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Knowing you’re just not going to sleep tonight

Ice_Fire

MyPTSD Pro
Overall I’m quite lucky with sleep. I have episodes of insomnia but overall I’m not bad. But when I do have a stint of not sleeping, or even just a bad night; I know it before it happens.

Sometimes it’s obvious, I’m triggered or anxious about the next day or whatever. But other times there’s no rhyme or reason for it. I’m not even like wired or full of energy. I just, go to bed and turn the light out and know, that nope, not going to happen tonight.

And then I wonder if it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I just don’t know how because there’s nothing I’m aware of as to why and there’s nothing in my head about it until that moment I lie down and then it becomes apparent. It’s as boring a state-the-obvious fact as turning the light off makes the room dark. I’ve turned the light out so now it’s dark and I won’t be getting any sleep.
 
That’s pretty normal for me. It generally takes between 1-3 hours for me to fall asleep (unless I am physically/mentally/emotionally exhausted) and I have certain “windows” I have to hit. If I miss one of those windows? After about an hour my eyes just blink open, and I know my next window won’t hit for at least 12 more hours.

Knowing I’m not going to sleep? Is being aware that I’m outside of a sleep window AND haven’t made the exhaustion trifecta that just pulls me bonelessly into oblivion.

I can half-force a window with a few different things (8 shots of espresso, or a couple double shots of whiskey, or sex, or an explosive burst of excercise for 1-2 hours followed by a hot shower & cold drink, or cold shower & hot drink)… but even then it’s more like creating the possibility of a window, rather than guaranteeing it. But? It’s better than knowing I’ll need to wait 12/20/30/72 hours before I’ll hit a naturally occurring sleep window.
 
i suffered sleep deprivation levels of nightmares for about 20 years or so. anticipating the nightmares is part of how i got past them. planning on them allowed me to be more relaxed in applying preventative measures which included journaling, laying plenty of crafting supplies for restful activities, placing dream talismans, etc.

it's been an uncounted number of years since nightmares have been a problem for me. is it ironic that i often miss those extra quiet hours and often stay up just to enjoy them?
 
I kinda know when it's coming. There are things that set it off. I just learned that when it doesn't happen to not stress. I find quiet and rest. I put something I have seen 4000 time on tv, grab a blankie curl up with a book, do something else quiet, whatever.

Like I have said too - the more I worry about sleep the less I sleep.....
 
and I have certain “windows” I have to hit. If I miss one of those windows? After about an hour my eyes just blink open, and I know my next window won’t hit for at least 12 more hours.
Huh, I’ve not thought about it like this before but yep, that’s a lot how it feels. If I stay up too late or push through a feeling of tiredness early evening, that’s it, night ruined. I must pay more attention to this and see if I can identify a pattern.

But then some nights I go about my normal routine and I feel ‘normal’ And then I shut my eyes and ‘nope’.
when it doesn't happen to not stress
This is something I’ve really struggled with. Clock watching and getting increasingly anxious. I’m better than I was, much better. I’ve learnt to get up, put a calm nature documentary on or something like that and simply accept it. It won’t kill me, caffeine will get me through the following day and it’s fine. The anxiety is a much smaller voice in my head than it ever was, although it is still there.

I think the anxiety especially maybe stems from the fact that sleep deprivation was used as a punishment growing up. The momster would check to see if I was asleep. I used to try my best to pretend but I was so scared of her that often she could tell. And then she would tell me off for not being asleep yet (?) and I would have to stand at the foot of my bed. Either until she got fed up or I literally fell asleep stood up. And she was very good at just standing and not moving and not recognising time herself so it would last all night sometimes.

I do wonder if it’s connected? If subconsciously if I am not asleep quickly it’s like “ok no sleep tonight”. I don’t know. Im just making the dots now so it’s not been something I’ve thought about or been consciously aware of.
 
This is something I’ve really struggled with. Clock watching and getting increasingly anxious. I’m better than I was, much better. I’ve learnt to get up, put a calm nature documentary on or something like that and simply accept it. It won’t kill me, caffeine will get me through the following day and it’s fine. The anxiety is a much smaller voice in my head than it ever was, although it is still there.
The.......single..........hardest...............part............is.............breaking the cycle of rumination.....................
Gotta do it. Gen engaged in something that stops that whirlwind of thought in your head.

It's like watching the sink drain.....you get sucked into that vortex and off you go......
 
Resurrecting this thread because I’m having a real bad time with insomnia just now.

Got to a point in therapy where we’re starting to look at the nitty gritty. However, I’m definitely not ruminating on any of it. Like, it is not in my head when I go to bed.

I’ll come on here, or sit and think / reflect before bed and then put it back in it’s box before I go to bed. I’ve been doing everything; consistent routine, no caffeine, breathing exercises. No clocks in the vicinity. Nice smelly diffuser thing. Hell I’ve even bought a new duvet.

I’m not staying in bed ages either. If I’m not asleep after a wee while then I’ll just get up and sit on the sofa. Read or watch something quiet or build Lego. I’m trying so so hard to not try so hard with the whole thing.

But I still get these nights where I can be really sleepy and relaxed and then I go to bed and shut my eyes and…nothing happens. I either feel uncomfortable or restless. I don’t have any thoughts going around beyond the breathing exercises and counting sheep. But nothing.

@Friday I’ve been paying much more attention to the sleep windows stuff. Thank you for that it was very helpful. Now I’ll stick to more or less the same routine but I’m trying to just head to bed when I feel like I’m entering a window where it’s possible. Very hit and miss but it’s something.

I just can’t sleep. Any ideas beyond what I’ve already mentioned and a few nips of whatever tipple, which is not a great long term solution.

My T suggested 5htt or something? Or melatonin? But I’m unsure about dabbling in over the counter stuff? I’m not on any other meds.
 
Melatonin is very mild. I’ve found it successful in the past.

Do you play an instrument or do some sort of art, something you can lose yourself in? If your T is right and sleep at the moment is linked to the terror of your childhood maybe doing something like that in your room could be helpful before bed. For me I find sleeping in a different position can be helpful whether that be in my recliner or on the couch instead of bed. If you don’t have a recliner you can find a cost effective zero gravity camp chair for a fairly good price.
 
But I still get these nights where I can be really sleepy and relaxed and then I go to bed and shut my eyes and…nothing happens.
Yup those nights suck.....Not sleeping sucks. But it happens. The single and only thing I know is: the more you worry about not sleeping the less you sleep.

That and for me having some background something (I found this long before I found I had PTSD) be it TV or music or whatever helped me drop off. I had a media player and I would watch the same TV show over and over and over every night.

Or read - really slowly - so slow my brain got way bored.
 
One of the things I learned during the cbti course that was most helpful was that your body regulates itself, not by the time you go to sleep, but by the time you wake up. So it's more important to get up at the same time every day rather than go to bed at a fixed time. It's more helpful for good quality long term sleep than acute periods of insomnia, but it might help your body re-regulate.
 
the more you worry about not sleeping the less you sleep.
Yes this is absolutely true and a lot of what my last T was about was this very thing. I’m finding it very difficult to try not to get worked up about it.

@jaccat work means I am always up at 7 and I tend not to sleep in at the weekends so at least I’m doing something right!
 
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