willhealeventually
Silver Member
My therapist asked me to write a letter to my soon to be ex, which I wouldn’t actually send.
We’ve been separated for 2 yrs and have barely communicated, occasionally texting about child logistics.
During our separation, I was diagnosed with PTSD, but he doesn’t know. Nor does he care.
I, however, have been really suffering with the thoughts that his accusations of me being a narcissistic demon (paraphrased) are true. I now know I reacted to him from ptsd on some occasions, but not all. I don’t know to what degree I am broken and unlovable.
Here is my letter:
“I am sorry that I was so disappointed in you after only a few years of our marriage.
Even though we were together and laughed together, I felt alone. I felt like I had to carry everything and everyone on my shoulders. I was alone.
So, why am I sorry? Because I know that my disappointment translated to pulling away and attacking you. The things I said to you and the lack of affection toward you must have felt isolating and even brutal.
I envisioned a marriage to be for equals, participating together in a way that supported one another’s well-being. But, over time, I felt like whatever I was carrying was too much for me and that was never going to end.
I tried all possible ways to explain to you that I was falling apart at the strain. However, you just convinced yourself that you were already doing so much. I worked several jobs at times to make ends meet, I got to the point of sleeping just so I could work. You never offered to get another job to help me. You also kept repeating to me that you were afraid to work and had anxiety attacks.
Eventually running your own successful business was your only way to help offload me from overworking. I paid for your schooling, paid off most of your edu loans from college, paid for your equipment, and tried to help you clear your obstacles. You set yourself up to fail, and I watched you fail and hate yourself. You barely worked throughout our marriage.
When I began to break down mentally, you told me you were going to leave me. No, none of us knew why I was breaking down. And even the doctors didn’t diagnose me correctly.
I didn’t realize when I married you that you wouldn’t really be able to respond to anything truly challenging - finding out what was wrong and supporting me during the recovery.
I asked you for a divorce because I knew you had stopped loving me long ago and were dreaming of a way out. You could not initiate the obvious, but continue to be passive aggressive.
Looking at you now, I see that you are truly happy when others provide you with shelter, comfort, sex, and affection. But I think you will quickly become unhappy if you have to deal with any hardship again.
I feel sad that I chose you as a partner. I feel sad that I persisted in a relationship that was never going to give me what I needed in return. And I had no idea.
I’m sorry I didn’t break it off sooner and continued to try to push you in the direction you never wanted to go.
I felt increasingly unsafe in our marriage and in life, and I began to feel like I wanted to die. You watched me get to that point without offering to help. At times I was sure I was going to either die or take my own life and you propped up my pillows.
I wanted you to understand me, but you just kept urging me to find higher paying jobs.
I didn’t want to be close to you physically because it felt like yet another way you used me for your benefit.
I felt used by you. You became repulsive to me. While you executed your passive-aggressive maneuvers, I was just blunt and aggressive.
To top it all off, you verbally abused my son. I jumped to his defense always.
I am sorry it had to get so bad before I finally called an end to it.
At this time you are also threatening my survival by going after my assets - that I worked for. It’s still not over and may result in another uprooting of my life. I don’t know how much more I can handle. I know I said cruel things to you at times. I don’t know how much of our breakdown was me, and how much was us just being incompatible from the start and for over a decade. I want to own my part and also not feel like I am a waste.”
We’ve been separated for 2 yrs and have barely communicated, occasionally texting about child logistics.
During our separation, I was diagnosed with PTSD, but he doesn’t know. Nor does he care.
I, however, have been really suffering with the thoughts that his accusations of me being a narcissistic demon (paraphrased) are true. I now know I reacted to him from ptsd on some occasions, but not all. I don’t know to what degree I am broken and unlovable.
Here is my letter:
“I am sorry that I was so disappointed in you after only a few years of our marriage.
Even though we were together and laughed together, I felt alone. I felt like I had to carry everything and everyone on my shoulders. I was alone.
So, why am I sorry? Because I know that my disappointment translated to pulling away and attacking you. The things I said to you and the lack of affection toward you must have felt isolating and even brutal.
I envisioned a marriage to be for equals, participating together in a way that supported one another’s well-being. But, over time, I felt like whatever I was carrying was too much for me and that was never going to end.
I tried all possible ways to explain to you that I was falling apart at the strain. However, you just convinced yourself that you were already doing so much. I worked several jobs at times to make ends meet, I got to the point of sleeping just so I could work. You never offered to get another job to help me. You also kept repeating to me that you were afraid to work and had anxiety attacks.
Eventually running your own successful business was your only way to help offload me from overworking. I paid for your schooling, paid off most of your edu loans from college, paid for your equipment, and tried to help you clear your obstacles. You set yourself up to fail, and I watched you fail and hate yourself. You barely worked throughout our marriage.
When I began to break down mentally, you told me you were going to leave me. No, none of us knew why I was breaking down. And even the doctors didn’t diagnose me correctly.
I didn’t realize when I married you that you wouldn’t really be able to respond to anything truly challenging - finding out what was wrong and supporting me during the recovery.
I asked you for a divorce because I knew you had stopped loving me long ago and were dreaming of a way out. You could not initiate the obvious, but continue to be passive aggressive.
Looking at you now, I see that you are truly happy when others provide you with shelter, comfort, sex, and affection. But I think you will quickly become unhappy if you have to deal with any hardship again.
I feel sad that I chose you as a partner. I feel sad that I persisted in a relationship that was never going to give me what I needed in return. And I had no idea.
I’m sorry I didn’t break it off sooner and continued to try to push you in the direction you never wanted to go.
I felt increasingly unsafe in our marriage and in life, and I began to feel like I wanted to die. You watched me get to that point without offering to help. At times I was sure I was going to either die or take my own life and you propped up my pillows.
I wanted you to understand me, but you just kept urging me to find higher paying jobs.
I didn’t want to be close to you physically because it felt like yet another way you used me for your benefit.
I felt used by you. You became repulsive to me. While you executed your passive-aggressive maneuvers, I was just blunt and aggressive.
To top it all off, you verbally abused my son. I jumped to his defense always.
I am sorry it had to get so bad before I finally called an end to it.
At this time you are also threatening my survival by going after my assets - that I worked for. It’s still not over and may result in another uprooting of my life. I don’t know how much more I can handle. I know I said cruel things to you at times. I don’t know how much of our breakdown was me, and how much was us just being incompatible from the start and for over a decade. I want to own my part and also not feel like I am a waste.”
