Just For Laughs

[crazytrain]

View attachment 400

Okay, this one is funny but hits a little too close to home, unfortunately! My oldest two kids would actually do this to me (thankfully they were very obvious about it) when they were pissed off at me about something. They were 6ish at the time, so it was a bit disconcerting!

CT

 

[cherryblossom]

Yikes bad luck CT :vomit:

Humour of any sort is likely to be too close to home for someone. Just glad you're not offended!

 

[crazytrain]

Not at all! I have thick skin sometimes; dealing with the things I have dealt with over the years has sort of forced me into it. From your spelling of the word "humour" I would guess you are British as well? (Not that I am, but there are a number of folks on here who are). If you are, then there is a reason I like your sense of humour; I very much enjoy British humour as a rule. I grew up (well, hasn't actually happened yet) watching the Benny Hill Show, when I was in college (university?;)) I was introduced to Monty Python, and now I love the Wallace and Grommit movies with a passion! I think there was a show called Fawlty Towers as well, maybe with some of the Monty Python cast involved?

Anywho, I desperately need some sleep 'cause I am not focusing too well right now!

TTFN,
CT

 

[cherryblossom]

An Irish Mother's letter to her son

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.

We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles to
Wexford.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin
Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this
time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

 

[crazytrain]

CB, that is TOOOOOO funny!:) Made me giggle....

Thanks for sharing!

 

[cherryblossom]

View attachment 439

 

[cherryblossom]

A sweet little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed wind at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was doing it because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my wind, although still silent, stinks terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

[cherryblossom]

Too cute
View attachment 443

 

[cherryblossom]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"

 

[Lucycat]

Irish Saw mill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irish men working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

 

[Lucycat]

Puns:
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.·
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.
The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 

[Lucycat]

My Sat Nav.....

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.