If you’re hitting rock bottom, what do you have to lose? You could try something that really turns your life around and makes a huge difference.
The only thing that has kept me alive through some very heavy suicidal periods has been medication.
I'm not thrilled with it. It doesn't lift my mood at all, it just keeps the bottom from completely bottoming out. Many of the drugs that will do that when things are very very bad - they have side affects that I don't like, don't want to live with or tolerate. And I end up feeling very angry that I'm taking this medication and it's just keeping me alive, but it's no kind of life.
What I do truly believe, though, is that if that's what it takes to give myself even a shred of a chance, then it's better than not trying at all. I don't want to give up - it's just every single thing in my brain telling me that giving up is all that's left.
You talked about this in an earlier post, wondering if you can listen to that voice.
Best advice I've got for that is: you have to accept that your assessment of your current reality is incredibly f*cked up. When depression is very bad, it makes it hard to have a thought that isn't just riddled with depression.
I know how stubborn I am about the things I'm NOT willing to try. And I think about those things alot.
Stronger drugs
ECT
I really do understand not wanting to get into the drugs and the hospitals again.
If you're not concerned about metabolic changes or weight gain, I'd really suggest you look into Abilify, Lamictal, and Lithium. You'd not take all of them together - they are just three of the strongest and most effective depression regulators. I've taken the first two, and they did both make the bottom less horrible. And still, I feel like I'd rather die than take them again. So I don't want to be a hypocrite here.
But if I were on the edge of accomplishing suicide or trying those things again, I've GOT to consider trying the things. I can always learn that they don't work and then go back to the planning. But executing a plan without trying is taking an opportunity off the table, the chance to find a liveable life.
ECT would probably help. It helps many, many people. I'm simply too afraid. But it's what I think about, every day, now. I'm terrified of how my trauma history would make the process more terrifying, I don't have any human support at all (which is terrifying), and the potential of damage to my mental function is also terrifying. I'm not using that word lightly at all. It's a fear that paralyzes me.
Still - I know I don't have any good reason for why I'd kill myself before trying something that could not only relieve this horrible pressure, the pressure to stop this charade of being alive - but could also actually lift my mood, not just slap a band-aid on it.
If you can do one thing, and one thing only - to cope - let it be to accept the truth that your thoughts are ill. This is an illness. That's not an excuse, it's just a fact. It's the fact that means - the desire to die is not a real one. Even though it seems like it is. It's just not.
