Childhood Keep Getting Urge To Talk About Two Weird Memories

[purpleswirled]

He didn't do it every day.... so i don't think it can have been as bad as i am saying it is here. but when i am upset it feels devastating and i feel like something really bad did happen....like i said, i am oversensitive. the smallest thing bothers me... i dont understand why it hurts me or why i lived in fear of him because as my mum said "it wasn';t that bad. others had it worse."
I didn't like when he used to bring God into it though. oi am a believer but i feel an anger towards God because my father would tell me God told him i was exaggerating my CPTSD and that i didnt really have anythign wrong with me but a little self pity. he threatned my sister with a knife when she was ill with depression as a teenager because it would shame our family. compared to my sister i was lucky i guess but his comments still hurt.

 

[GwenDR]

The motives don't matter, Purple. Lots of abuse happens as an attempt to discipline children. It still counts. And lots of abusers are sweet and charming.

And lots of kids are difficult. I was difficult, and my son is difficult. My son doesn't "deserve" to be punished for being himself. Sometimes he needs direction or guidance, or yes, punishment, when he misbehaves, but it's not to discipline him, but to help him learn better behavior. I mean that the discipline isn't an end, in and of itself. It's not justice or retaliation, or something he deserves. It's a tool to help him be better.

Youre dad abused you, and blamed it on your being "difficult". So he made you responsible for your own abuse, and removed his own responsibility. But that was a lie. You weren't responsible, he was.

 

[purpleswirled]

Thanks for reading Gwen...it means a lot that someone cares enough to read it...yeah i am beginning to se that the second incident was sexual assault. what bothers me a little is that i had CPTSD symptoms way before this incident which suggests a much more severe and earlier trauma. i do remember a lot of violence in my home, just murky half memories age 2 or 3, of yelling, screaming, my mother';s fear. my sense of wanting to disappear, the sheer terror i felt. but all the concrete incidents had to be filled in by my sister. my sister doesnt lie or exaggerate. she is the type to downplay everything.
so si think these things must have happened. somehow...i am beginnign to suspect maybe my father really did do something (not saying it was sexual) becuas emy fear of being punished by him was so extreme and i would flinch if he went near me. couldn't hug him or tell him i loved him as i got older. all i would feel ids shame and dirt when he looked at me. even when he was nice to me, i was always fearing he would turn nasty again

 

[purpleswirled]

The motives don't matter, Purple. Lots of abuse happens as an attempt to discipline children. It s...

Thanks. i am beginning to think you are right but i felt i needed it confirmed. my best friend (a woman i met inmy 20s) is trained in counselling. she was the first person i ever really told about my dad- MH professionals guessed something had happened as apparently i had textbook symptoms of growing up in a violent home- i saqw their notes once by mistsake when they sent them to me to give to the new psych (i was moving to a different part of the country).
Well she believed ,me 100 per cent until one day when she spoke to my dad on the phone and he was so nice about me saying he was sorry about the past and he would do anything for me now, my friend told me "he isn't abusive anymore, if he ever was, so now you need to forgive and forget." When i tried to tell her it wasn;t that simple she told me she wasn't going to hear another word of it. she is nice as pie to the peop-le she counsels so it must be something about me that invites this

 

[Fadeaway]

I finally found this thread again, I have been searching for it for 2 days, but it was hard to find under your activity since you had posted quite a bit between the time I saw this right as I was going to bed, and the time I was awake enough the next day to respond.

You are minimizing your experiences. It might help in short term coping but these are things you need to process. In no way am I saying these things are minor because they aren't they are pretty big, but I know sometimes I focus on minor problems with a heavy intensity to distract myself into forgetting larger traumas.

Personally, I think your father IS the type who would sexually abuse you. Non pedophiles don't go around saying the things he did or act the way he did.

 

[Fadeaway]

Also, exams of children to see if they have been sexually abused can be as traumatic as sexual abuse, especially when children don't understand why or what is going on. Those exams are rarely recommended any more because they are incredibly unreliable and often can not pick up signs of abuse nor can the distinguish between certain kinds of abuse and medical issues.

 

[Marisea]

Hi Purple I think you have tried to see your abuse from everyone else's story. I am the same but I have learned people lie or the remember things to suit themselves. Both of your parents sound abusive to me. Given that your father threatened to put his fingers up your bottom and also that he threatened your sister with a knife are enough to deem him am abusive unsafe violent parent. Your mother sounds like an enabler. No wonder your are so confused as your are trying to fit everyone's reality into your poor little brain. Including your 'friend' the therapist. So many horrible betrays and injustices. Also it sounds that your current therapist who is so much like your mum, is causing you more pain. If she isn't able to work through your issues about reminding you of your mum I would find another therapist. That's me though I have leaned through hard and painful experience that all therapists are not created equally. It's time to stop second guessing yourself and work through whatever is in your mind. Regardless of whether you are allowed to think it is true. And I am not questioning the feelings and memories as being true. I totally believe you. The point is though these feelings, confusions and memories are make you ill so you have to deal with them. I always try and hold onto my therapists advise when I am doubting myself and driving myself crazy with billions of conflicting thoughts, "BACK YOURSELF'. Peace and light Pirple. I totally relate to your post.

 

[asadafagahajakal]

He got me to behave my screaming at me. he would tell me he would stick his fingers up my bum if...

Threatening to finger someone is sexual abuse. If I threatened you with that, even over the internet across the world, you could charge me for that.

Think of it like this. If I, some stranger, did what he did or said what he said, what would you do?

He didn't do it every day.... so i don't think it can have been as bad as i am saying it is here....

He doesn't know God. I just have to say that. You can be angry with him all you want, I've had my fair share of anger with our creator myself. But I can't see a just god telling your dad something ridiculous like that.

 

[katz]

any responses??????? please

There are lots of things from childhood that can affect us later in life. Don't feel bad because you can't seem to get past these. You have started moving forward just by writing about it. I hope it feels better to you just for telling us today. If you need to write it in a journal, then do that - also. You need to tell yourself that it is okay to feel like this.

I tried to tell also. And no one believed me. I also went to a Phy. for many, many years. I know that it did not "cure" me. But, as the years go on, I had to learn to believe myself. I also get glimpses of the past, some are not directly related to the abuse. They are just "things about me" that I suddenly noticed. Then I try to associate why I remembered them. Once I know where they came from, I can usually move past them. Not forget, just acknowledge them and put them in the past where they belong.

One way that I describe myself to other people is that I have a room where the floor is covered with papers. (the past). I tell them that I need to pickup each paper and read it, so that I can put it where it belongs, in my file cabinet. This makes me feel like I'm moving forward because I'm cleaning up my world. I know that if I need to go back to any of these "papers" in my file cabinet, I can. Or, I can just forget them because I know that I put them where " I " want them to be.

Keep up with the good work. Remember to believe in yourself - always. The best of luck to you.