Knowing If You Are On The Right Path

[Bilby]

Thinkingman, whilst I didn't witness his death, my brother's death was traumatic and an awful shock. I lived, I believe, in denial of his death for six years myself (strange now that I count the years from when it happened, to when I feel that I accepted his death). The only thing that made me really accept his death, was reading the inquest documentation (I was not at it).

It's hard to describe - I knew he had died, but I am certain that I still saw him places, I could literally pick him out in a crowd. It was upsetting every time - I would get closer to the person and then I would see their profile, or they would turn around and I'd just feel shattered. I had myself convinced for a while, that perhaps he had just staged everything and was really out there in the world, somewhere. This was just part of me wanting that to be reality. It's amazing what the mind can do, it really is. I am glad that I did what I clearly needed to do, in order to accept his death - I felt like I was then able to grieve - that took quite a while too, but I felt that I was already making progress just by accepting what was real and what was not.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I'm sorry about your brother's passing, Bilby. Also, in a previous post, you told me that you lost your father. I'm glad there are other people on this forum where I can share similar feelings. It's hard for me to understand why i haven't been able to accept my father's death. Intellectually, I have, but emotionally, I haven't. Still, intellectually, it is hard for me to have a good view of the world after what happened. I wish that the "death" feeling was gone. I think I developed PTSD because I saw my father dead on his bed. It was a scary site. The thought of him dead on his bed remains in my head. I feel like I have to get past this. Because of what I've witnessed, I think there are skewed perceptions I have about myself. There is a feeling that my life is already over even though I am only 27. I hope that I won't live the rest of my life with complicated grief. Life dealt me a bad hand, but I still want to enjoy it and live it to the fullest. I'm not dead! I deserve it! I've made mistakes, but I'm human. As long as I'm alive, I'm going to continue to try to get the platonic connection with life back. I'm connected to life, but this level of suffering has to be gone.

 

[Bilby]

Yes that's right, I have lost my Dad as well. Unfortunately, just due to circumstances really, I've grown up around 'death'. I had all my Uncles/Aunts die (except for 1) when I was young (luckily, I wasn't close to them and didn't see them very much), then all my grandparents, then my brother, and then my Dad. The last two were unexpected and the first one, particularly traumatic.

I agree with you completely that some thoughts are extremely difficult to get past. I have a very clear image of my Dad when he died and well, I really don't know what else I can say about that, except that you know what it feels like to have those images in your mind.

So, you were 21 when you lost your Dad, and even younger when you lost your Mum? I was 23 when I lost my Dad (I am now 35).

Intellectually, I have, but emotionally, I haven't. Still, intellectually, it is hard for me to have a good view of the world after what happened.

Yes, you've described what I was trying to say (somewhat badly) in my last post :) It is incredibly hard to see the world as a safe, happy place when you've lost someone so close. It leads you into asking questions that will never be answered and wondering how life could be so very cruel.

As much now, as special occasions still upset me sometimes, and daily I think of him, I am able to do so, for the most part, without as much hurt, without so much rawness. This took a LONG time to achieve. I have tried very hard, to live my life the way he would have wanted me to live it, to make him proud. I try to think of all the things I was taught, all the things that I hold dear - that came from him. I am here, because of him. I am who I am, because of him (and my Mum too!). There are things I was taught, things that I felt, that I can pass on to my own family now (who I dearly wish he had met). I feel good that I can do that. I often wonder if I'm doing a good enough job, but I remind myself that I try.

You are right, the suffering does need to stop. I truly believe that it will. Trust me when I tell you that I struggled for a long time (and at times, I do still), but you will survive and you will be able to reflect on many positive things, not just negative things.

B x

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks. I lost my mother when I was 15 and lost my father when I was 17. You said that death can lead you into asking questions that will never be answered and wondering how life could be so very cruel. I wouldn't go so far to say never. I think there can be a way to overcome trauma and find a way to have everlasting meaning and happiness. If you still have trouble handling your father's death after 12 years, I feel more comfortable accepting the state I'm in. I think the more traumatic the passing, the harder it is to overcome. We have a great capability of empathy and it can leave us damaged. One thing I am going to have to get over is overall seeing my father more than just how he passed. He was so much more than just how he passed. The way he passed shouldn't hold much bearing. When I think of my dad, I don't want the first thought to pop up in my head to be how he died.

 

[Sailorgal]

Do you often find yourself thinking about the great times you had? How you admired and looked up to him?

Were you the one to handle estate affairs after his death?

Recently, I uncovered material things that I held onto all these years. It was sooo hard. I forced myself to let them go. It doesn't take away the pain but it was less things holding me back and made me face up to it. Letting them go gave me an emotional release. We often don't realize how much we really hold onto things.

 

[Bilby]

One thing I am going to have to get over is overall seeing my father more than just how he passed. He was so much more than just how he passed.

Very, very true. This took me a while to realise too because I focused so much on the bad things. Once you can remember who he was, all the amazing things unique to him, and be able to smile, laugh, and share those thoughts with others, it really is amazing. In fact it's a kind of warm feeling. Knowing that that person, brought so much to your life and that you can reflect with happiness :)

I still have my moments of sadness, certainly, but I know things that I can do that will help me with that, and that help me put things in perspective. I am alright with this - I think it is perfectly ok to still have times where you feel sad and feel a sense a loss - if we didn't, we wouldn't really be human. I think in many ways, it's just a further testament to how much we loved them, and what a big impact they had on our lives - for the better :)

This might sound silly, but do you talk to him? I felt a very strong sense as though part of my Dad was still here for quite some time. I used to talk to him (in my mind) and it helped me a lot.

 

[timid_flower]

All of you have gone through so much. I'm sorry about the loved ones you have lost. I really, really wish I had great comforting and encouraging words to share. Sadly thinkingman was right, I don't.

Losing someone is painful and difficult. We're not able to understand it, accept it, process it and move on. If we were, we'd be robots. Sometimes it is too much for us. It may take years to grieve that loss, but I do agree that people are resilient.

We are able to cope. We never forget the people we lose. We will always miss them, but we are able to keep going forward and have fulfilling lives. I may take longer for some than others to get to that point, but it is possible.

I think it's important to also talk about the good times you had with that person. The fond memories you shared. How they were, things you would do together, what you remember about their lives. I think those talks are just as important as, if not more than the ones about their deaths.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Sailorgal, I think about the times I had with my father. However, the pain associated with how he passed is hard to get over. I am getting better though. My older brother handled the estate.

Bilby, yes I do talk to my father in my mind. I usually say that I miss him. I know that it's not him, but I get comfort in the memory of him. He will always be with me even if he is gone. Sooner or later, I hope to have enough strength to put up a picture of both my mother and father. The last time I did that, I had to put it down because the depression became too strong. Even if I don't have enough strength to do that, I hope to have a good memory of them so I can continue to live my life the way that I want.

timid_flower, thanks for the kind words :).

 

[Bilby]

You're very kind, timid_flower. I haven't suffered from PTSD or complicated grief - I'm just sharing my experiences with how things have been for me and hope that they can help.

Thinkingman85 - have you tried talking to him about other things? Things that are bothering you, or worrying you? Rather than telling him you miss him, tell him some specifics. I used to find that this made me feel a little lighter - I felt that he heard me, and that was very important to me. Sometimes, I have spoken to him about other things, it might be something specific that has cropped up that I'm not sure what to do about and I'll talk to him about it and seek his advice. There's yet to be an occasion yet where I haven't woken the next day with a solution, strangely enough.

It will take hard work on your part, but I do believe you will get there, thinkingman85.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Bilby, I will try talking about other things. I will also continue to listen. My memories and feelings have many important things to say. I'd like to believe that my father can hear me, but I lost faith after realizing the reality of what happened. That is something totally different that i have trouble coming to peace with. However, I'm glad that I'm still alive.

 

[Lady Vet]

I wonder if there's any way if you can tell if you're on the right track.

I can't tell you how you can know if you're on your right path, but I can share how I have come to know if I am on my right path...

I used to think of my "right path" as something clear and purposeful, as if I could open up my life map and see it all laid out before me. But I no longer think of the right path in this way. I know I'm on the right path every time I take a step in a direction that is helping me in some immediate way. If I feel hungry, I need to eat. Walking toward the food is the right path. Sitting in my room hungry and exhausted and allowing the depression to over take me is the wrong path, because it's feeding the darkness.

It comes down to choices that I make in response to what is real about where ever I find myself, and that's how I know I'm on the right path. I try not to judge where I am, and I try not to judge what I need because of where I am. I am a person who refuses medication at every turn, but when I couldn't sleep at all for weeks on end, the right path included medication. And as soon as the medication was creating its own set of problems, then the right path was to stop the medication.

I also no longer believe that the right path is a path filled with love and sunshine all of the time, because it's not. My path is still very much in the darkness, but that also no longer means that being in darkness means that I'm on the wrong path. But I am always walking toward something that will take me toward the light, take me toward love or beauty.

So the path (for me) is always about taking steps in response to what is directly in front of me. But that's me, and how I know. It's a "touchy feely" business, this walking on our life path. . . .so I send blessings of luck and wisdom as you find your own right path :)

 

[Lady Vet]

sometimes I think people know that there is something wrong with me. I'm trying to get back into the same level of normalcy as others

Reading this I thought about how for you, depression is normal, that's what's normal for you. Perhaps it's not normal for the people in your world, but it is what's normal now. I have had to accept that PTSD is my new normal. I don't like that it's normal, but it is. And I've have to accept the hard truth that what was "normal" for me before the trauma event is never going to be normal for me again. This has liberated me personally from caring what people think about me and my "abnormal" life. It's my life, and it's normal for me, so there's nothing "wrong" with me. It's what drove me to my new mantra, "Just because you don't understand PTSD, doesn't mean there's something wrong with me." And the more I understant PTSD, the greater power this mantra has for me, personally.

So maybe the people in your world don't understand depression in general, or depression as it moves across the landscape or your life, but that doesn't mean that it's abnormal or that there's something wrong with you. Just sayin' :)