General Kids With Ptsd?

[PTSDMama]

Thanks, Eleanor. You are, of course, right. But I'm being a big baby at the moment. I'm tired of fighting. I'm sad that we're back at what feels like square one (it's not). We can still see improvement over where we were a year or two ago. But I've got a boy who is angry that his daddy is working and angry that his daddy is at school. That means that he is acting out in every way we've ever seen, and also some new ones. He's trying to hurt me again, and he's stronger. He's calling me names, he's getting in trouble with other authority figures, he doesn't seem to be engaged in any activity except art or taekwondo.

I feel so powerless right now. I have run out of creativity and enthusiasm to do what I need to do for him, and have run out of it very quickly. I'm tired of not knowing what to do and seeing others who seem to know what to do for their hurting children. I feel like I should have some instincts or something...but I don't.

My husband started work and will have benefits, so we can start with another therapist where we live. We just have to hold on until January. In the meantime, I'm having heart palpitations because I can't handle my son. I don't want to see him, hear him...have anything to do with him. That breaks my heart, because I know he's hurting and he needs me. So I push through. But I don't know how much longer I can do that. Luckily, I have a splendid sister-in-law who understands and is willing to help out and is home during the day when my husband isn't. But she has two young kids who she has to protect from my son's outbursts and violence.

I just watched a video at empoweredtoconnect.org. Usually those videos help and motivate me to continue. But this one talked about a new normal where we may always have to parent in a therapeutic way. When we went through training to become adoptive parents, that seemed okay with me. I was totally on board and could see how I could be that kind of parent. I don't know what's changed. But I no longer feel like I can do that.

My husband is great about giving me breaks when possible, and we have good family support here. It's not as if I don't get any help. I don't know what my problem is.

I've got to go get this boy (who is now being very sweet) in bed. Thanks for reading.

 

[Eleanor]

Big hugs PTSDMama.:hug: Take special time to be really good to yourself...

It is so hard when you are so tired and have dug past all the way down. And then the come at you again. And again. It just seem... It just IS so blasted unfair. AND you do deserve a break, and not to get hit, and not to be scared, and to see the progress you already made. AND And and. Fair, however, has little to nothing to do with it.

The thought that occurs to me (For what it's worth) You need to start getting good at a marshal art (I'd suggest Aikido) really fast. This might need to be your "mission" for yourself and your family - because your boy is not going to stop growing, and he is going to go round this loop another time or five. Growing up is hard and stressful. And you are safe. (You've done that job extremely well!) You need NEED to be able to deflect his attacks without getting either of you hurt. If he hurts himself, that's on him.

There is no way to really "get" what we signed up for with PTSD loved ones...:(

Supporting you in spirit...

 

[PTSDMama]

I don't know what just happened. My husband, J, was sending me off to go grocery shopping (which I love to do) by myself, and he was going to hold down the fort. C was in his room for punishment and I asked J to connect with him and do some daddy/son stuff while I was gone. I get in the shower, come out, ready to go. C says, I want you daddy...and J says, you're in there until mommy comes back.

WHAT?! I asked J to come into the next room with me, and whisper to him...I thought you were going to connect with him while I was gone. He says, I need to study and I told you I would do it sometime today. Noooo, that was not the agreement. But I can accept it was a miscommunication. We both are raw. But then he says, well, I need to study and I can't be doing all this. I explain to him that it was my understanding that the morning was going to be family time then he could leave by noon-ish to go study.

He tells me nevermind, I'll go be with him. So now I'm the bad guy, even though it was J's idea for me to leave for a bit. I'm not going, neither one of them will eat, and now they're going gangbusters on some puzzles. Great. As soon as J leaves we'll be back to square one. And he's telling me to go if I need to go...but I don't want him to blame me later for not having been able to study enough.

I'm sure I'm not making any sense but I've got to get this out. I hate feeling like things are so dark...I know what to do and how to possibly get results, I just don't have the energy for it. We're supposed to go for a play date in a bit with my sister-in-law and her kids...and she's so great. But I don't know what I'll do if he is horrible with her kids again. I can't bear to be at home with him alone.

Bright side - I talked to his Taekwondo master, who gave me his cell phone # and has been texting me. He's going to talk with C tonight, and told me last night..."you know, sweetie, I know he's not a bad boy, he's just hurting, and needs help with not doing those things he's doing." So blessed to have people like this in my life!

Eleanor, thanks so much for always being here and "listening".

 

[PTSDMama]

Here I am again...I keep posting in hopes that it will help me to get some of this out while we're waiting for J's benefits to kick in and we can get some therapy. I've been up since 4am with C. From the moment we wake up until he goes to bed, it's a constant teeter-totter of emotions and violence from him. I'm coming off of strep throat and am exhausted. J feels like he's getting sick, and he's exhausted. He's in crunch time with school and feels badly for not being able to be with us more.

I don't like this child. I can't stand the sight of him. I'm sure I've been there before but it sounds so horrible coming from a mother. What's wrong with me? I look around at other adoptive moms who are pushing through the pain and still loving their children. I see them working so hard with them because they love them. I have no fight or desire left to do so.

What do you do when the desire to be with them is gone? I know I don't want to do anything to hurt him and try not to show these feelings on the outside. I guess I'll keep faking it.

 

[Eleanor]

Fake it til you make it. And don't discount the emotional exhaustion. It is hard (HA!) to feel warm and cuddly toward something that is all teeth and claws. What you want now is not love (which likely wouldn't help much) but Constancy. Set your limits. Enforce them. Do your best not to guilt yourself for not "feeling" love toward him. There is GREAT value in "going through the motions." I have far less to deal with than you, and sometimes my overwhelming feeling about L (and H!) is "Just leave me the **ll alone!" I Just Don't Want Them. This is called "needing a break." You, my dear, "Desperately Need A Break."

Don't compare yourself to others - first, they likely don't have the same struggle and second they are almost certainly not telling the truth about how they feel. Everyone puts a good face on things. If you met me at L's school or at my work or anything - you might think I looked tired now and then, but you'd have NO CLUE all the crap that has gone on or the depth of my own struggles. Yes, I am just that good an actress. And I am not alone.

Say all the rotten things you think/feel here. It is safe, and you need to get it expressed. We won't hold it against you, however shocking it is. It will not last forever. Maybe you'd feel better venting in a supporter diary? Here is fine too - I just thought I'd suggest it, because a diary is more "yours" to do with what you want, and venting is a very very good use of them... I says as knows...

 

[PTSDMama]

I've wondered about the diaries and wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do. Maybe I'll try that. I don't do well with writing out my thoughts in a pen and paper journal, and I thought about blogging but sometimes my feelings are too raw and I fear someone will read it and judge. But I also want feedback and so I haven't started a private online journal either. So this diary here might do the trick.

I always feel so foolish after a day like yesterday. In fact, by later in the afternoon, things were splendid and lovely. And today, more great stuff happening. Things don't seem nearly as dark as they did.

I feel guilty for needing more of a break than what I get. He goes to classes once a week for 5 hours, for which I'm grateful. I use that time for me time. Sometimes it's cleaning, which is therapeutic for me, sometimes it's reading...grocery shopping...whatever feels like what I need at the time. And I take mental breaks while he's in taekwondo, even though I'm there physically. And J gives me breaks whenever I can. So I feel like I shouldn't complain or feel this badly at times. Even though I would tell someone else that they shouldn't feel guilty about that. You know how that goes.

 

[Tootilla]

I'm still working against my X( and the family court system)on getting my son diagnosed and into therapy but I think the best medicene is love. I have PTSD so that is based in by own experience. It's seems that if you just love them, and listen and don't judge;just be honest that everything seems to work out. I hope that helps.xoxo

 

[Eleanor]

I can't do pen and paper either, and the feedback is nice. That sounds like pretty minimal "me" time to me, and you are still "on" nights. My H decided that I was going to get Friday afternoons and nights to myself - so he comes up and gets L from school, and stays up here with her while I get the whole H2 (town) house blissfully to myself. Then sometime Sat I go up or they come down and we have family time the rest of the weekend. Mostly I'm not up to anything other than getting takeout (or frozen Trader Joe's) and watching tv on the computer (NCIS! Burn Notice!) It is an actual rest because there is nothing I have to do from about 3 PM Friday on... No guilt Phoenix. You have more to "recover" from than most, and less actual down time than most as well. Not a good combination.

I'm glad things are looking up. With learning the real "fall apart" pretty often comes right before they put the new stuff all together. So I hope that this is the start of the next step up the developmental ladder.

You can start your diary right next to mine.:hug:

 

[PTSDMama]

I'm reading and re-reading The Connected Child, which is such a great tool for me to use to remember where he comes from and what I need to do. I got out today with my wonderful sister-in-law, and we let the kids play together. It went great for the most part but still ended with him hurting his cousins and trying to hurt me. I was having such a lovely time with my sister-in-law that I didn't pay attention to my instincts, which told me it was time to go about 10 minutes before the meltdown. :facepalm:

So thankful for my understanding, loving, sister-in-law who is in this with us! She loves on C so much and teaches her kids and C how to be family.

He does seem to have more of these when he's growing, either physically or mentally. So I'm hoping with you that this is the start to some advances.