General Lashing Out

[Luci]

Hi everyone...
I have some questions about how to deal with being lashed out at. My boyfriend has PTSD and I just experienced a symptom of it. The other day we were having a perfectly normal conversation and then something I said really upset him. When I asked why he was upset he said that I was not listening to him and that I don't understand. It turned into a huge fight and he said a lot of very hurtful upsetting almost non repairable things. I think that he thinks that this is all my fault. I am still not sure what I said that would have caused such an ordeal. Believe me if I would have known, I wouldn't have said it. Then he was paranoid that I had talked to his father about him and that is why we had a fight. I hadn't even really talked to anyone else besides him that day. I honestly don't know what to do. I am taking care of myself but I am not sure that he really knows that it is the PTSD making him do these things. He has had relationships in the past that have not worked out and has been married a couple of times. I love him and want to be there for him but I am afraid that if I talk to him about it, he will blow up again. He told me that he has been diagnosed with it but I think he really needs help.
1) What do I do when he starts yelling or criticizing me?
2) What do I do when he gets upset at me over something so small that I don't even realize it is a problem?
3) When we start arguing, he makes me feel guilty for leaving the room but nothing I say or do helps the situation. Does letting him cool off help him or does it make it worst not to talk about it?
I am at a loss and I am not sure what to do. He says that I am making his enviroment emotionally stressful when a day before the blow up he said this is the happiest he has ever been. His father has even told me that he has never seen his son so happy and then all of the sudden....
Please help...Thanks guys.

 

[kaydee]

Hi Luci

All I can say is I can understand what you are going through, I took the advice offered by others here and read, read, read and then read some more BUT even after all my reading I have to admit I still dont understand and perhaps I never will.

I console myself by thinking that I am human and I care and I will be there in whatever way my partner lets me be, but have decided after 2 years of ups and downs that without her wanting to continue to help herself, I am stuck here waiting and watching and worrying.

I recognize that I need help and support from all different places, or I will lose me.

I wish you the best and hope that you will find some of the answers you are looking for for, there are plenty of threads here.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello Luci,

Welcome to the forum!

I am so sorry that happened to you.

I don't know if this will help but from what you have described it sounds realated to the "good" stress and happiness of the day before. A lot of us sufferers (myself, anyway) feel a lot of guilt and do not feel entitled to good people in their life or good things and can lash out at the very ones who care the most or whom mean the most.

However, that being said it is totally unacceptable to accept abusive behaviour from anyone else, and if you choose to walk away during an "argument" or specific behaviour so be it. Definitely do not try to reason or defend yourself if it is not being respected. Protect yourself, understand it is not personal, but set your own boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour.

I would give him space and let him think about his own actions. Do not try to make him feel guilty- try to practice (difficult as it is) loving detachment with the understanding he is ill but that he also has to take responsibilty for himself, and he is not likely to if you feed into his guilt or take blame that is not deserved upon yourself.

Later he may be able to talk rationally about it.

Also, there are some really good threads in this forum and the carers' section to check out.

Best of luck and best wishes to you.

 

[Vickym]

Hi Luci,

Welcome to the forum!

My bf has ptsd. There have been times when he has gotten upset with me because he thought I wasn't paying attention even though I was and could repeat everything he said to me. For them the expect full attention with you looking at them. Something as simple as turning away for a minute or looking down flares them up.

Try to avoid as many fights as possible when you see it going south say to him lets wait to talk about this when you are calm.

Never press him to talk give him space as hard as it is. Try not to take it personal the more you do the more hurt you are going to feel.

PTSD is about them not about us! The forum can really help you when you are having a hard time lots of times one of us has already been there! Hang in there!!!

 

[Nat]

I have had this happen to me also. Usually I will just let him cool off and the next day he usually apologizes. He doesn't usually say negative things about me, but I get the "you don't understand" and "you are not listening to me." My ex is also not yet ready to accept the affect ptsd has on him. This will all come with time and therapy, at least I hope. I think the hardest thing to understand (and I struggle with this every day) is giving them space and not blaming yourself. Give him some time to figure himself out.

I know every day is a struggle and its hard to feel so helpless in what to do when you see someone you love hurting. Good luck!

 

[Shoka]

Sounds Familiar

Dear Luci,

Your experience sounds familiar to me. It is exhausting to constantly be measuring my words, body language and even my thoughts sometimes. I sometimes feel as if I accidentally walked into a mine field. Lately I am starting to see the patterns so it's a little easier, but not much.

One thing that was helpful for me was that I started a little journal of some of these behaviors and what was happening around them. So for example, when my BF is in a major sleep deficit, I know that it's more likely he'll lash out at me then when he's rested. I also know that after he has his EMDR treatment, he can be really volatile.

Another thing I've done is to try to build up my personal support system so I have people to talk to. This forum is one of the best things out there for support. I have a few friends who might not understand PTSD but are compassionate listeners when I need them.

The last thing that is really helping me is to try to read as much about PTSD and educate myself.

Learning not to take stuff so personally has been hard, but I've realized that maybe this man came into my life so I could learn this lesson the hard way. It actually has helped me in other areas of my life, I'm finding I am tougher and that's a good thing.

Heartfelt best wishes to you-
Keep coming back to the forum, I think it helps.

Shoka

 

[freya]

I'm touched reading this because I can relate to it. I just posted a response (twice, by accident, I'm afraid!) on the thread 'It's nothing personal' by Nicolette, about the same sort of thing.

I said there that both I and my partner have PTSD or PTSD - ish traits. For me it's unbearable if he doesn't look at me or does not pay full attention to me when we're having a discussion, but for him it's the opposite! If I pay attention to him too directly during a conflict, it arouses fear and anger in him.

I get the 'you are not listening' a lot, too. I'd get upset and try to convince him that I am, TOO, listening - and that would make things worse.
So now I just (try to) remain silent and stop discussing the issue. After he's calmed down he usually is open to look at what happened and discuss it and see my side too.

With regard to the questions: I think my answer to nr. 1 and 2 is both to try to leave the room or go do something else, (if I can), do create time and space to 'cool off'. Also if he makes you feel guilty over it. It's useful I think to try to find ways to withdraw from an interaction as 'neutral' or 'friendly' as possible.
He should realize though that he is having a problem, I think. You may want to tell him so at a time when he's relaxed.
With regard to nr. 3 I think you may ask not what helps him, but what helps YOU; I can imagine that in some cases the only thing that helps YOU is to leave the room. You can try to talk or reason with him, but one big lesson I'm personally learning is that it's NO USE trying to talk to an angry person.

My thought (and experience) is that it's better if you talk with him later when the agitation and tension of the trigger have subsided for him. Don't try to explain or express yourself when he's triggered; he probably 'can't hear you' anyway until he's calmed down.

Freya

 

[chevy_diesel_girl01]

I am sorry you are going hrough this, i am currently dealing with the same thing and I am on here looking for answers. You can read some of my stories on here, I am sure we have a lot in common.
To whoever it was that said this:
"I said there that both I and my partner have PTSD or PTSD - ish traits. For me it's unbearable if he doesn't look at me or does not pay full attention to me when we're having a discussion, but for him it's the opposite! If I pay attention to him too directly during a conflict, it arouses fear and anger in him. "

My husband is exactly the same way! He CANNOT stand me looking at him, he gets very angry and tense. I can look him in the eyes for a couple of seconds at a time, but any longer and he will snap at me about it. He gets frustrated if I look at him while he talks to me, it is really odd. Also, when I am talking to him, he has no problem turning the other way, starting to play with one of the dogs, or changing channels on the tv. He will totally tune me out and it frustrates me, it is like he does not care what I am saying. He will ask me a question and then leave the room.

Oh and an update from my post of a couple of weeks ago, he got a second speeding ticket in a month last week, due to his road rage he sped past someone who cut him off when there was a cop right there. Also, he go served a court summons for an old cellphone bill. We will have to sell a car to pay it unless the creditor accepts payments, the court date is right after our second anniversary. :-( Anyways, after he got served, I told him he should have called them when he got the notice from a lawyer, and he threw the papers at me, yelled at me and went in our room and slammed the door. hen he came out and begged me not to leave him. his was all in front of my parents. He has been snapping a me constantly the last few weeks and in front of my parents. My mom is having a hard time staying out of it, she is worried about me. When we were all trying to unload hay for our horses out of my truck and into the shed, he got frustrated because i was windy and threw a bunch of hay inadvertantly in my face, even though he knew I was right there and that I am severely allergi to it. he did the same hing the oher day when we were trying to reattach a tarp the wind had blown off of some hay, he blew up and literally had a tmeper tantrum and left my mother and I to do it. we came into the house and he was playing xBox football, as happy as he could be. It is so odd. We have an appointment with my herapist for this Monday, and I've already told my therapist I want to try and get him to talk, since he agreed he would. I'll update everyone afterwards!
Sorry for my venting, I hope you can figure out what you need o do. if you want my email address or anything let me know!

 

[Lola]

Hi everyone...
1) What do I do when he starts yelling or criticizing me?
2) What do I do when he gets upset at me over something so small that I don't even realize it is a problem?
3) When we start arguing, he makes me feel guilty for leaving the room but nothing I say or do helps the situation. Does letting him cool off help him or does it make it worst not to talk about it?

I could have written this myself, as I see my situation as similar to yours. Do you find that he does this daily, regardless of his anxiety, or just during times of stress?

I can now, after more than 3 years, deal with occassional lashing out and not take it personally. But my problem is that this is a daily way he's developed of talking to me. When every day you hear criticism of everything, from your personality or job to not closing the cupboard door while you're unloading the dishwasher, how can you not take it personally and keep it from affecting your self-respect?