Just Realized

[trying2movefwd]

So I thought about two different ways to end it this morning. Why was I thinking this way? I just feel so daggone guilty!!!! I have a lot of I shouldn't have's. I feel like my kids deserve better, but I just realized ending it isn't what I want to do, what I really want is a better life for me and my kids. I am being triggered right now as I type. My neighborhood is not safe. How can I heal if I don't feel safe? I hate this for my kids. Great I am dissacosiating.... i can feel it. I need help today. Counseling was yesterday before all this happened.

 

[mamachick]

I am really glad that you decided that ending it is not the solution.How is your neighborhood not safe?
I feel as though my neighborhood is safe but the Wal Mart where we all shop-yesterday had someone fire many shots...so its not safe. I think we are living in very scary time and even if where you live is safe, most must venture out of that neighborhood. Believe me, I am not minimizing your neighborhood. I am pointing out that with ptsd, often nothing feels safe enough.

It sounds like something recently happened to make you more fearful, since your therapy appointment?

 

[trying2movefwd]

A fight broke out amongst adults just as kids were getting off the bus. There is also a lot of illegal drug activity in my neighborhood ( I know it's everywhere) when looking at the crime map my neighborhood is the worst in the area. I probably need to try and move. I know wherever i go i will take myself with me. I feel guilty for putting my kids in this situation. I should have never left my house. I left it to go to a domestic violence shelter. I was scared at the time, but I think my ptsd heightened my fears. I was already seperated from my spouse, but my in laws were threatni g me and trying to talk him into harming me more than he did. This probably makes no sense.

 

[trying2movefwd]

The house was sold.

 

[trying2movefwd]

I live in an apartment now.

 

[Mytime]

Trying2 I'm sending hugs my friend. I hope you take a deep breath and tell yourself, "I'm ok, I'm a fighter, I am strong, I know I'm strong because I made it here where I am today.
Please don't take this in a bad way or that I'm down sizing how your feeling. I want you to know, most mothers feel they could or should have done better as a mother. The thing is we all make mistakes. But we do the best we can do, with what we have at the time. Your a good mother, you show it. Because you want to do better then you did before.
I believe that's apart of life. Wanting to do better, learning from our mistakes and kept moving forward. You are still trying to move forward and that's hard for anyone. Add PTSD to that, your a rock. Your strong,durable, protective, soft, edgy , solid and grounded. This is how I see you my friend. I'm sending you hugs and support.

 

[mamachick]

It makes sense why you left. Even without knowing the details, it makes sense to anyone who has been in that position. There is no right and wrong answers to being a parent for sure. Im sure your fear was heightened then. I agree, take a deep breath and look at your options when you are calm. My kids are grown and I do the "should have, could have stuff" all the time. We can only do the best we can and it is good enough.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@trying2movefwd You did what you had to do. End of story. It's not going to help by rehashing or by shoulding or coulding yourself now. You got out of a bad situation. No where is safe. Where I live, we have had so many shootings in the past year that it's ridiculous. Yesterday, the police had to shoot a guy that tried to run him over.

You're doing the best that you can with what you have. That's all you can do, so it has to be enough.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

@trying2movefwd I am really happy that your still here. You are a fighter. Your strong. As long as you believe that you can overcome anything. Just keep moving forward especially when you wanna give up thats when you need to push harder. As a mom myself I am proud that you did what was best in your situation. Your a great mother, your children are lucky to have you. I believe in you and I'm sure everyone else here does as well. Sending hugs and support. You'll always have us. We will have your back no matter what happens.