Just need some anonymous support

[SometimesIAskWhy]

Yeah, the title. I've been having a pretty rough time lately. I keep thinking I'm getting out of the slump and something slams me. I don't want to go into details but something extremely upsetting happened last night. It was the one thing I had been looking forward to the past week or so, keeping me going, but then it ended in a devastating way. (If someone really wants to know they can PM, if that's even allowed as a new member. I just don't want to be too obvious). And someone I was hoping would care about it, didn't seem to care at all. Which I know, is me being bad, expecting something from someone who already hasn't demonstrated that they care. Story of my life (and I really only have myself to blame...well, that and my emotionally abusive upbringing and bad attachment patterns, I guess).

Still. I don't know. It's been a rough patch for the past few months anyway and then there's this gut punch. I have depression and have been in many low states many times throughout my life. So it's not...new? But I guess I wanted just some kind of sense of community.

Oh and for what it's worth. I've been in therapy before. Recently I began looking for a therapist with my insurance and so far it hasn't worked (they all have long waitlists, etc). I've specifically been seeking EMDR so that is narrowing it down. But the constant "No's" from therapists has been wearing down on me, too. I'll keep looking and hopefully find a solution soon. I just feel like I'm drowning as it is, then there was a little ray of light, and then someone came and stepped on my head so that I'd be submerged under water again.

Fun. lol. I also need sleep and to eat. just yeah. Thanks for reading/listening and I'm sorry for whoever else is here too, going through a rough time. :(

 

[mszl]

You're not alone @SometimesIAskWhy

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

Thanks. It definitely sucks that the one thing keeping me afloat these past weeks ended up being a terrible moment/memory to add to my life that i'm currently attempting to recover from. Why is life like that. I've been trying to take it easy in bed and whatnot. I just keep getting knocked down lately. Definitely have been some upsetting things stirring up stuff from the past, which has set me downward and why I need to find a therapist. And then this crap, something I was happy about --- now awful. So, yeah. I'll try for finding a therapist again tomorrow, sigh.

 

[arfie]

hello sometimesaskwhy. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

recovery hasn't done away with ore even greatly reduced the hard knocks of life. what has changed in my own life is how i handle those hard knocks. my therapy support network and the toolbox i've gleaned from that network have made a HUGE diff in how quickly and gracefully i get back up.

as we say down here in cattle country, "keep your heels down, cowpoke." keeping your heels down prevents you from being dragged by your horse when those inevitable knocks throw you from your proverbial saddle.

welcome to the forum.

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

Yeah, I'd like to think by now I've learned how to manage things better than before. If I think of how I was in my early 20s...what I am now is a lot "healthier" than that, I guess. I've learned to ruminate less, so there's that. But sometimes I still feel like I'm hanging on by just such a tiny thread. And the people I've been surrounded by lately seem a lot more "with it" and capable of doing things than I am, which seems to stress how damaged and incapable I am. But. I shouldn't compare (and who knows what other ppl are actually feeling themselves.) Again, hopefully I can find a therapist sooner than later to help buffer how I've been feeling lately.

Thanks.

 

[Applecore]

Little things help. Company, even strangers sitting near us in cafes. Self help books. Calling an old friend and telling them you have fond memories. Gratitude, telling people we appreciate them. Doubling exercise, cutting sugar and alcohol by half. Quitting social media and taking up a physical social group activity instead - like a class or activity group. As a treat going to your nearest beautiful place, whether it's a park or scenic spot. Feeling the pain and knowing the pain can pass like spring comes after winter. Knowing it can make you stronger.

 

[Friday]

(If someone really wants to know they can PM, if that's even allowed as a new member. I just don't want to be too obvious).

MOD NOTE : It’s not allowed, full stop. As we once had PMs but trauma victims are entirely too delicious for predators not to target, and for pain and chaos, not to ensue. If you’d like a members-only format? THAT is catered. Via members-only subforums. But PMs have been removed.

If it’s not an issue of privacy, but a desire to limit hurt to others? >>> Reading Forum Increases Symptoms! & from our Community Constitution

Individual Responsibility​

All members are expected to manage their own emotional and psychological regulation. In the event that a member consistently engages in disruptive behavior and does not progress towards self-regulation, that member will either be temporarily or permanently removed from the community.

MyPTSD does not use trigger warnings. Mind reading what could be a trigger for another is a negative thinking style, a problem all PTSD sufferers need to correct at some level. Whilst some view its use as a courtesy, it is impossible to know what will, or will not, trigger another person, regardless the graphic detail contained. After all, this is a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences.

This IS a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences.

Welcome. Glad to have you, whilst sorry for what brought you.

 

[Applecore]

MOD NOTE : It’s not allowed, full stop. As we once had PMs but trauma victims are entirely too delicious for predators not to target, and for pain and chaos, not to ensue. If you’d like a members-only format? THAT is catered. Via members-only subforums. But PMs have been removed.

If it’s not an issue of privacy, but a desire to limit hurt to others? >>> Reading Forum Increases Symptoms! & from our Community Constitution



This IS a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences.

Welcome. Glad to have you, whilst sorry for what brought you.

Didn't know that, sounds horrible and am glad you guys have attended to the problem. Are you saying predators were seeking vulnerable people for sadistic pleasure online, or were they trying to meet them offline in order to attack them?

 

[Friday]

Are you saying predators were seeking vulnerable people for sadistic pleasure online, or were they trying to meet them offline in order to attack them?

Yep.

Hence the more public? The better. For REAL support.

Instead of? >>> Members Take Note - Everyone Is Not Who You May Think

Take what is USEFUL to you, here. We safeguard as best we can, like no PMs/PCs. Leave, the rest.

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

Thanks for the comments and letting me know about the PM thing. I saw the envelope up in the corner so I figured it was available, but I totally understand why it isn't. I was just avoiding saying what my "bad event" was since it's kind of unusual/oddly specific...I want to be anonymous. I don't want someone I know reading this and then being able to read anything else I write on here, knowing who I am, if that makes sense. I don't mind saying what it is otherwise, it's just that anonymous aspect.

Somehow my week continued to get worse after that. I had a moment to breathe and then was hit with another massively stressful event (this was on Monday). It's like I just got the wind knocked out of me all over again. I think that 2nd thing is finally slightly smoothing over...hopefully things will be better next week. But it's been rough for me for sure.

And applecore, yes....when I get a moment to breathe on Sunday, I will try to find a nice little spot in nature or something to just clear my mind a little. I haven't had time for that yet, but, Sunday...fingers crossed (if no more weird unexpected bad things keep happening, ugh)

 

[Applecore]

And applecore, yes....when I get a moment to breathe on Sunday, I will try to find a nice little spot in nature or something to just clear my mind a little. I haven't had time for that yet, but, Sunday...fingers crossed (if no more weird unexpected bad things keep happening, ugh)

When I was a kid going through it, I developed a go-to image of being battered by one lethal storm after another; I was on the rocks by the ocean, but I was one of those tiny sea creatures, perhaps a barnacle, who clings to their rock and survives everything. Don't know where it came from, it was just a spontaneous way to cope and it helped. The more terrifying the power of the storms, the more exciting it became that this little crustacean could survive them.

By the way, like you I was also reluctant to speak up about my experiences in detail here for fear of being outed or "doxed". With time I realized there are enough people out there (world population ~8 billion) who also come from families in which there is a combination of child abuse, child front line combat trauma, rape, incestual rape, suicide, copycat suicide, alcoholism, cult membership, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, eating disorder and psychotherapist abuse perpetration, that it's actually going to be difficult to single out little old me, even for someone looking, which is less likely than being struck by lightening or even winning the lottery. And even then, on balance, them hearing my voice and my truth before they die might be just the right thing for me anyway.

In turn I saw that what may have felt like my fear of speaking up in the first place was rather fear of the pain of recounting what happened and opening a Pandora's Box of depression and breakdown. When I got round to speaking up, yes it did cause pain, and eventually that pain passed and left me in a better place. I share this as just a thought for you to consider.

Am recommending you an audiobook for your journeys to your nice little spot in nature. It's a bit too "woo woo" for me in some parts, but a lot more of it has very wise common sense about our times like this:

Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow

Audible Audiobook – Unabridged​

Elizabeth Lesser (Author), Susan Denaker (Narrator), Random House Audio (Publisher)

 

[arfie]

I was just avoiding saying what my "bad event" was since it's kind of unusual/oddly specific...I want to be anonymous.

the anonymity is critical to me, as well, on many levels. here in my 6th decade of recovery, i feel like the most important level is that keeping ^it^ anonymous saves me from getting lost in the myriad of irrelevant details. does it matter which she/he/it/we/they/etc is to blame? i'm here to heal. i will leave the judging to the judges. anonymity allows me to balancing the healing need for brutal honesty while guarding the healing hopes for others.

i balance the conflict between healing needs and respect for others by leaving out as many second and third person pronouns as possible. an email is just an email. a convo is just a convo, whatever the medium. a memory is just a memory, regardless of the genitalia attached. glossing over the other players involved helps me follow the thread to the strictly personal wounds inside my strictly personal skin.

and it is fully understandable if you didn't understand a word of that. it's strictly personal.

when I get a moment to breathe on Sunday, I will try to find a nice little spot in nature or something to just clear my mind a little.

funny thing about moments is that you can snatch them in random sequences. a random weed growing in the parking lot i am hustling over. a bug on the shoulder of a fellow board member in an endlessly dreary bored meeting. pun intended. a glimmer of sunlight streaming through an office window. a flock of birds passing over the traffic gridlock that is messing with my schedule.

don't wait. bend over. be amazed. now. the fellow rats in the race need not be aware you have stolen a precious moment.