"just When You Thought You Knew Yourself...."

[Paranoid10]

I just had a very bad experience today. I'm still upset about it. I'm still scared and I'm trying my best to hold it all together right now, for the sake of my kids who are with me right now. I'm trying to hold back the tears and just concentrate on breathing and relaxing as much as possible. I just took a Klonopine about 15 minutes ago and I'm hoping that it will kick in sooner than later. I didn't know what else to do. I called my wife and let her know my situation. I still don't feel better, so I guess I will just post it here. I need to find a release for this pain.
I just came from my mother-in-laws' house. She is physically limited to what she can do due to her own health problems. I went over there at her request to drop off a couple of items and help her with carving a turkey. I'm not usually an individual within my family that carves turkeys around Thanksgiving time. It's not that I don't want to do it. There has just always been someone else who has been the "eager beaver" and has wanted to always do that job. So, this was my time. I was doing okay with it until I got about 15-20 minutes into it and got to the bottom half of the turkey when BAM! I get hit with this memory from Iraq of my hands being covered in human blood and I'm performing medical procedures on a Soldier. Just as quickly as this memory hit me, it was gone. But it left that very raw feeling inside. I thought after all these years that I knew my self in regards to PTSD and what my triggers are. This completely blindsided me and I had no clue that it was coming. I'm still in shock of it all and thought I had been doing extremely well in recent days with my issues.
I'm currently at a loss as to what to do or further say about it. Thanks for listening.

 

[intothelight]

(((Hugs)))

 

[sea]

I think having intrusive memories and having episodes like that are not exactly indicative of a linear process of healing. No matter how far you get I think it will still inevitably happen once in a while. Sometimes triggers are consistent, sometimes they're not. Sometimes what doesn't trigger you before, will trigger you the next day. Just because you are doing extremely well does not mean there will not be blips along the way. Doesn't mean you aren't doing well, that is just the nature of PTSD.

What you were doing sounds like it would've set me off too if I were capable of doing it. I wouldn't have even volunteered. Anything can be a trigger, but in my opinion, some of em are more obvious than others. So I wouldn't feel too bad about it having happened. I think that you are doing what you can about it. It just doesn't feel like a whole lot because you still feel like shit. Talk it out, figure out where it came from, figure out how you feel about it, and process the actual memory.

Write it out, here or in private, talk with a therapist about it if you have one. As PTSD is incurable, as you manage your symptoms better you will find that it gets bearable and easier to function with, but there are still inevitably going to be days like today where you are triggered. The trick is learning how to cope with it when it happens so it doesn't f*ck up the entire balance. As of yet I am not even remotely capable of coping with shit, so I don't have any really solid advice at this point. What I usually do is just write about it or talk about it. Eventually it either goes away or I can comprehend it better.

Am really sorry that happened to you. Also I would wonder if maybe the additional stress of it being holiday time also precipitated the event, as I recall you had to go to the store earlier today as well and got in a confrontation I think, or that might have just been an example. But either way, holidays do provide stress, whether good or bad, which might have set the ground for what happened. Hope you are feeling and doing better.

 

[Paranoid10]

Thanks for the insight. I got a lot of sleep yesterday and I think that really helped me to refocus and look at the situation with a fresh mind. I honestly never imagined that doing something as simple as carving a turkey would have set me off. But the fact is that it did. Maybe I need to be a little more open minded as to some of the other possibilities that could set me off. However, considering that this one came out of nowhere, I think I need to be prepared for a next time. Not just to take for granted that everything is always going to be hunky dory. I think the shock factor came from not having one of these in quite some time. So it completely through me for a loop when it happened. I'm feeling better today and hopefully it will be a good one. You have a great day too and I'll talk with you later. Thanks again, paranoid10.

 

[maddog]

The restorative power of sleep can never be overstated. For me, nothing brings me back to equillibrium in the aftermath of a bad trigger better than a good sound sleep.

Sadly, learning to accept the reality of PTSD is learning to expect the unexpected. Triggers will always exist, and yes, sometimes when and where we least expect them.

So glad you're feeling better today.

Maddog