Sufferer Just... Why?

[LiveLongandProsper]

hi, the only thing that kept me together for a while was acting like i didn't need deep emotions.

I've grown past that for the most part, only because i had repressed memories that surfaced and have forced me into a constant state of anxiety and depression.

i shake a lot, i grind my teeth a lot, i pick, scratch, and poke at everything on my body.

I don't know what to do, my therapist is actually worried. it sucks to hear validation of my feelings towards how i was treated. it makes more sense that people shy away from me now. i forget that this horrible shit, isn't a norm for people. the amount of abuse i endured is not something people generally have to deal with, and i forget people feel bad for people who were hurt, then i wonder why everyone is so distant with me.

 

[ghotiff]

i forget people feel bad for people who were hurt, then i wonder why everyone is so distant with me.

I know this feeling.

I have yet to let myself truly feel ... so you are ahead of me on this curve, but I understand the distance from "normals".

 

[intothelight]

@LiveLongandProsper Welcome to the forum!

It is tough when a person distances themselves from others and then starts to feel to handle the reaction of others. There isn't exactly a handbook on how to deal with this and conversely, many people don't know how to handle change especially in others.

Sometimes it is best not to worry too much about how other people are handling things and stay focused on yourself. If there are people you are close to and you are comfortable opening up to them, sometimes explaining the changes can help. I hope you find the information and support on this forum helpful to you.

 

[arfie]

I, too, dissociated from my feelings and memories for allot of years. Decades. I had the nettle to stand reactionless in the face of rape and violence. I wasn't going to give THEM the satisfaction of my hysteria. Letting down that delusion of invulnerability was far more painful than any act of illness or violence I had ever endured. It meant getting the full metal jacket of all those emotions over all those years all at once, including the ones I had repressed out of habit rather than necessity. Even the positive emotions, since I was far too uptight to let my guard down with those, either. I had repressed to the extent that I could not trust any emotion of any stripe. Emotional validation was painful for me, as well. My entire coping strategy was built on repression and invalidation.

Letting down those defenses was agony, but the kaleidoscope of human emotion I enjoy today was worth the price.

When I am at my fullest capacity, I can easily admit that my mind-reading skills truly suck. I honestly do not know what other people are thinking or why they do what they do unless they tell me. When I feel myself regressing, I still divert to guessing what other people are thinking and/or feeling, but I gently remind myself I no longer need that defense mechanism and it never worked that well to begin with. Gently. It was harsh brutality which landed me in this nightmare. Gentle validation is my stairway out. Small, gentle steps.

Gentle support while you sort through your own, @LiveLongandProsper. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Intrepid]

I wasn't going to give THEM the satisfaction of my hysteria.

i shake a lot, i grind my teeth a lot, i pick, scratch, and poke at everything on my body.

I remembering watching a documentary on the psychological effects of trench warfare in WW1. They filmed men with this awful physical twisting that was mesmerizing to watch. I could relate to that look of bafflement on their faces. My personal "hysteria" never got that bad, but it got bad enough.

So I can relate. Starting with getting the memories out is good, but for me there was more to do. I had to find a way to reduce the sense of threat of re-traumatization. Not an easy trick.

Anyway, welcome to the Forum. You'll find this is a good place to find people who you can relate to.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@LiveLongandProsper welcome to the forum. I, too, dissociated for decades until a huge chemical injury robbed me of my career and livelihood. It didn't have to happen, my boss simply didn't give a shit about our health and was illegally disposing of hazardous waste. It completely blew the lid off my mind and body. I finally HAD to fess up to my childhood abuse. I trembled for two years while repressed memories surfaced. Cutting, picking, teeth grinding, the whole gamut of dissociative coping.

I've been in therapy for 12 years and I still have to drag myself there. I wish I could just wake up and have no thoughts at all of violence and rape. But, I have made a lot of progress. I am isolated and feel "apart" from everyone around me. I have three close friends that know enough of my history to fill in the blanks. I have a yoga teacher and reiki master that are helping me to calm the somatic manifestations of PTSD.

I don't know what it is exactly, why I feel like I'm always planning my escape from any social situation I'm in. I feel trapped and dread the unknown. But, that, too has lessened with therapy. It's a good day if I just stay in the present and don't automatically time travel. I have a PTSD therapy dog who comes to work with me. She calms me, she knows the score.

I wish you the best on your journey. You will find comfort, have faith in that. Once you open up and let the debris out, life will be less daunting.

 

[ghotiff]

Gentle validation is my stairway out. Small, gentle steps.

I love this quote.

 

[LiveLongandProsper]

thank you everyone. thank you so much