistol, sniper rifle and a few anti tank rockets as well(he is just on a simple afternoon walk you see, no need for the big stuff)
He see's the Admiral of the navy looking at him through his glass and says" hey Admiral! send me some squids for brekfast!"
This upsets the Admiral so he sends over a few shiploads of sailors to go kill the Marine.
The battle sounds for about 10 minutes, you can hear the screams as the wounded are killed off and the gunfire dies down.
The Marine pops back over the hill and he has some blood on his knife and his Machine gun is still smoking hot. He grins at the admiral and says"send more squids! I love this"
So the admiral and his staff get into a row boat and he orders the rest of the us navy to attack that Marine and to kill him.
The battle takes almost 2 hours. at the end the Marine comes back over the hill. Most of the rockets and grenades are gone. And so is a lot of the ammo.
The admiral is so enraged he orders his staff to row him ashore to go kill this Marine himself.
As the admiral walks over the ridgeline, he see devastation and death. A hundred thousand navy men died or were dieing. and at the feet of the admiral he see's a dying man. He grabs the admirals leg and exclaims with his dying breath,"Admiral! go back! it's a trap! there are two of them"
 
The Pope and Maggie and havin a spot o' tea. She gets her knickers in a bunch for havin him over and says"I can nod my head once and everyone in the room will laugh for one minute thats power!"
So she does and they do.
The Pope he thinks about it for a tic and smiles. He says "my dear woman, I can nod my head once and all of Ireland will laugh for a week!"
Maggie has none of it and calls him out on it. So he headbuts her.

My other pretty clean one is what are the months in NI? January,Febuary,March,March,March :)
 
On the seventh day God rested and saw his creation was good. On the eighth day God said let there be Airborne Rangers, and the Gates of Hell opened.
 
This is the great part of sharing one thing in common. It don't matter if you were a squid, a gyrine, or in my terms, army, navy, or airforce, coast guard, shit we will even allow our law enforcement if they served 'Active Service' for their countries. We have Federal Police which they have sent to some of the Pacific Countries to help mend the communities. Shit, I even ran into a couple of Yank Firemen who were serving in the Red Zone in downtown Baghdad.

We can all laugh though which is the great thing. That is why this forum is apart from the rest. No 'real' rules, just common sense, and having PTSD related to being in a 'Combat' Zone.

My father 'RIP' served in the Army Reserves to start with, then the Navy during WWII. He was only a young fellow then, so his mother broke his heart and forced his discharge so he ended up being a policeman and serving 32 years.
I used to wonder why he hated going anywhere except when doing his job. He always worked extra hours, was always angry at stupid stuff, never slept well. When I joined the Army in 85 he had just retired. He told me some stories that would curl anyone's toes. Mum denies he had PTSD, but it was clear to me. He ended up getting
Alzheimer's, the only true cure for PTSD, because you forget everything.

This is the bar, so the threads don't matter. We can just dribble shit and laugh at ourselves.

I remember visiting the Navy bases here. We used to walk on the grass and get a laugh at the responses.

Its like watching the 'Airforce' doing drill.
 
For the Marines the navy is like our little sister. we are allowed to pick on them and kill them. But God help any other service that tries.
We all did our jobs and we all gave up a lot. I know a few guys who scrapped paint for 4 years. I also know real warriors that eat fire,chew barbed wire and spit bullets. i like to think I was somewhere in the middle, bored 80% of the time and scared sh$#less the rest. I will say this. Combat was crystal clear. I shined and knew what to do and how to do it. I could feel the direction of the bullets and I found the positions faster than most. It was my time and I thrived in it. it has all been down hill from there.
And yeah I know it might sound like I am a jerk but the stuff I did and saw didnt bother me for a while. Then it landed like a ton of bricks.
 
Military abreviations
Marine= Muscles are required intelligence non-essential, My ass rides in navy equipment. USMC= Uncle sam's mental cases, Uncle sam's misguided children, and before 1980 Uncle sam's Marijuana club.
US ARMY= Uncle sam aint released me yet, or backward is, Yes my retarted ass signed up.
Navy= never again volunteer yourself. Yep, vain and naggy, need any Vaseline yet.
Airforce= Chairforce, usaf u suckers are fairies, no intent to insult the wee people ( leprochans) and I mean no offense to anyone who is gay, just what the jokes were when I was in.

Seems to me, the Marines get snafu and fubar. The army gets bohica, the navy gets screwed (pun intended) and the air force gets all the good food.
We also said you can't spell lost with out the LT. You can't spell wimp with out the MP. If artillery is the king of battle then the infantry is a bitch ( personal experience lol) Ft. campbell is the Holy Land, Ft. Benning is Heaven, or hell depending on your views. Ft. Knox was sung to its a hard enough life tune. Its a fort knox life. Ft. Eustis was Ft. useless. If you ain't Ranger you ain't shit. Recon and Rangers like to travel together, better to blame the other guy. If you slap a marine in the head and knock some brains into him, he becomes a Ranger. Marines are good at clearing the way for the Army to do the Job right.
Again no offense intended to anyone of my veteran brother and sisters, we told these jokes constantly to one another across service.

The funniest thing was when a Seal unit came to Ft. Campbell to go through our Air Assault School. A recon friend of mine and I went to a theatre and sat in back of several Seamen. He of course, couldn't control himself and after the movie started began to quack like a duck.
Their HMFIC stands up and rather loudly said:
"WHO DID THAT"
At which point the movie was over for me. I decided to sneak out unnoticed before a riot broke out.
 
Also funny, an infantry group from Switzerland came to the Air Assault School. They went through our Confidence course in 1/4 the time we did. Then finished the 12 Mile/19.312128 km road march in 30 min. We had a total of 3 hours to complete this. I know they were probably the best of the best of the best of the best, but man, they put us to shame. Rangers are bad ass, but these guys were super human. No wonder Hitler didn't want to mess with'em to much lol.
 
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