Journaling Setback

[Dee Morris]

I haven't been able to journal the last couple of months. I have tried & when I do I feel anxious & I recognize the onset of a panic attack. I forced myself to try to work thru the anxiety a few times but the bottom line is that I don't feel safe exposing my thoughts. This is a setback for me right now & I need to find a way to move past this & feel safe journaling again.

I do have some insight into where this is coming from. My husband & I are separated & in the process of divorce. My decision. He has made no secret that he doesn't want this & has even gone to some extremes in his behavior in an attempt to get me to change my mind. To the point that his attempts culminated into a physical altercation. So I had to have the police remove him from the home & he took off to stay with his brother in another state. That weekend he had searched through my things, found my therapy journal & read it. I feel violated.

The one "safe" avenue of self expression I had doesn't feel safe anymore. I switched from a paper journal to an online journal but I still don't trust it.

 

[Dee Morris]

I guess no one else has had this issue?

 

[BlueKitty]

I just read it Dee, and I feel for you as I have very similar issues.
I was forced to keep a journal when I was in grade school, it was part of getting graded. The teacher required us to write several journal entries per week and submit it to the teacher so that she could comment. My journal never had what me in it. My mom dictated the sentences that I was to write down, and got beaten pretty badly when my writing was not as neat as she would like it to be. Also, most of my work got laughed at by my parents, especially by mom. Essays, journal entries, reading journals, notes, poems, music, dance, athletic performance, you name it. So I felt very uncomfortable expressing myself in general.

Also, I caught her going through my stuff at night, reading my notes, journals intended to be private (but turned out that mom had been reading them). Caught her trying every passcode combination possible for my cell phone to in an attempt to read the text messages, going through internet browing history, etc.

So. My privacy was violated pretty much through out all my life, and I had not been able to express myself for a very long time. I tried keeping a journal again while in high school, but it mysteriously 'disappeared' few times. I ripped and threw the journal out every once in a while, fearing that someone might see it.

I tried logging my daily feelings/symptoms in a notebook but decided not to after maybe three days because someone might go through it, I might lose it accidentally and someone might come across to read it, who knows what's going to happen? Tried blogging it as private posts so that only I could read, but was scared that someone might find it by searching browsing history or me leaving it on by accident, etc.

Now I am keeping record via MS Word. To me, typing about myself feels a lot less personal and in touch with myself than physically writing it. I am still scared off that someone might discover, hacking into it or using my computer...So again, I am more or less distant from it.

Sometimes, I don't feel safe posting on this forum. Someone I know might read it searching on google, might even be a member here - this person has PTSD, probably knows I have it too, but I don't think I am ready to discuss it with person.

Who knows? I wish I knew somewhere safe.

 

[Dee Morris]

I had been using Penzu which is as safe as an online journal with password safeguards could get but I can't get past the anxiety enough to journal anything substantial.

I never kept a journal as a kid either. I remember trying once & one of my brothers found it. It was quite the joke on me for a long time so I never tried again until I started journaling for therapy. I had been doing well until my husband did what he did.