Jokes

[Steph_F]

This isn't a joke exactly, but I love it!! Dedicated to all that served:

Navy SEAL teaches the Instructor!

Two things Navy SEALS are always taught:

1. Keep your priorities in order
2. Know when to act without hesitation

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted:

"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!" Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold.

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent ..... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Jimmy, this one's for you..... (Unattributed. Don't know who wrote it)

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me.." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse.

Sooooo....I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an ac! ci! dent?"

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...."SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.

Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

For all you engineers (and other geniuses) who have difficulty converting units.
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

And, best of all . . . .
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

[Steph_F]

LOVE it!! I put this on my Facebook Wall!! :)

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

ANYONE WHO EVER HAS HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK CAN RELATE TO THIS.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining cats and dogs out there!"

"Well, you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our vacation and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello-are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here ...... on the swing," the drunk replies.

 

[Jimmy1]

lmao, thanks a million. I needed that.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Afraid of Dentists?

Cowboy goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. Dentist wants to administer anesthetic.

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles, I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill."

"What is it?" asks the cowboy.

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The cowboy looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

 

[Jimmy1]

Nice

 

[Sarg]

Thanks all, good "chucklers"

Sarg

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

And now for some puns...... groan if you must..... if you just hate these tell me or I might post more...

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.

I just heard that a radical segment of the woodworkers union broke off and formed a splinter group.

Two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street. They were arch enemies.

The incontinent Scotsman had a wee accident.

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"

Three of my fingers are willing to write, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.

A Zen Master walks up to a hot-dog seller, and says: "Make me one with everything."

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

If you put beer into your water bed, do you end up with a foam mattress?

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares.

I used to work at a massage parlour, but I got fired. They said I just rubbed every body up the wrong
way.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

There was a fight in the candy store. Two suckers got licked.

And probably my two personal favorites...

What did the papa buffalo say to the baby buffalo before he went to work? "Bison".

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "You drive. I'll man the guns."

 

[Jimmy1]

now, some are funny and some are lame. Thanks for making the effort to bring some humour into our lives.