singlegateunkept
New Here
I'm so glad I've found these forums. I want to first thank everyone for all the support here and the stories, it's been really helpful. I would love some advice on something I wrestle with all time:
My fiance has complex-ptsd from child abuse. We've been together for 6 years, but it wasn't until she was able to move away from home 3 years ago- when she was 23- that she was able to be out of the abuse. Even since then we have been contacted a few times by her abusive family member, including theft of money and harassment. The last weekend my fiance was with this abusive family member they made serious threats against her life- and had her make what were basically hostage phone calls to me- telling her to tell me everything was fine and not to worry- while telling her she would never see me, or anyone but this abusive family member- ever again. It took me and three friends to get her to safety.
In the time since she has begun to feel safe and work through a lot of her childhood. She has remembered a lot of things she did not allow herself to beforehand- for example she recently remembered that she also witnessed this family member abusing her elderly grandmother who lived with them and had progressive dementia. She has frequent flashbacks- some emotional and some with images and is triggered by a variety of things. She sometimes leaves a conversation without warning- we'll be talking and then she's suddenly not talking to me- she's rehashing an old argument with her abuser. She does often does not where she is when this happens. Her inner self critic is incredibly harsh and convinces her frequently that i'll leave, that we'll be homeless, that she deserves both of those things and worse- and so on. When she is really in a spiral/triggered state she will harm herself- hitting herself in the head with her hand or pulling on her skin.
She is working through it all amazingly. She is keeping a journal of everything she remembers and what triggers things. She has begun seeing a therapist. She has held a full time job for over a year. She is learning her triggers and when she comes back- she doesn't always remember what she said or where she was- but she always wants to talk it through. We've both been doing a lot of research on PTSD. I have depression myself, and some PSTD of my own- although not to nearly the same extent. I'm also currently a social worker and getting my masters in counseling at the moment- so it's been helpful that we can identify things with research. It's been helpful for her to know she isn't "crazy" that all this has a cause. And most of the time, the vast majority of the time, we're happy- she is recovering and our relationship is solid and we have fun and make dinner and go see friends and volunteer together and watch netflix and take walks and plan vacations and build ikea furniture. Our every day is incredibly normal in the best way.
But my question and problem is this- I always want to protect her from things, from anything that could cause stress. I want to protect her from bills and troubles at work and upsetting conversations with my own family and whatever else. I just want to solve the problems so it's one less thing she needs to be scared about. But then I feel like i'm saying she can't handle it, like i'm sheltering her and keeping things from here, which is not healthy or respectful to her. I know it's not. But it's- like recently a credit card payment did not process right from my bank. I had to sort it out and pay a late fee. She has a lot of money related fears, a lot of them from the time her former abuser drained an account she had stole from her. If I had told her she would have spiraled into that the bank account probably didn't work because it was frozen because her old abuser took out a credit card in her name and ran it up and then they connected to the debt to us and pulled it and now it's frozen and we're going to have live on no money because we can't get our paychecks so we'll probably lose the apartment and have to live on the street. I can hear it so clearly, this is how she has reacted to similar things, crying in panic. So if I can save her that and just handle it, if I can protect her from that stress, I do. But then I feel terrible because i don't want to keep things from her or treat her like a child. If I can make something go away without her needing to have that panic and cry- that's good, right? But I struggle and I debate because I feel like I'm not respecting her and I feel like this implies I think she can't handle things. I'm trying to save her stress and triggers- but am I not doing her any favors?
It's a struggle I have. She's been hurt so much- and I think because in our case I did think I was going to lose her at the hands of her abuser- I'm probably a little overprotective. But she's a grown, capable, brilliant woman. She's actually probably better at money and related life skills than I am. So. And I don't want it to sound like our relationship is unbalanced or I swooped and saved her and now I see her as fragile or something- I feel in love the best friend I've ever had when we were in college. We're still best friends.
I guess I'm just looking for some advice and guidance. I just never know what the best approach is when it comes to these things.
My fiance has complex-ptsd from child abuse. We've been together for 6 years, but it wasn't until she was able to move away from home 3 years ago- when she was 23- that she was able to be out of the abuse. Even since then we have been contacted a few times by her abusive family member, including theft of money and harassment. The last weekend my fiance was with this abusive family member they made serious threats against her life- and had her make what were basically hostage phone calls to me- telling her to tell me everything was fine and not to worry- while telling her she would never see me, or anyone but this abusive family member- ever again. It took me and three friends to get her to safety.
In the time since she has begun to feel safe and work through a lot of her childhood. She has remembered a lot of things she did not allow herself to beforehand- for example she recently remembered that she also witnessed this family member abusing her elderly grandmother who lived with them and had progressive dementia. She has frequent flashbacks- some emotional and some with images and is triggered by a variety of things. She sometimes leaves a conversation without warning- we'll be talking and then she's suddenly not talking to me- she's rehashing an old argument with her abuser. She does often does not where she is when this happens. Her inner self critic is incredibly harsh and convinces her frequently that i'll leave, that we'll be homeless, that she deserves both of those things and worse- and so on. When she is really in a spiral/triggered state she will harm herself- hitting herself in the head with her hand or pulling on her skin.
She is working through it all amazingly. She is keeping a journal of everything she remembers and what triggers things. She has begun seeing a therapist. She has held a full time job for over a year. She is learning her triggers and when she comes back- she doesn't always remember what she said or where she was- but she always wants to talk it through. We've both been doing a lot of research on PTSD. I have depression myself, and some PSTD of my own- although not to nearly the same extent. I'm also currently a social worker and getting my masters in counseling at the moment- so it's been helpful that we can identify things with research. It's been helpful for her to know she isn't "crazy" that all this has a cause. And most of the time, the vast majority of the time, we're happy- she is recovering and our relationship is solid and we have fun and make dinner and go see friends and volunteer together and watch netflix and take walks and plan vacations and build ikea furniture. Our every day is incredibly normal in the best way.
But my question and problem is this- I always want to protect her from things, from anything that could cause stress. I want to protect her from bills and troubles at work and upsetting conversations with my own family and whatever else. I just want to solve the problems so it's one less thing she needs to be scared about. But then I feel like i'm saying she can't handle it, like i'm sheltering her and keeping things from here, which is not healthy or respectful to her. I know it's not. But it's- like recently a credit card payment did not process right from my bank. I had to sort it out and pay a late fee. She has a lot of money related fears, a lot of them from the time her former abuser drained an account she had stole from her. If I had told her she would have spiraled into that the bank account probably didn't work because it was frozen because her old abuser took out a credit card in her name and ran it up and then they connected to the debt to us and pulled it and now it's frozen and we're going to have live on no money because we can't get our paychecks so we'll probably lose the apartment and have to live on the street. I can hear it so clearly, this is how she has reacted to similar things, crying in panic. So if I can save her that and just handle it, if I can protect her from that stress, I do. But then I feel terrible because i don't want to keep things from her or treat her like a child. If I can make something go away without her needing to have that panic and cry- that's good, right? But I struggle and I debate because I feel like I'm not respecting her and I feel like this implies I think she can't handle things. I'm trying to save her stress and triggers- but am I not doing her any favors?
It's a struggle I have. She's been hurt so much- and I think because in our case I did think I was going to lose her at the hands of her abuser- I'm probably a little overprotective. But she's a grown, capable, brilliant woman. She's actually probably better at money and related life skills than I am. So. And I don't want it to sound like our relationship is unbalanced or I swooped and saved her and now I see her as fragile or something- I feel in love the best friend I've ever had when we were in college. We're still best friends.
I guess I'm just looking for some advice and guidance. I just never know what the best approach is when it comes to these things.
