Kia Ora From New Zealand

[resourcefulkiwis]

I did a quick skim through some other threads to get a feel for what I thought I could write without sounding silly. To be honest I don't want to go into why I have PTSD just accept that I have it and I absolutely totally hate it. Scarily so at times.

I am feel fortunate that I can feel, challenged that I feel so much and pissed off at times that I cannot for the life of me control what I feel. Usually it's anger.

Throughout my life I have learnt and firmly believe that anger can be a motivating emotion and I have in my pre-ptsd state used it to give me courage, balls:), energy and a miriad of other tools that I may have needed at the time.

Now...Sucky Moto. I am aware that for me my anger hides? covers? shields? Masks? my true feeling at that time and usually its a mixture of hurt, helplessness and dispair.

Dispair is not an emotion I enjoy nor an emotion I like for the simple fact that it stinks of loss and reminds me of my present state. I say present because I am forever hopeful that one day I will understand more about whats going on for me and use it to work for me and not against me.

And sometimes it's just about getting through the day anyway I can in the best way I can. So here I am reaching out thousands of miles across land and sea searching for.... What I am not sure but well here I am.

 

[blindcynic]

I know the feeling of searching, reaching out across empty planes. Lately the anger is just a shield of energy to hide the truth. Even as I despair, I want and hope for a healthy future.

Hi, I'm Kris. I live in Texas. I just happened across your post. I'm new to this site too. The articles are helpful and everyone has been very welcoming.

 

[Sammy]

Welcome to both of you. I am also new here but I have found this site to be very helpful.

Anger... oh I wish I could manage my anger better. For me, I think I get angry when I think I am losing something, when I am actually feeling something I don't want to feel (fear, anxiety). I have burned so many bridges because I get angry. The problem is, when I am in that angry state, I am not thinking clearly. I jump to conclusions (usually the ones at the very worst end of the spectrum and nearly always wrong), I get defensive, and I always end up feeling even worse. I wish I had a nickel for over hurt feeling I have caused. Then, following the anger is depression and often a sadness over my "conclusions" - that are all wrong in the first place! Eventually, I end up apologizing and if the person is forgiving enough, we continue on. But never the same. How often should I expect them to put their hand into the fire?

No one enjoys despair! I have spent more days than I want to admit fighting to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The urge to crawl into a corner and not come out can be overwhelming. My greatest fear is I will do it and never come out again. I hold to hope that one day I will be able to leave my dragon (PTSD) behind and be able to allow myself to love and feel safe.

As each new memory finds me, with each day of tears and hurt, I hope I move closer to stability.

PTSD stinks. But, I have to believe I can conquer (or at least control) it. For now, I am mostly trying to understand it. I have a wonderful counselor with much experience with trauma victims. He gives me hope. I have good friends who can see past the PTSD and can see me when I cannot. PTSD is not me. It is something I deal with.

Anyway, welcome to the site. There are lots of very kind and understanding people here. Explore the site - read some threads and I think you will find a lot of information and a lot of people who "get it."

Hope to you.

Sammy :hello:

 

[Aggie]

Hi, I'm pretty new here and it's quite awkward talking about it. What I hate is that much of the time I'm pretty much ok, then a certain facial expression or a touch can bring an extreme anxiety or anger. I'm better at seeing it coming, but still gets me. I can go weeks or months thinking I've conquered it.

 

[Sammy]

Aggie,

Isn't that the worst? Thinking we are fine and we are under control and then something stupid happens and it all comes racing back!?! I hate it! Someone says something and I become this awful person. It is not OK. I will get better about preventing that. I am tired of apologizing. Oh well. Keep at it!

 

[Aggie]

Isn't That The Worst?

Pretty much yes it is. Hate it. I have learned to be better at recognizing triggers, but the better I am, when it does happen the reactions are stronger mentally....I mean I'm better outwardly, but inwardly raging.

 

[Sammy]

It is the anger that I really dislike. The anger and being certain I have been betrayed. When I am calmer again, I know the anger should be directed elsewhere, but it seems it is going in the wring direction all the time. I get tired of apologizing and explaining.

But, I am determined to not let the PTSD ruin all my friendships. My abusers do not get to take away them, too.

Hang in there.

Hope.

Sammy

 

[emmieb]

Sammy, I thought I was reading about myself.....crazy.

 

[Sammy]

The world of PTSD. Aren't we lucky to be in it? HA.

I am trying to let myself feel what I feel and take some time before I respond. Once I calm down, rattle off some "I will be OK. I will not destroy this friendship. I am not thinking clearly and so I am not listening, etc," comments to myself and give myself the time I need to think clearly. My first reaction is almost always to assume the worst. Get angry. Read all kinds of craziness into something. I have to make myself stop and give myself time to feel whatever I am feeling and when I am calm, think more rationally.

I know my anger should have been expressed towards the trauma. But, I can't do that - I have not seen the people in decades and I do not know where they are in their own emotional growth. I refuse to be them and cause damage in return. Although, it is tempting, it doesn't make me the better person. Revenge is never really helpful. I am trying to feel what I feel but not get stuck in it. Breathe deeply, don't open my mouth or start typing an email (or type the email but don't send it. I have learned to never put in an address until I have had time to think clearly. Guess how I learned that... ) until I am calm, etc. I guess that is a step forward. I used to just blast people and then be angry because I didn't have any friends. Hmm... can you blame them?

Anyway, I am having some serious anxiety going on because of some changes that are happening in my life. Writing this helped.

"I will be OK. I will be OK. I will be OK..."
:crazy: