Just Not Coping With Furbabies Gone

[Nighteyes]

Not sure if this fits best here, but honestly don't know where else to post.
I've suffered from PTSD (diagnosed) since 2007. In diagnosed well my whole life.
I stopped therapy back in 2012 when after trying to find work in my career kept failing and decided to operate my own business for medically challenged children.

That said and done, when I was in therapy it was discover that my coping mechanisms evolved around my fur baby Smokey. Smokey was the one who put an end to the abuse I was suffering and he was the one to protect me. He would be my focus, my anchor when getting flashbacks and he just made life worth living.

On new years 2014, my smokey, 19 year old huskies retriever passed away from pneumonia. I am a licensed healthcare provider that provides life support to humans but I couldn't afford to do this for my Smokey. I couldn't save him. I had schooling to district me from dealing right after, and another fur baby Bandet. June 4th 2014 however I also lost my Bandet. He got so stressed by the loss of Smokey which aloud lymphoma to take hold and he passed away while I was gone. Bandet was 7. I honestly am in disbelief that both my boys were taken from me in the same year yet along 5 months apart.

I am having a very hard time coping. I keep it to myself, but I no longer sleep, I cry all night and am extremely agitated and aggressive during the day. I feel a failure when it comes to my smokey, and i am completely heart broken.

I can no longer ground myself during flashbacks, and they are definitely more frequent. To be honest my thoughts are filled with desire to "join" by boys, because without them there is no point in life.

I have failed at everything I have fought for, I have lost everything I held close when they passed...
I have a child whom I love but most of the time can't stand ( my issues not the child's) a fience I have zero trust in and hate being near, in school for a career I despise because the career I love and want doesn't want me... And now I have no escape.. No unconditional love, no happy tail wagging full of joy "sergeant" to walk with, to talk to and to just lay with to make my world okay....
I am hopelessly lost without my babies!!!!!

 

[Fadeaway]

Grief is hard enough without PTSD. The Grief PTSD combo can feel unbearable at times. Have you talked to a therapist about coping with your grief?

 

[anthony]

Sorry to hear... Huskies are beautiful dogs. An old friend had two purebred huskies and they were both amazing animals. So placid, yet playful. Gorgeous dogs... and I'm not really a dog person, yet even I liked those ones. Big... but really nice dogs.

I think he then changed after they died to Alaskan Malamute, which were similar... and still amazing pups.

 

[Alien Goodness]

Sorry to read about the loss of your two furbabies. When a loved pet dies, it is like losing a family member. It sounds as if you are in a very difficult place with your career and everything. Can you get another dog?

 

[KwanYingirl]

My dogs have always been so important to my feeling loved and protected. It is just horrible to lose them. I have a console where I keep photos of them all and still cry over them. Like you, I grieve long and hard for them. My current dog is almost 2. She has Addison's Disease and the Vet won't give me her prognosis. She is an PTSD service dog. She is so loving and happy, yet my heart still aches for those that have passed.

My PTSD manifests in many ways, one of which is an inability to process grief and loss. So I can relate to your story fully. My therapist and I work on getting me past all the losses I have had. It might be time for you to revisit therapy to help you through the difficulties you have. I also had to leave the medical field due to being poisoned by gluteraldehyde. Loss of vocational identity is huge. I am wishing you the best warm wishes. Your babies were blessed to be yours.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm so sorry about all this for you. I am in a similar situation, and so I can relate. I had a PTSD Service Dog named Babygirl. She was a dachshund. I had her for around 6-7 years. Then she developed a health problem that I was unable to pay to correct. I had 2 choices, have her put to sleep or put her up for adoption. I chose the later, only wanting what was best for her. Afterward I was praying to God that she get adopted by someone who could pay for her surgery, and God softly spoke to me in a mental or spiritual kind of voice and told me that she'd been adopted by a nice couple. I had been thinking and hoping for one single person who might adopt her, so I am quite sure that this was God speaking and not my wishful thinking. That makes me very happy for her, but....

I have cried a lot too. I miss her so. We went everywhere together and she was so helpful to me in so many ways! I even had a prescription for her from my psychiatrist and she was registered with the state I live in, so no one could bar her from entry. She could even go out to eat with me! (Of course I did not feed her in restaurants, but she would keep me company there).

Now I feel empty, but I try to focus on the good things in life and not my loss I am so grieving about. Friends seem to know what I am going through and I have leaned upon them heavily, especially online ones. That has helped a lot. I also keep a Gratitude Journal, writing in it all that I am grateful for in my life. Of course, even though I did not longer have Babygirl, she was at the top of the list, because she had helped me through some of the roughest parts of my life. People ask me if I will get another dog, and I say I cannot afford the vet bills that I know will come, so I know it would be unfair to the dog. So I have decided not to get another pet.

I do have a fish aquarium though. It can never replace her, but it is a nice relaxing distraction. I have a beta, some neon tetras and a catfish. The beta follows me around everywhere! If I am on the right side of the tank, he swims there. If I am in front of it, he swims there. And so on.... I am not suggesting you get a fish tank. I am supposing that another fur baby would be too expensive for you too, so I'd say focus on your child. Hug that child, even if you don't feel like it! Maybe when he or she hugs you back, you will feel better somewhat. It is worth trying.

As to me experiencing more PTSD things since I lost my fur baby, yes, this has been stirred up too, but I don't want to focus on these things right now; I am sure you understand.

I wish you well and peace. Once you have cried this out, make sure you get some extra sleep, sleep is a healing thing. It is better than medicine. See if you can get the September copy of The "O"prah Magazine (she's wearing a black leotard on the front cover). There is a whole wonderful article in it about sleep. Read it. It will help you! And may God bless you and give you peace of mind and rest.

 

[toile]

I can completely empathize! I lost my two girls in the same year and the flashbacks and panic attacks started right back up. Since then I have developed several new coping mechanisms, including daily yoga - which has been a blessing. I'm still not as stable as I was when I had the girls, but I'm working very hard to find a way to thrive without them. ((hugs))

 

[xena21]

I feel a failure when it comes to my smokey, and i am completely heart broken.

The only thing I can say is to relate back what people said to me recently...my dog just died last month and she was 15. Most large dogs don't live that long. She was a shephard mix with many hip issues. It made me feel like a better pet owner after hearing people's replies when they explained about their experiences and how relative it is...particularly with age and the type of dog. A shephard or husky is not usually a dog to live an extensive life. For your dog to live even 19 years is amazing. The love and care you showed your dog by caring for him for 19 years is obvious in the sense that he lived so long. It doesn't matter what job you hold. I hope you recognize how important you were in your dogs life and in a great way!!!

 

[Nighteyes]

Have you talked to a therapist about coping with your grief?

I have not talked to a therapist or anyone about my grief. I have not had, or more likely made the time to even consider it. I hate therapy, it did not help much ( yes I guess that means it helped a little) in the past. Its just so over whelming. Both my dogs in under five months. My only friends my only support just gone. I can rationalize the whole dogs have shorter life spans then us thing. But I can not get over Smokey dying from a disease that is so treatable had I just had the money for further more invasive treatment.:cry:

Can you get another dog?

After Smokey we joined a rescue organization as a foster home. We fostered one puppy whom found another home with in two months. We then Rescued a Malamute in which we intended to keep. However; the malamute was older and upon further investigation had detached retinas. We did not have this info when we rescued him. He fell down our basement stairs on a Sunday evening and on Monday morning while I was in clinical and hubby was at work, under inadequate supervision by the sitter the dog bit my young child's face.

Thus, we were able to rehome that dog and now for just reason my child is afraid of dogs.

So to sum up, we are not able to get another dog now. No dog will ever be as good or great as my Smokey and the Bandet. :bawling:

I appreciate all the replies. I truly wish I knew how to deal with all this. My "bottles" over flowing and I can not take on anymore horrors in my life.

But gods not done with my family yet, he had to add my hubby being diagnosed with MS to all this other horrible nightmare with no escape.

I truly use to think nothing worse then the abuse, raps and neglect I have suffered could ever happen... Then 2014 began:tdown::tup:

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm so sorry to hear all this, @Nighteyes, just remember that it is OK to grieve and that God does not create evil, the devil does. God is by our side, doing His best to comfort us and calm us and also trying to fix what is wrong. It often takes Him time to correct such situations, but he does so for many folks every day. I pray for your recovery and that of your child's.