Sufferer Just Getting Stuff Out - Husband Hung Himself

[Deanna]

So sorry for your loss

You're welcome.

 

[Freida]

I was a 911 dispatcher back in the day and yes -- what you went thru was BAD. Very, traumatically bad. I've been on the other end of the phone for those calls and there is no minimizing it. The people who are there, dealing with the situation, are going thru hell because they are trying to save the life of someone they love. It's a nightmare that takes a damn tough person - so don't try to minimize it. What you did was incredible.

I've often wondered how they deal with it afterwards - if they get the help they need to recover. And you deserve that chance - to leave that situation behind you once and for all. Because even though it was ultimately a happy ending that doesn't mean it wasn't awful

I know the idea of the therapy is off the table right now, but maybe you could dip your toe in the water by asking for some skills to deal with the effects it's having in your life -- not the actual trauma itself? That's how I started -- teach me to cope with my day to day life stressors and once I have that down we can talk about the past.

oh! and welcome to the forums! :)

 

[JstGtnItOut]

I was a 911 dispatcher back in the day and yes -- what you went thru was BAD. Very, traumatically bad. I've been on the other end of the phone for those calls and there is no minimizing it. The people who are there, dealing with the situation, are going thru hell because they are trying to save the life of someone they love. It's a nightmare that takes a damn tough person - so don't try to minimize it. What you did was incredible.

I've often wondered how they deal with it afterwards - if they get the help they need to recover. And you deserve that chance - to leave that situation behind you once and for all. Because even though it was ultimately a happy ending that doesn't mean it wasn't awful

I know the idea of the therapy is off the table right now, but maybe you could dip your toe in the water by asking for some skills to deal with the effects it's having in your life -- not the actual trauma itself? That's how I started -- teach me to cope with my day to day life stressors and once I have that down we can talk about the past.

oh! and welcome to the forums! :)

Thank you so much! I needed to hear this.

 

[Deanna]

I was a 911 dispatcher back in the day and yes -- what you went thru was BAD. Very, traumatically bad. I've been on the other end of the phone for those calls and there is no minimizing it. The people who are there, dealing with the situation, are going thru hell because they are trying to save the life of someone they love. It's a nightmare that takes a damn tough person - so don't try to minimize it. What you did was incredible.

I've often wondered how they deal with it afterwards - if they get the help they need to recover. And you deserve that chance - to leave that situation behind you once and for all. Because even though it was ultimately a happy ending that doesn't mean it wasn't awful

I know the idea of the therapy is off the table right now, but maybe you could dip your toe in the water by asking for some skills to deal with the effects it's having in your life -- not the actual trauma itself? That's how I started -- teach me to cope with my day to day life stressors and once I have that down we can talk about the past.

oh! and welcome to the forums! :)

My brothers death ( 5.other kids took their lives as well that year) started the suicide hotline in my state and then it went USA. My step-mother and the other 5 parents, of the kids that took their life that year, got together in a group. The volunteers really go thru alot on the hotlines. Dead Link Removed

Thank you so much! I needed to hear this.

Welcome to the forums! ( if I didn't say that already!)

 

[Freida]

My brothers death ( 5.other kids took their lives as well that year) started the suicide hotline in my state and then it went USA. My step-mother and the other 5 parents, of the kids that took their life that year, got together in a group. The volunteers really go thru alot on the hotlines. Dead Link Removed

Ya those hotlines are tough -- but so very, very important. Dispatch often just doesn't have the time to stay on the phone with people, so when we can send them somewhere that can really spend time with them it is so very helpful.

 

[HealingMama]

Sorry to hear of your situation. But it is very rare for someone to have PTSD from one trauma. As hard as it was, it may not meet the criteria for PTSD.

Have you been diagnosed by a qualified Dr?

Don't misunderstand. My heart hurts that you had to go thru this with him. And I am not minimizing the things you are going thru now.

Just saying you may need therapy and support, but not have PTSD.

Witnessing someone almost die is definitely criterion A.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello @JstGtnItOut - welcome to the forums. :)

I've read your first post and this thread. I hope we can support you whatever you decide to do, even if it's just listening.

It seems sometimes after the 'trauma' happens lots of people don't want to check up on those that are not necessarily thought of as victims. Like you. I mean yeah your husband tried to hang himself and has obviously had a difficult time with alcohol, drugs etc., So it's easy to identify him as a victim and everyone probably has.

But what about you? It seems from what you've written that not many people have considered that you were certainly a victim of this particular circumstance and that must be hard. Not having anyone in your real life who can understand the details you've described... like the foaming at the mouth, trying to support his weight until you knew, finally that you'd have to cut him down to save him... the sounds, panic and all of the minute details that nobody you know has ever witnessed in their own lives or experiences.. Well it's lonely isn't it? But there are a lot of people on this forum who do know know those little details and who will understand.

I figured I could get stuff off my chest and no one knowing who I am and maybe get some support from people who understand a little better than the people in my life.

^Yep. Good idea. How would support look like to you at least to begin with? It's not uncommon to feel that nobody in your own life understands you. Have you reached out? There have already been a few suggestions. I can see how your husband has decided to stop going to group but that doesn't mean you must too.

You are completely separate in terms of your trauma experience from your husband.

I haven’t had any traumatic events happen in 4 years but it’s still a struggle sometimes.

^Yeah I can see why. A few tries at finding a therapist have ended in frustration and nobody in your real life who gets it. I hope you can find some solace here while you sort out where you are at.

My story is actually pretty long, but the main part of it is that my husband had hung himself in a tree because of his drug problem and me leaving him until he got straightened out...

You associate your husband trying to kill himself with a drug problem and you not wanting to be with him whilst he continued to take drugs. Do you feel guilt for leaving him? Do you think he tried to kill himself because you left him? Just wondering.. you don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Everybody has been good since then, it sucks that I’m still struggling from all the stuff in the past sometimes because he’s doing so good now. I just wish I could get over it

^Everybody is not you. Your husband is not you. Everybody and your husband did not experience what you did. You dealt with that on your own until the ambo's arrived. Your experience is all your own.

I'm pleased your husband is doing so well right now. I think you understand you have a little way to go because whilst he received lots of really good treatment for his addiction and subsequent mental health issues it seems you didn't. That's not his fault but everyone is looking to his health to dictate how well everyone and you feel. That's really not how it works.

If he was in a bad place of course it affected you and others. But just because he's ok now doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else will be too.

the feelings I had, the panic I felt... just all of it comes back to me... like it’s happening all over again.

^Flashbacks? Probably from what you describe. This means you need to sort it out.

that’s me just venting a little and sharing a little bit of my story.

^I think your story deserves to be shared from two entirely different perspectives. Too often we hear of unsuccessful attempts by family to revive suicide victims and of course that is devastating. But, also it's not often that the person who does successfully revive a family member and still has to live with the suicide attempt gets to talk through their trauma and the damage they feel even though the suicide was not successful. There still is massive trauma for you. You do need to talk and vent and learn how to deal with this event @JstGtnItOut.

It’s just so hard to face it. I really just want to block it out instead of digging in deeper. But I know that’s not the way I need to go.

^So glad you can understand this even if you feel like it's going to be so much harder. It is harder to deal with. It's a lot of hard work - on your behalf. But the payoff is big, very big - for you.

but I’ve realized I’m in this alone around people that know me... they don’t know my triggers, and aren’t even aware of what they are doing.

^No they cannot understand, not completely. Maybe you will be fortunate and find someone who is sensitive to what has happened and how you are feeling. I certainly hope your husband is trying to help you.

It isn't their responsibility to know or understand how to tiptoe around you and your triggers and probably they are blundering into areas that upset you, completely unaware of what they are doing. It's still not their problem though. It's yours. Regulating yourself and working on the symptoms you are experiencing now and how to manage around people who have and never will have any idea... is your problem. Isn't that so unfair? lol...

I'd suggest it's time to look again at therapy, group therapy and support outside of your family and friend circle and also whether or not the meds you are on are helping you.

Take care. :hug:

 

[Teamwork]

I wonder if you can find a really good trauma therapist who could help you process the difficult parts of the trauma that are stuck in memory. It isn’t something that you just get past, you need help.EMDR therapy is a good option if you could find a qualified therapist.

 

[JstGtnItOut]

Hello @JstGtnItOut - welcome to the forums. :)

I've read your first post and this thread. I hope we can support you whatever you decide to do, even if it's just listening.

It seems sometimes after the 'trauma' happens lots of people don't want to check up on those that are not necessarily thought of as victims. Like you. I mean yeah your husband tried to hang himself and has obviously had a difficult time with alcohol, drugs etc., So it's easy to identify him as a victim and everyone probably has.

But what about you? It seems from what you've written that not many people have considered that you were certainly a victim of this particular circumstance and that must be hard. Not having anyone in your real life who can understand the details you've described... like the foaming at the mouth, trying to support his weight until you knew, finally that you'd have to cut him down to save him... the sounds, panic and all of the minute details that nobody you know has ever witnessed in their own lives or experiences.. Well it's lonely isn't it? But there are a lot of people on this forum who do know know those little details and who will understand.




^Yep. Good idea. How would support look like to you at least to begin with? It's not uncommon to feel that nobody in your own life understands you. Have you reached out? There have already been a few suggestions. I can see how your husband has decided to stop going to group but that doesn't mean you must too.

You are completely separate in terms of your trauma experience from your husband.



^Yeah I can see why. A few tries at finding a therapist have ended in frustration and nobody in your real life who gets it. I hope you can find some solace here while you sort out where you are at.



You associate your husband trying to kill himself with a drug problem and you not wanting to be with him whilst he continued to take drugs. Do you feel guilt for leaving him? Do you think he tried to kill himself because you left him? Just wondering.. you don't have to answer if you don't want to.



^Everybody is not you. Your husband is not you. Everybody and your husband did not experience what you did. You dealt with that on your own until the ambo's arrived. Your experience is all your own.

I'm pleased your husband is doing so well right now. I think you understand you have a little way to go because whilst he received lots of really good treatment for his addiction and subsequent mental health issues it seems you didn't. That's not his fault but everyone is looking to his health to dictate how well everyone and you feel. That's really not how it works.

If he was in a bad place of course it affected you and others. But just because he's ok now doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else will be too.



^Flashbacks? Probably from what you describe. This means you need to sort it out.



^I think your story deserves to be shared from two entirely different perspectives. Too often we hear of unsuccessful attempts by family to revive suicide victims and of course that is devastating. But, also it's not often that the person who does successfully revive a family member and still has to live with the suicide attempt gets to talk through their trauma and the damage they feel even though the suicide was not successful. There still is massive trauma for you. You do need to talk and vent and learn how to deal with this event @JstGtnItOut.



^So glad you can understand this even if you feel like it's going to be so much harder. It is harder to deal with. It's a lot of hard work - on your behalf. But the payoff is big, very big - for you.



^No they cannot understand, not completely. Maybe you will be fortunate and find someone who is sensitive to what has happened and how you are feeling. I certainly hope your husband is trying to help you.

It isn't their responsibility to know or understand how to tiptoe around you and your triggers and probably they are blundering into areas that upset you, completely unaware of what they are doing. It's still not their problem though. It's yours. Regulating yourself and working on the symptoms you are experiencing now and how to manage around people who have and never will have any idea... is your problem. Isn't that so unfair? lol...

I'd suggest it's time to look again at therapy, group therapy and support outside of your family and friend circle and also whether or not the meds you are on are helping you.

Take care. :hug:

Wow... thank you so much for saying all of that. I actually feel like someone listened and understands... like truly understands. It’s like you have been in my head lol bless you for actually taking the time to dissect every little thing I said and then giving your input! I will answer the questions you asked as soon as I’m able to, but again... thank you! ?