Knowing If You Are On The Right Path

[timid_flower]

I use to work toward a goal

You still are. At the moment it might not be the same goals you had six years ago, but you are working towards something. You're working on getting better, nothing wrong with that goal.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Sometimes I think it is my environment that is hindering me. I had a breakdown in this environment six years ago. When I'm around that environment again, it seems like my depression turns on. Yes, my lifestyle has changed. I am not sure how I am going to be able to get back to a very productive lifestyle again. The last time I had a good social life, some of my friends considered me needy when I didn't think that I was. Both of my parents were gone and I valued friendship. I have a feeling that it's hopeless to try to have relationships with people because I'll be too depressed anyway. It's like I have a feeling of isolation that relationships won't be able to satisfy. It's because both of my parents are gone. So, instead, I just choose to stay by myself for the time being. Whenever I do activities, I just get angry because I'm not at the level I want to be. Sometimes, I feel like if I will continue doing activities that I will get back in tune, but if I haven't for six years, I don't care to try anymore. That's why I'm focusing on medication, therapy, learning, and being involved in this forum. My therapist has not suggested activities. I am progressing with the therapy and I think he can see that.

 

[saffy]

Sometimes I think that we can disillusioned about why we need outside acceptance or tasks to do.

In some cases I think that people are told to try something and that gives then the hope that if they do this or that they will be cured, they are looking at the task only as the cure, so when nothing works or you do not grow you give up and think the task is stupid.

It has been proven in research that those who only strive for the medal/applause/status loose motivation and self confidence when they appear to fail and are more likely to get aggressive and give up the task all together. For those striving for more intrinsic results, like personal growth and improvement they are more likely to continue and set themselves goals to achieve.

Sometimes when we are using our environments as a scale of happiness or security it denotes that the person is searching outside himself to find these feeling and so there are going to be times when our environments will cause the opposite and so we feel let down and frightened/out of control about our environments. We still allow outside influences to condition and influence our lives and happiness.

I found by finding myself and working for me only takes out the outside influence and allows me to also ignore it or not allow it to affect me personally. Inside I know for me I am doing the right thing. I have to control whether something upsets me and why. I have to be big and brave enough to stand up for myself and leave with dignity if I feel at any time threatened or patronised. I can go to my safe and peacefully place any time I want to now.

I found that my right direction was a path that leads me to inner peace and happiness without any other entity needed.

Best wishes to you all
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I agree. I focus on myself because it seems like most people won't care about what I do anyway. The tragedy is that I actually thought they would care. I thought what I did and do is special. Lack of response can lead to feelings of anger. I think the kind of person I am is someone that wants to give to people. I have been making music since I was 14. If a certain amount of people don't respond when I put my music out there, my feeling of worth in this earth seems damaged. I like talking about things that are deep, but if people fail to respond, I lose motivation. It's not that I'm insecure, it's that I want to share who I am and what I believe (my stance on life) with people. Personally, it feels insulting when people fail to acknowledge what I do. Either way, I still enjoy doing these things on my own and other people won't stop me. However, I don't think that I want to sacrifice the urge to want to connect with people and share who I am.

 

[saffy]

I thought what I did and do is special

It is Thinkingman. Of course it is. But again you are looking for external recognition as a value system for yourself.

If you genuinely believe in yourself and are proud of what you are doing and achieving and you know you are doing good by others, what does it matter what any body else thinks?

If someone said you were doing a crap job and you knew very well that you had done a very good job you would dismiss this comment because you know it is not true, you do not have to prove anything to him because he has no right to judge.

On the other hand if some praises you it is only validating what you already know yourself anyway. People can be very appreciative of others work and effort without showing it directly. But if you were doing it for them because you thought it was the right thing to do that is the prize not their pat on the back.

Never stop what makes you happy.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Agreed. The problem is that I have the belief that fighting for what I believe in is a dead end road. It might be the depression talking from cynics, my parents' passing, and other tragedies. There are a lot of things that I love to do, but I'm at the point where I feel like the pain will interfere with the enjoyment of the reward. An example is performing on stage. Before my traumas, I enjoyed it a lot. It was a feeling of freedom. However, the last time I was on stage, I still enjoyed it, but it was so painful. My depression was so strong that my memory of the performance wasn't just how good it was, but also how painful it was. There's probably just things I have to work out that keep me from leting myself enjoy things the way that I should. There definitely is a depression though.

 

[saffy]

Acting :) Ive never been brave enough, I am too self conscious. I always have been. Maybe you need to work on this also? just a thought :)

If people look at you what do you think they see?


What is it you believe in Thinkingman :) ?

Ye something is definitely stopping you eh :) There sounds like there is fear about something.

Anxiety with depression can cause unwanted thoughts, it did with me anyway. I had to do something about it so worked on what was making me anxious, what was I fearful of. How can I control this better or think about it differently?

I also like to really control some inner dialogue and make it positive at all times. It helps with the depression too.

Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

Ps maybe you are missing how your parents valued you and how you valued them and are looking for this also ?

sorry for the questioning you can tell me to shut up :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

these are questions to myself too really.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I am self conscious, but I think it is a realistic level of being self conscious. I'm not a superficial person. I experimented and focused on being less self conscious and I actually felt more depressed. :O_o:. It is something I haven't perfected, but I don't think it is the problem.

I think one of the main obstacle I haven't overcome is finding enough strength and meaning to fight through it all. When my parents were alive, I felt like I was fighting for something. After witnessing how they both passed it's hard to believe that it's all actually worth fighting for. I love life and I thin k it is something that should be fought for, but if you experience something like I did, it seems like the only thing that can happen is a hopeless outlook will develop.

I only think someone can understand where I am coming from if he or she actually went through things like I did. For example, I think someone that witnessed a genocide first hand would find it much harder to have a good meaningful life compared to a properly raised suburban kid.

Witnessing tragedy gives you an awareness of how meaningless life really is. Or, at least, I have developed a viewpoint because of it. If I get to where I want, it seems like the thought "what's the point that you did this? You saw how your parents ended up." will continue to exist in my head. With tragedy (only serious) comes the questioning if life is all worth the fight.

 

[timid_flower]

thinkingman, I think that need for recognition from others is completely understandable. Yes, ideally it should come from within us and have the outside sources as reinforcement. I think the fact that you lost your parents when you did is definitely a big part of that.

When we are young we depend on our parents. They are our caretakers and provide the security we need. They play a huge part in how we perceive ourselves. It's never easy to lose a parent, but I think it is especially difficult when we lose them before we're adults. We start looking for that support and security from others.

You've gotten older, but that need you had when you lost your parents is still there. That it is very difficult to overcome. Do you mind if I ask what your support system looks like right now?

 

[saffy]

I experimented and focused on being less self conscious and I actually felt more depressed.

I don't think it is a case of just saying stop it be less self conscious today. That would be like taking off the plaster but not fixing the wound. You will not be in your true self and that will be depressing.

I know I am self conscious and I know it is because of constantly being told by others negative things about myself and my looks. I now think everyone must think that, but are just being polite. So I look for validation. When it does not come I feel, bollox, what is the point.

In reality I should not have listen to them bad things in the first place. If I had more confidence in myself? Higher self esteem?

I also know that if I was confident in myself and had high self esteem I also would not need anyone else's validation.


Sorry to hear about your parents by the way. You miss them a lot.

The place at where your parent ended up was the end of a very long path that they took themselves and they experienced lots of things on the way.

It is not the end of your path yet though, Thinkingman :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

My support system is my therapist, a few friends, and this forum is also a good place to talk. After my parents passed, I quit relying on outside sources for support. The best metaphor is it's like I'm a samurai living on his own. After losing things so dearly, it's hard reconnecting. You're right.