Just Over A Week Till The First Appointment

[Zipperhead]

I've been asking for help for a long time now it seems. When they first told me that there were no appointments till next fall I nearly gave up and ran. Now that my appointment is only 8 days away I'm back to the same place. I asked for help, it's almost here, and all I want to do is run. It's almost like if I don't go to the first appointment then I don't really have to admit to myself that I have a problem.

I have not been having allot of luck dealling with the medical system since I got back off my last tour. I have had several run ins with personnality conflicts, incompetance and even just me not wanting to hear the truth. My problems actually started in KAF. I was still on the operating table when the JAG came in and handed me a phone. I really didn't want to call home at that point, but when a Major hands you a phone you phone. I told my wife that I had been in a little accident and was back in KAF. The nurse that was closing my right arm said "sure, sugar coat it. Don't tell her the truth or anything". Of course I didn't know what to say then. My wife had heard it and was going into hystarics, I just wanted to hang up, and so I did. Of course the Major made me promise I'd call her right back as soon as I was out of surgery, but I was so shaken by that that it took me 3 days to grow enough nuts to call her back. I guess the nurse probably ment well, wanted me to be honest and get it over with and all, but I have never been able to get over that feeling of betrayal.

So here I am once again going to throw my fate at the medical world. Since 2007 I have been recommended for Anger management 3 times by these "profesionals". I have been denied medical care by them 3 times (co-incidence?) I don't really trust them and they are the ones that are suppose to help me. I can't help but remember the 6 weeks I spent in sheer pain, unable to sleep for more than an hour at a time because they didn't want to give me narcotics. I can't help but remember when they told me to go down town and pay for my own medication to treat the shrapnel wounds to my arm (why should that come out of their budget?) Or the shrink that wanted me to put my feelings into categories of distorted thought, like my feelings were invalid or something. And now I am going back to let them kick me again.

There is always hope that this time will be differant. I'm going in to get help so that I will be able to deal with my anger. Surely they must realise that means I might be a little blunt and sarcastic at times. These people specialise in treating PTSD and other stress related conditions. They must realise that sometimes we are not thinking all that clearly. But above all I'm scared. I haven't been this scared in a long time. I don't remember being scared like this when people were trying to kill me. It's like I feel that I have one chance left, and if I blow this one I have no where else to go. That will be it, nothing left but the after action report. Is that what my life has come down to? Another statistic for the war diary?

 

[Fargo1]

Zipperhead,

Brother I know it is some hard and scary shit. It took me 6 years from when I first 'knew' I had a problem. Six f*cking years of destroying my work, my relationships, and myself before I could finally get low enough to admit that I had to go do something about PTSD. I was also frustrated by The System and finally decided to do it on my own rather than through the VA. But no matter how it comes about you just have to do it.

I think your feeling of being scare is justified and perhaps it is more scary because you are actually killing yourself. Remember that you are in a fight for your life. Also remember that we are all here for you.

Fargo

 

[deborah l. boylan]

Hey Zipperhead,
I applaud you for giving it one more try. Hopefully, this time things will go differently. Not every doctor out there is qualified to treat PTSD so you might want to ask the person that you see if they see patients with this diagnosis. If they don't you might want to request someone who does. Be ready to answer a lot of questions, some might be painful. Just do the best you can and if you feel yourself getting out of control tell them. We're always here for you and you're safe with us. Just remember that.

Deb

 

[Jimmy1]

You know Zipperhead, I don't think there is one person on the forum who have returned from overseas service, and has been diagnosed with PTSD then given all their benefits. Its never been that easy.
I personally was diagnosed with problems in 2002, these included anger problems, insomnia, hypervigelence, irritability, etc, etc. They said it was my thyroid or just family problems. This then went unchecked until returning from Iraq in 06. Even then, they denied it was PTSD. You see, if they admit then they are liable.
But we are left holding the pieces of our lives and our families lives.

Treat this appointment totally different mate. They are more accepting now because PTSD is a major factor when it comes to returned service personnel. Just don't let them put words into your mouth.

 

[Misera1013]

I agree with Jimmy that it's never been " that easy". There has always been some kind of bull. When I got back and had all kinds of nightmares and wouldn't go anywhere alone, they told me it was normal and my brain was "working out everything I saw." Well, it never went away!!!!!

I wish you the best of luck!! I hope they don't screw you again. I know it can be so hard! I know it makes you want to give up. I've been there. Heck, I left the VA's mental health system, because I got so tired of their crap! Please don't let them give you crap. (((Hugs)))

 

[Zipperhead]

3 More days. Thanks all for the encouragement. I kind of wish there was a simple test that one could take at home on their own time and would give an acurate result and get it over with. You know, piss on the strip and if it turns blue,,,

It's been an interesting week. Big fight with wife. Ready to strangle kid. Strangely my back hasn't been killing me. Had another peice of shrapnel come to the surface. Hasn't come out yet, just close. With any luck I'll start bleeding in the middle of my appointment on Wednesday. I think the fight with the wife actually helped abit. We've both been walking on egg shells lately and it felt good to clear the air somewhat. We'll see what they have to say Wednesday.

Al

 

[BV101]

Good luck mate. Thats a lot of physical and mental shit to be dealing with. I can't offer any advice really, but I just hope you get somewhere.

 

[Zipperhead]

Tommorow is almost here. I'm home alone tonight. The wife is out camping with my seven year old and 2 of his cousins. Some quiet time to ponder if this time is going to be differant.

I remember the first time a medical professional suggested I may have some issues from Afghanistan. It was actually a pharmisist who had just refused to give me something to take the itch away from the healing shrapnel scars. At the time I assumed that was his way of deflecting my anger and making it look like it was my fault I was mad. Still, all the medical staff who ever had the misfortune to treat me were suggesting that I had anger issues. No one ever suggested that there was a reason for this. Everyone seemed to be saying I had an issue and no one ever said "can we help?"

I remember the the day after I got hit. I had been treated at the international hospital at KAF and had to report to the Canadian Medics the next morning during sick parade. I had thought it odd that they had just released me after surgery and left me to my own devices for 4 hours waiting for sick parade. Still the pain meds had worn off and I was waiting outside the door long before sick parade started. I could hear them inside chatting, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day. As I watched my watch turn to 0737hrs (yes they were suppose to open at 0730hrs) I was getting a bit "grumpy". When They finally opened the doors I was face to face with the MCpl Medic. She actually asked me what I was doing there! I was covered with bandages, I was covered in blood (it had taken then almost 2 hours to evacuate me, and then it had taken over 40 stitches to close me up) and I must have looked in pain. Still I explained that the role 1 had told me to report. The MCpl told me to go clean up first. I lost it! I asked for a towel, soap, clean cloths, anything to clean up with. The medics couldn't beleive I had been released from the role 1 without so much as a blanket to slep in that night. To their credit they got me set up and even drove me all around to get cleaned up abit.

I guess my experiences with the medical staff have been less then inspiring. My mistrust of these people has probably affected the standard of treatment I have received. Still, it's hard to wrap your head around that you are part of the problem. Tommorow I'm back there again. This time it's civis. They have never been there. I'm sure they have heard the stories though as they are "PTSD Experts." I'm not sure what makes them experts, they probably received a government grant for adopting the title. As you can see I'm not so sure that this is going to help anymore than the army shrink that told me my thoughts were invalid. Am I wasting my time here or what?

 

[Misera1013]

It's worth a shot. What if you didn't go and it is a great place that can actually help?

 

[Zipperhead]

The appointment was just an hour long interview / vent session followed by filling in two surveys. I left feeling abit anxious. First off, paperwork is not my friend. Second off, I was hoping for positive results or a beginning of some kind of treatment. Still nothing. Just ifs or whens. Seems that this is going to take awhile before anything positive might come from this. The term anger management was brought up again as if it was some real benificial treatment that would cure me of all my ails. No, I didn't blow up on them. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up for my next appointment on the 22nd.

 

[Fargo1]

Zipperhead,

Hey man I am glad that things went well. I consider only a bit anxious a win personaly.

I am not sure how everyone else's therapy started out, but mine started out by telling me story. The first few sessions were to figure out my 'major' traumas. Then we tried working on one of them...my reaction was...angry to say the least. My therapist then had me tell my whole life story backwards. It took a while as she would stop me here and there to go into more depth on some of them. But all in all it took two to three weeks, three times a week until we really started doing real 'work' on anything. But since then it has been progressing well IMHO.

Hopefully it will work out that way for you as well.

Fargo

 

[Zipperhead]

I guess what's really bumming me out is that it's every second week or so, not 2 or 3 times a week. It seems we are going to take forever to get anywhere.

We never talked about any of my experiences other than when I got hit. Other than that it was mostly how I've been dealing at home and with the medics. I'm abit bitter with the medics here, so I guess there is an issue there to discuss. Still, at this rate it's going to be years before we get anywhere. It may seem abit strange. I've gone 3 years pretending there was nothing wrong with me and now that I've given up that farce I want results now. I guess admitting I was the problem has caused me to be abit anxious to deal with the the situation.