Just Getting Through My Shift

[JoJo28]

So about two weeks ago, I was working graveyard shift at a hotel and a man came in and held a gun on me and demanded cash. I gave him the cash and he ran away. There's no way to find out who he was, so he's most likely still out there. He covered up any means of identifying him, it was all on camera. I have video evidence of the scariest day of my life. I used to love my job. It's a good job. Decent pay and I basically just man a desk all night for 8 hours. I'm a night owl. Seems like a perfect job, until this happened. I can't shake my fear every night that I work. The doors stay locked now and most nights, I don't even have rooms to sell so I don't even have to worry about interaction with people messing with my social anxiety. It's scary. I watch the security cameras like a hawk now. I'm scared all the time. I have sobbed and dreaded going to work most nights. I have nightmares about it. Usually, it's just the exact same scenario except in my nightmares, he shoots me and I wake up before I die. I know I should seek counseling and I know everyone around me is getting tired of hearing about it and nobody understands because they weren't there. They've never experienced anything like it. They try to be supportive, but I'm so tired of feeling crazy and broken. I feel fragile. Like I fall to pieces every time the phone rings up here or someone knocks on the door asking for a room. There's not any really good mental help in my area so that's my main reason for holding back on the counseling. I just have no idea where to turn. I feel helpless, so here I am.

 

[SeanCharles]

Welcome to the forum! So very sorry you went through such a traumatic experience such as that. I am glad you found this forum! May you find people who do understand.

---SeanGeo

 

[JoJo28]

Thank you, SeanGeo. I hope I do find like-minded people to help me get through this.

 

[Nikki100]

Welcome to the forum :)
I'm so sorry you experienced that!

I'm so tired of feeling crazy and broken. I feel fragile.

I know that feeling. But it's only been two weeks, right? I wouldn't expect you to be OK that soon! Allow yourself to feel, to cry, to talk about it if you want to. Not dealing with it will only make things worse.
I'm not saying that time will heal everything but there's a good chance things will get a lot better in the next few months. Especially if you get the support you need.

Have you ever tried any counseling? Maybe it's better than nothing. Can't know until you've tried it, right? And finding someone is something the people who care about you and want to be supportive can help you with!

Do you have the option to take a few days off?

I used to be constantly afraid that somebody would just walk into the room and kill me. The feeling hasn't completely gone away but it's a lot less intense and I've learned how to handle it.

I hope you find the support you need!
Nikki :)

 

[JoJo28]

Thank you Nikki, I've been looking at the different places that have counseling and weighing pros and cons about what I've heard and things of that nature. I also take solace in my religion. Just being on this site has actually helped more than talking to my friends in my life. I get 3 days off in a row per week, so I don't really need time off. I really need to be here as much as possible so I can learn how to handle being here. If I could stay home in my safe little cocoon forever, I totally would. But, unfortunately I have to work because money. But I feel so much freedom just talking to the like-minded people on here because I know my fear won't be judged or pitied.

 

[Tanishq]

@JoJo28 That's extremely difficult thing to face.

Sorry to hear you had this experience. Hope you are feeling better at the moment.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi Jojo and welcome to the forum! I'm glad you've reached out here on the forum, and I encourage you to seek out professional help as well so that what you have doesn't develop into full blown PTSD. There is a good chance that you'll heal from this incident. Rather, what you're going through is a normal reaction to trauma. I know its hard to deal with, but things WILL get better!

 

[haltija]

Personally, I would say cut yourself a break. It's only been two weeks. Maybe after enough time and exposure and getting back into the swing of things, you'll be just fine. Definitely talk to someone about your feelings and maybe even mention it to your boss. Are you able to carry anything on hand to give you some feeling of protection and security? (Pepper spray?)

If you're able, I would think exposure and taking time there to get back into things would be good. Maybe texting a friend while you're at the desk. Maybe try things at work to make yourself feel safe or "normal."

I guess I would compare it to when you've watched a scary movie alone at home and it's just too much after, so you have to turn on the cable television or a comedy show ridiculously loud at 3:00 in the morning, just to get out of that creepy feeling or have to hear the sound of other people's voices, to not feel like you're at home by yourself? Everyone has done that. ... I think ... Right??? ... Right? :O_o:

 

[JoJo28]

Oh yeah, I've definitely done that lol. I usually watch Disney cartoons until I feel better. I know it's going to take time. I just hate waiting to feel better. My boss knows that I've been having issues. The cops are actually accusing me of being in on it. My cop friends told the other cops that they were dead wrong because I would never do anything like that. I just found this out today.... they are saying that I was too calm after it happened. That I wasn't reacting right.... Can you believe that???

 

[haltija]

I can't! How ridiculous. You would think they would have enough experience to know what being in shock is. Sorry they're giving you a hard time. :(

 

[intothelight]

@JoJo28 Personally, I remain really calm during a crisis and suffer the fallout afterward. I don't think your response was unusual as I am sure plenty of other people react in the same manner. If you continue to experience issues, does your employer have an EAP plan as even a few intense session of counseling can really help and even possibly prevent some long term issues.

 

[ekane]

Sorry you went through such a scary experience! Along with everyone else's comments, I just want to say that your reactions are totally normal and any real friends would be very gentle and supportive about what you're going through. There is a difference between people who may not have been through the same thing, but offer gentle kind support, and people who just diminish and devalue all the emotions your going through right now. Just want to call that out, in case you've already noticed and "friends" who are showing their true colors now. Anyway, be easy on yourself, it happened recently and it takes time to process such shocking experiences.