Kinds Of Flashbacks?

[hollyberrytea]

I can say the same, that I have lapse of memory sometimes, but not for long. Usually a couple minutes. And they don't happen a lot, I don't think. But I don't think I'm having a flashback. I think it's me just spacing out.

I'll be driving and space out and then come back to reality and be like OMG HOW DID I GET HERE ALREADY.. I DON'T REMEMBER.. and then I worry if I like killed someone on the way. Hahah. >__< (But I think my auto-pilot is good.) Same happens in conversations, never very long, but I can't remember a thing I said a second ago, and I feel like an idiot asking. Hahaha.

As far as the 'spacing out' is concerned, I experience that quite often as well, especially when I'm out somewhere.

Yeah, it mainly happens when I go out. Lately I've been like really on edge when I go out (a lot worse than usual); that sense of impending doom. I heard somewhere therapy makes it worse before it gets better? I think it might be that, but I don't know. Things have been getting a little worse recently, I've been to therapy for a little over a month now. But I feel so horribly anxious lately.

Sometimes I feel TOO in touch with the world and my own body; my own heartbeat freaks me out sometimes(impending doom sense). And other times I'm not there at all (auto-pilot).

 

[LittleGirlLost]

Imagine, if you will, a wound...or a lifetime of wounds. They're never properly healed and they fester and there's a lot of damaging scar tissue and it's very, very gross. You are debilitated and in constant pain. So you go to a doctor and the doctor says he or she can most definitely help improve your quality of life, but first...the two of you are going to have to carefully remove all that scar tissue and open up all the wounds and remove the shrapnel and bullets and dirt and glass and then clean it out with a disinfectant. Only then can all those wounds be stitched up and bandaged over and cared for the way they always should have been cared for from the beginning. Obviously that's going to be a pretty painful process, but in the end, you'll feel better. Theoretically.

The difference between that analogy and the reality of this situation, of course, is that there are really great pain killers and anesthetics for physical pain and physical surgery and people are much more willing to excuse your bedridden behavior when they can see the damage with their own eyes. We have SSRIs and half-hearted attempts to explain for the thousandth time what it is we're dealing and why without going into too much detail.

Anyway, the point is that, yes, it's going to get worse before it gets better. But it's also not the kind of thing where it'll be worse for a while and then only get better after that. It's going to come in phases. You're going to make huge leaps forward and then feel become a giant wreck for a few weeks because your system is freaking out. Or you're going to make tiny baby step progress and be totally frustrated because you feel like you should be further along. It is one of my least favorite words in the English language; it is...a process.

And it's not a process that happens in a vacuum. It's a process that happens while your life is going on and things are happening to you and around you that you might not be able to control. So it's a process whose progress is aided or impeded at any given time by the world at large. (For instance, I was doing really really well and then I had a panic attack when North Korea threatened to nuke the US and one of the news organizations showed what a North Korean nuke would do to downtown Manhattan, near where I live.)

And it's a process that we're all going through, so that's important to remember. I have a lot of really great friends with a myriad of other issues from their childhoods and we're all in therapy for different reasons and we take care of each other...but I'm the only one with PTSD. And it makes me feel very alone sometimes. But this place exists. And here we're all going through the process.

What's been really helping me with depression, anxiety, and PTSD is knowledge. Knowledge is power. I suggest you read books about trauma and depression and anxiety and PTSD and look up articles on the internet and read posts here. Don't obsess, but educate yourself. The more I know about what's going on with me, the easier it is for me to overcome it or calm it down.

But most importantly, be kind to yourself. Be patient. Be loving. Be understanding. Take care of yourself.

/diatribe

 

[MoodElevator]

The 'spacing out' is called dissociation I do believe...? I've come to simply accept it as part of who I am. The frequency has gradually diminished a fair amount but it's not very hard to cope with personally as I honestly can't remember a time when it wasn't happening on a regular basis. You and the pedestrians in your neighbourhood are very fortunate that your auto-pilot is also a good driver. :P



It's awful that you're feeling such a high degree of anxiety so often lately. :( Sounds like your feeling of 'impending doom' might be what is called hypervigilance? My 'impending doom' was like tense paranoid discomfort coupled with an adrenaline rush sort of feeling very often when I would be walking somewhere on my own. It's like whereever you go you feel like you have to fight for your life just to get there. That's what it's like for me anyways. I am happy to say that I no longer have this problem as much when I go out walking alone or on transit. However I still avoid going anywhere downtown alone at night. It's been years since I showed up to any of my friends shows. You however may be experiencing something different. I really don't know. I'm new to this whole talking to others with ptsd about ptsd thing.

It seems to me like our mind sort of gives us a break from the intesnsity of being 'on edge' by putting us on 'auto-pilot' sometimes hunh?

Therapy I think works differently for a lot of people. There are also some approaches that may work better for some than others. It can be a gets worse before it gets better sorta thing for some and not for others. I'm definately part of that 'some'. It got pretty difficult facing the monsters that had been chasing me for so long I must admit. But in the long run it's always worth it no matter how hard it seems sometimes. It's darkest before the dawn. I've had five years of therapy with my current guy. Before that I'd only ever been with quick fix pill pushing health care covered psychiatrists (I'm canadian). It took me at least half a year to begin to really trust my therapist btw. Is this the first therapist you've ever had?

I think of dealing with these things as being comparible to trying to eat a large piece of dry salami or proscuitto or something similar: If you try to just bite into it you'll break all your teeth but if you use an insustrial cutting wheel you can slowly cut off tiny paper thin edible slices and gradually eat the whole damn thing. But not in one sitting because you'll get a stomach ache. However some days it won't be very tasty, other days you simply can't eat any. Just thinking about this comparison is starting to feel kinda gross. Sorry to the vegitables reading this I don't know how the analogy could be altered to fit. Anyways, point being: baby steps are your only real choice. They'll get you to where you want to be... eventually.

 

[MoodElevator]

Wow Little, your analogy is awesome and vivid and entirely what I was trying to say. Sorry to hear that shocker 'news report' caught you off guard and caused a panic attack.

P.S. I also detest the P word.

 

[hollyberrytea]

What's been really helping me with depression, anxiety, and PTSD is knowledge. Knowledge is power. I suggest you read books about trauma and depression and anxiety and PTSD and look up articles on the internet and read posts here. Don't obsess, but educate yourself. The more I know about what's going on with me, the easier it is for me to overcome it or calm it down.

I agree.. My older sister obsesses.. and it's hurting her a lot more than she thinks. It's literally all she can think about. How to fix the family, how to do this, which drug will do that. It's her whole life. She's 25, she should be where she is and try to enjoy life.

 

[hollyberrytea]

It's like whereever you go you feel like you have to fight for your life just to get there.

Story of my life. Haha. I don't like going out by myself either. I go out late because that's when everyone socializes (always by car though). On the way there, say 8-11PM. The drive is fine, I feel okay. The drive back however.. 2-4AM generally scares me. It's like a dead world and I feel like something will just jump out at me. Generally the last time I'm on auto-pilot. Almost had a pretty back anxiety attack on the way to a friend's house the other day. (Mainly from the idea of socialization, which is rather new. I think of socialization as a distraction and it helps ease my symptoms.)

It seems to me like our mind sort of gives us a break from the intesnsity of being 'on edge' by putting us on 'auto-pilot' sometimes hunh?

Very much agree. Such extremes. Wish I could just lie in the middle and feel more secure about the world like other people. >__<

Is this the first therapist you've ever had?

This is my first therapist. However, since my sister has been educating me on everything she knows (cause she obsesses over it), I already knew a lot that my therapist had to say. I'd like to say that without my sister, I'd probably be as bad as I was when I was 16. I've gotten a lot better since then on my own. But I knew I could take a step further and get professional help. This forum is also helping me find things to talk about with my therapist (Because sometimes I just don't have anything to say and I stay there for half the time I should be there.)

 

[MoodElevator]

I think of socialization as a distraction and it helps ease my symptoms

Socializing I think can be very beneficial and upifting in certain contexts. We are naturally social creatures, interdependence how we came to rise above the food chain and dominate the planet. Therefore completely isolating ourselves goes against our nature and is harmful. Socializing can also be harmful however if its with mean or provocative individuals. Also too much of it can be counterproductive as it is a very heavy load to carry pretending to be ok to the outside world in order to comfortably socialize.

Wish I could just lie in the middle and feel more secure about the world like other people. >__<

I often find myself getting into the thought spiral of wishing I were someone different too. But even if you can't see it right now it does get better with time and patient effort. When I was in HS I used to live from one anxiety overload to the next and I was amazing at hiding them too. Being true to yourself is very relieving.

It's great that you have such a loving supportive sister. Dreams are always useful to bring into therapy sessions they can reveal a lot about what our subconscious is tackling.

 

[lightfoot]

Hi, I get flashbacks both when I'm asleep and awake but I also kinda space out just like your description, I think it's like sort of day dreaming and don't hear when people talk to me when I'm spacing out but if anyone asks what I was thinking about I can't remember.

Sometimes I think maybe I wasn't thinking anything just blank minded but I'm not sure.

I also sometimes sort of space out before a siezure, then when I come around I'm all dopey or confused or try to hide anywhere, under the bed, in cupboards just anywhere usually all of the above then sometimes I drift back off into my own little world again.

My GP says my brain can't cope with the anxiety and just sort of logs off and restarts like a computer

 

[ChoctawWarrior]

I heard that a hallucination can be a kind of flashback- like I've smelt things from my past before that weren't really there, and I've seen things out of the corners of my eyes, thinking there was a guy behind me (a lot of my traumas involved men). Then I gasped, turned around to get a full look but I'm never able to.....it's freaky, I hate that and they usually come and go depending on my stress level.

PS- how do you change your mood? :P I've been looking but I can't find out how...