Just need some anonymous support

[Applecore]

No, I'm in the US. But I thankfully I do live near nice scenic stuff. I try to force myself to go to it. I'm still doing pretty poorly today. Nothing new. I think I like coming on here because I can actually be honest at least to someone out there in the universe how awful I feel mentally. I try to not show it to the full extent. I usually don't go overboard the other way, either, to pretend I'm totally great. I'll just be like "I'm okay/all right..." etc. Which means I'm not really. But yet I still say that I am. I was just thinking, at what point would I ever admit I'm not okay? I don't think I would, not to most people. But here I do. I don't know.

Thank you for being honest, I appreciate it. I totally understand and in that case, please ignore my request for a smile. I meant it, I really believe that it is right for us to feel our pain and to express it. Everything has an appropriate time and place, and sometimes pretending we are okay is wrong for everyone. I am going out to the gym now as part of my daily mental self-care practice (I have found little things help), and will be back in touch.

One of the little things that keep me going is birdsong. I found Tweet of the Day online for you, yesterday's was nuts: BBC Radio 4 - Tweet of the Day

 

[Applecore]

Thank you for being honest, I appreciate it. I totally understand and in that case, please ignore my request for a smile. I meant it, I really believe that it is right for us to feel our pain and to express it. Everything has an appropriate time and place, and sometimes pretending we are okay is wrong for everyone. I am going out to the gym now as part of my daily mental self-care practice (I have found little things help), and will be back in touch.

One of the little things that keep me going is birdsong. I found Tweet of the Day online for you, yesterday's was nuts: BBC Radio 4 - Tweet of the Day

As promised I am back in touch. Based on my experience of recovery from trauma-induced suicidality, let's do an audit of your situation that may help start improvements. Apologies if I've missed answers to any of the following if they are already in the thread.

1. Apart from anonymous forums such as this one, describe (without identification) your social media presence and its emotional effect on you.

2. What are your chemical stimuli? Amount of medication, alcohol, sugar intake, weed, other recreational drugs?

3. How much time per week do you spend outdoors in sunshine and in nature, and on average across a week how many minutes per day do you spend walking, jogging, swimming and cycling?

4. What's the state of your human circle and their effect on you: family, friends, clubs or activity groups, workplace colleagues?

5. Have you ever told your story, at length, with an active listener? For example, in terms of what might be five of some of the worst things that have ever happened to you and what might be five of some of the best things that have ever happened to you?

6. Have you talked through your childhood and upbringing?

7. If you were asked to think about a realistically achievable goal in the future, what would that be?

Have a great day.

Applecore

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

Thanks, applecore. I'll check out the tweets. I remember back in 2007-ish when I was probably at my lowest, sometimes all that would get me through one moment was looking at a little robin hopping around, or a daffodil. that kind of thing. It was grounding in a way, too (back then I was close to dissociating a lot, maybe depersonalized, too, felt not a part of my surroundings).

I had to "laugh" inwardly today, considering my last post about not showing how upset I am to most people. I was going to skip going to something earlier (an obligation), but still went (small victory). Someone there saw me and, no joke, he was like "You look happy!" I stared dumbfounded. I said "...are you joking?" And he looked a bit taken aback and was like "No...you were smiling, so..." Was I? Lol. I mean, if I make eye contact with someone, I'll smile to be nice/kind. Doesn't make me happy. Someone else laughed at my response, too (because I'm often sarcastic/joking). But even that. I was like "yeah I'm just full of laughs..." but not really.

I just say all that because, maybe I do give off a "I'm fine/happy/funny" vibe more than I think? I was really confused at the guy saying I was happy, though. My joking is a defense mechanism for sure...but, happy? That was the opposite of how I'm feeling. I guess I've gotten good at masking how miserable I am. I think I do it so others won't worry and to put them at ease.

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

oh I posted that without refreshing the page and seeing your questions. I may not answer them all but I can see how the inventory is helpful. For sure I know I need to exercise and get outside more (because I don't). It's just hard to bring myself to do anything seemingly "extra" (beyond obligatory). I have had a lot of bad experiences with others in the past (socially, familial-ly) so I tend to be a hermit and don't have super strong supports. I do have 1-2 friends, long distance, sort of. I was telling at least one yesterday about how low I was feeling, so that was helpful at least. One of my 'real life' people knows and cares. I'm distanced from my family by choice..."choice" in the sense of, I'm the one that established the distance. But from an emotionally abusive upbringing, and it seems the toxic "Systems" are still rampant and I get a kind of PTSD response even thinking about phoning them or seeing them. (brain feels like it's being squeezed, same thing that precedes dissociation... might throw up, so forth). So that's fun.

I have had therapy in the past, one for two years and I told her a lot of the stuff. She was good. I have been meaning to get one again, but, here we are. So, concrete stuff I could do is exercise more and find a new therapist. But it takes effort.

Oh chemicals. I was on anti-depressants, weaned off last year. Don't drink much (if anything, maybe a sip or two every other week or less). Sometimes will take a bite of a gummy (legal where I am), but I've noticed that messes with my sleep so I don't do it often. I also have had autoimmune hypothyroidism since I was a child. So my thyroid is dead. I take meds for that. But a lot of the symptoms unfortunately persist (lethargy, depression, irritability). It's difficult to do stuff. I have pets and for real sometimes they are the only thing that gets me out of bed. I know that's a cliche, but, it's true. They will make noise and whatever until I get up. I can't let them suffer so, you know. ...

 

[Applecore]

Thanks, applecore. I'll check out the tweets. I remember back in 2007-ish when I was probably at my lowest, sometimes all that would get me through one moment was looking at a little robin hopping around, or a daffodil. that kind of thing. It was grounding in a way, too (back then I was close to dissociating a lot, maybe depersonalized, too, felt not a part of my surroundings).

I had to "laugh" inwardly today, considering my last post about not showing how upset I am to most people. I was going to skip going to something earlier (an obligation), but still went (small victory). Someone there saw me and, no joke, he was like "You look happy!" I stared dumbfounded. I said "...are you joking?" And he looked a bit taken aback and was like "No...you were smiling, so..." Was I? Lol. I mean, if I make eye contact with someone, I'll smile to be nice/kind. Doesn't make me happy. Someone else laughed at my response, too (because I'm often sarcastic/joking). But even that. I was like "yeah I'm just full of laughs..." but not really.

I just say all that because, maybe I do give off a "I'm fine/happy/funny" vibe more than I think? I was really confused at the guy saying I was happy, though. My joking is a defense mechanism for sure...but, happy? That was the opposite of how I'm feeling. I guess I've gotten good at masking how miserable I am. I think I do it so others won't worry and to put them at ease.

This is one of the first things Europeans (including Brits) notice is different about America; perpetual optimism at best, fake smiles at worst:

https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/9d040u/the_objective_distribution_graph_scottish_edition

It's definitely unhealthy to pretend to be happy, definitely unhealthy to be addicted to negativity, pessimism and complaining. Somehow we've got to find our way

 

[Applecore]

oh I posted that without refreshing the page and seeing your questions. I may not answer them all but I can see how the inventory is helpful. For sure I know I need to exercise and get outside more (because I don't). It's just hard to bring myself to do anything seemingly "extra" (beyond obligatory). I have had a lot of bad experiences with others in the past (socially, familial-ly) so I tend to be a hermit and don't have super strong supports. I do have 1-2 friends, long distance, sort of. I was telling at least one yesterday about how low I was feeling, so that was helpful at least. One of my 'real life' people knows and cares. I'm distanced from my family by choice..."choice" in the sense of, I'm the one that established the distance. But from an emotionally abusive upbringing, and it seems the toxic "Systems" are still rampant and I get a kind of PTSD response even thinking about phoning them or seeing them. (brain feels like it's being squeezed, same thing that precedes dissociation... might throw up, so forth). So that's fun.

I have had therapy in the past, one for two years and I told her a lot of the stuff. She was good. I have been meaning to get one again, but, here we are. So, concrete stuff I could do is exercise more and find a new therapist. But it takes effort.

Oh chemicals. I was on anti-depressants, weaned off last year. Don't drink much (if anything, maybe a sip or two every other week or less). Sometimes will take a bite of a gummy (legal where I am), but I've noticed that messes with my sleep so I don't do it often. I also have had autoimmune hypothyroidism since I was a child. So my thyroid is dead. I take meds for that. But a lot of the symptoms unfortunately persist (lethargy, depression, irritability). It's difficult to do stuff. I have pets and for real sometimes they are the only thing that gets me out of bed. I know that's a cliche, but, it's true. They will make noise and whatever until I get up. I can't let them suffer so, you know. ...

Okay then, there you go right there: exercise. Start with walks in nature. Start short walks, progress to longer and quicker. If it doesn't feel safe, look for a walking group or make your own one by using a local forum. With time, progress to jogging or cycling. If you really want change, then this is your first step. It will produce mental health benefit, I assure you.

I happen to have a lot of experience of autoimmune hypothyroidism as the main person in my life has it, and her irritability and depression has been very hard on me also. You probably know they prescribe aerobic exercise as well as medication. Sure, you might get an attack of exhaustion mid-hike, so start small.

By making you feel like shit, your body is telling you to get moving. Sympathy from friendly people is going to work less well than getting your heart rate up.

It's a first step. Solving all the rest that is going on will follow.

Get back to me this time next week and tell me how you got along.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Walking daily (or working up towards, starting a specific day a week, or adapting frequency to physical limitations) genuinely does help. If it’s a struggle to get out, is there a store you could walk to? To combine the tasks. To get you started.
If that’s not in your ability (physically or geographically) is there anything else you can attach the walk to?

For a while I walked daily in a naturey spot, felt really good. Going to start again soon, when life allows.
Walking in nature is better than just walking in a place you don’t really like (I hate walking by the side of the road and houses, physically does the job, which does help overall, but mentally less so), if at all available.

Half an hour (15 out and 15 back) will do something for you.
Or, going to sit somewhere nice, to read or eat lunch? I am throwing ideas out. I understand juggling health (both camps) with chronic illness and/or disability is a battle in and of itself.

I like to try and apply the 2% rule, or whatever it’s called. Even if I can only do 2% (eg. stepping foot outside for 10 minutes, or sitting at an open window for a while, being in the garden if you have one (I wish)), do it. Then at least we are doing something, and it can go towards being routine.

 

[Applecore]

Walking daily (or working up towards, starting a specific day a week, or adapting frequency to physical limitations) genuinely does help. If it’s a struggle to get out, is there a store you could walk to? To combine the tasks. To get you started.
If that’s not in your ability (physically or geographically) is there anything else you can attach the walk to?

For a while I walked daily in a naturey spot, felt really good. Going to start again soon, when life allows.
Walking in nature is better than just walking in a place you don’t really like (I hate walking by the side of the road and houses, physically does the job, which does help overall, but mentally less so), if at all available.

Half an hour (15 out and 15 back) will do something for you.
Or, going to sit somewhere nice, to read or eat lunch? I am throwing ideas out. I understand juggling health (both camps) with chronic illness and/or disability is a battle in and of itself.

I like to try and apply the 2% rule, or whatever it’s called. Even if I can only do 2% (eg. stepping foot outside for 10 minutes, or sitting at an open window for a while, being in the garden if you have one (I wish)), do it. Then at least we are doing something, and it can go towards being routine.

Well said. If we want change we need to change.

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

I'm still only hanging on by a thread at the moment, but I'll try walking more. Thanks.

 

[Applecore]

So how did it go, did you manage to take a small step in a new direction?