Just When You Thought You Were Getting Somewhere...

[Ned]

Well, I did. Have fought a lot of battles with PTSD, done my recce, learned its patterns, adapted my behaviour and reactions.
Last couple of years, thought I was doing OK.
Thought I'd, pretty crucially, saved my relationship with my long-suffering girlfriend.

Then we had a row this weekend, and she tells me that ' you're worse since you started looking back on that web-site'.

Plunk.

How f*cking arse-about-face. Suddenly I realised how wide and 180-degree the gulf is.

She seems to think that my insommnia is due to me being worried that I might 'miss out on something because a lot of the users are in a different time zone'...........
Pause for the f*cking cactus and tumbleweed to roll by while Charles Bronson plays that very threatening harmonica.

I said, as gently as I could, that I was not some f*cking teenager addicted to a chat site.

That this place was the only sanctuary I could return to, and, after a year or so of building up good relationships with fellow travellers, be sure of understanding.

In the middle of the darkness, when horrible dreams make me wake up stressed and hyper, I can come here and find support.

I would not wish an innocent to know what I know. All due respect, fellow members, if I could never come back here again that would be great.

This site is the best help I have, if others are having a similar problem with their partners please let them read this I hope it's articulate enough…

right now I have f*cking given up on trying to explain.

 

[reddevil1111]

We do understand mate. Other people can conjure some strange ideas from what we really do here. You cant let go of the support you have and use to get by on and please don't let her comments ruin things for you. I think all of us would gladly run from this site and hide in the deep shadows if we thought we could and manage.
Maybe look at in a fresh perspective and try to explain to her the difference and the support you get from here. If you think it would help. Her reaction seems a bit selfish. And maybe that's the root issue. Maybe its her way of saying spend that time with me not those idiots on the web. I cant say for sure but could that be the case? I hope so as then you can find some middle ground easily enough. I hope its not more deeply rooted resentment that you cant hope to reconcile or move past.
I spend a lot of time in here myself and I find solace sometimes in others posts. I find it easy to connect with others like myself. But I also don't have to explain my time and its use to someone else anymore either. Good luck Ned.

 

[Ned]

Thanks Red makes sense.

 

[JarHed]

I think that many people; the wives, husbands, kids, relatives, friends of vets like us just don't really understand. Even those that want to. They see us as we are now, not as were then. They don't know or understand the terrible burden that we carry with us for a lifetime. It makes relationships of any kind hard. It's why we can understand and they, sadly, can't. I hope it all works out for ya'.

 

[Jimmy1]

Margaret call this site my 'Knitting Club'. She will say, 'Off to the knitting club'.

Look, if it helps it helps. Ned buddy, maybe you need to show her what information is on here. Show her some of the serious chats we have. Red is on the right path there.
Margaret tells me sometimes that i spend more time in front of the PC than with her. That way I know she needs some time. Most of the time she does her thing and I do mine though.

I don't know Ned, it's no use arguing about this site otherwise it will become a bone of contention.

 

[Anglesachse]

I guess I can understnad where she is coming from.

We all have our days, when we get of here after someone has won the Alan Todd Award and those around us find it hard to talk to us because we are so wound up.

On the other hand, I come here to have a laugh more than anything else. Like you Ned cocker, I have learnt loads in way of understanding and coping with the shit we carry, some info from here of the site, otherstuff further afield from clinics, and just reading stuff.

Maybe, it would help if she knew who you were talking to? I mean there are a few guys and girls around the site who live close enough to each other to facilitate a get together.

Reason I am saying that is because if she sees you with a brother and see`s the "Bond" no questions asked but everything understood mentality maybe she would understand the reason why you need the site better.

I wouldn`t suggest an Award winner for the first meeting but you get what I mean.

I guess this is probably one of the reasons why I am hardly ever on the site after the shop closes. I get my hit while at work, and then have time for the misses and nipper when I get home. It is no guarantee it will be quality time but at least it is time together.

But then if she is complaining about you using the site when you can`t sleep, I must admit to being stumped on an answer to that short of getting a grip of your sleep phases.

I must admit though, I sleep realy well these days thanks to all the TCM, Kinesiology and weird natural health stuff I was doing last year.

As a last resort you could just invite all the lads round, we could have a right hum dinger of a house party, and for you never inviting us again she would be no doubt happy for you to use the forum!

 

[JarHed]

You know I've been married more than 40 years, whew. My wife is my best friend and there's nothing I can't talk to her about. She's very stoic, though, and doesn't always tell me what she's thinking. I don't push it because I know that if she wants to say something she will.She's truly been the light in the darkness for me, and probably the reason I'm still around.

I've been reading '30 days with my father', great book about a woman that grew up with a father that was a 'Nam vet with PTSD and how it affected her life. I was talking to my wife about it and she said that she'd like to read it when I'm done. That was when she told me that the hardest thing for her was never knowing what kind of mood I'd be in. I said, yeah, that's a tough one for me as well. It was one of the few times that she's ever mentioned anything like that.

Guess what I'm saying is that even if you've had a long relationship with someone it doesn't always mean that they understand what it's like to be us. I'm sure she suffers from a secondary form of PTSD just from being around me all these years. I admire what she's put up with and the support she's given me. It takes a long time to get to this point. You have to do the work on yourself first, but that's no guarentee that you'll have a good relationship either. Both people have to be willing to work at it, 'cause it takes work at times.

I hope it all works out for ya' Ned Mate.

 

[Ned]

Thanks. Good honest advice from all of you. Was a bit of a kick in the bollocks, to be honest, when I straighten up I'll be able to give it all a more placid viewing.
Right now I'm still applying the bag of frozen peas......:(