Law enforcement and military relationship

[Brturner13]

Curious if any supporters who are law enforcement were in a relationship with sufferer?
I have been in law enforcement 12 years with dispatch, patrol,narcotics and now work in the jail.
I was dating infantry guy with PTSD. I guess with law enforcement we don't debrief, we don't deal with the calls, we just keep going on and on. I learn to shut down emotionally on calls because who has time to deal when you still have more calls to take on patrol. I noticed when I would tell certain stories about my experiences in le, my ex would drift off like he was having a flashback. I remember talking about a double fatality I had been on and describing it not realizing it must've been affecting him. As soon as i realized it i stopped and changed the subject.Another time I was talking about work and he would make snide comments about at least we came back alive and then said no more work talk. Kinda hard for me not to talk about work, because its how I decompress but I never talk the emotional side of it. Sometimes I felt maybe I was insensitive or the stories I told him reminded him of his deployments. I don't explain emotions when I tell stories about work, I just tell them to just explain how my day went at work. Anybody gone through similar experience? Not trying to compete with him, but law enforcement is all I know and do.

 

[Tefara]

I think your stories are stressors for him. My veteran doesn't like to hear bad things that are happening. We don't watch the news, ever.

I would suggest talking with your coworkers about what is going on.

Also if you haven't already read about the stress cup.

✌

 

[Duzowil]

I’m ex LEO and ex PO. I went into PO after working K9 for the PD. I never talked to my wife about my work because she didn’t want to hear about it. She suffers from C-PTSD. I simply never brought my work life home with me. If I wanted to shoot the breeze, I went to a coworkers house or sat outside on the phone. I was upfront that I was “talking shop” and she was fine with that. PTSD sufferers have enough stuff going on in their heads; they don’t need our stories to add to their stress cup.

 

[blahblahblah]

Kinda hard for me not to talk about work, because its how I decompress

Maybe it's time to explore other ways you can decompress?

but I never talk the emotional side of it. Sometimes I felt maybe I was insensitive or the stories I told him reminded him of his deployments. I don't explain emotions when I tell stories about work, I just tell them to just explain how my day went at work. Anybody gone through similar experience? Not trying to compete with him, but law enforcement is all I know and do.

For him, avoiding the emotional side of it or not isn't the issue. It's still a trigger because of his own stuff.

For you, it's unhealthy to stuff one aspect and not have anyone or any place to talk through the emotional impact of it. In fact, 33-35% of active duty law enforcement have fully blown PTSD and up to 50% have symptoms of PTSD, and the culture of silence about some of these things, like the emotional impact of the job, might be a contributing factor - in addition to the non-stop traumatic nature of such work.

There are subjects I've had to ask others in my life to not talk about around me for now, because it's too triggery. It's my job to manage that boundary, and it seems clear he's set a boundary like that too. I can see why it's hard for you, because work is such a big part of your life. That's where having a support network of your own is key.

There are many things about my own life and job that I can't talk to those close to me as well, as a supporter and friend and just because I deal with sh*t many others just can't handle.... And this is how it is, even though these things are big parts of my life, and i can share them pretty factually, without emotion... because they just can't handle it.

In those cases, the relationship with them has to be built on other things, and I have to work to find others who can handle it to verbally decompress.

But I don't just leave it there. I will do things to decompress with those that I can't talk to about the trauma... Sometimes it's not really the event that someone can hear, but the emotion. There have been times I have said, "today was really hard. I can't talk about why. Can you (something that will help me cope)?" Or sometimes, I don't even share it's been a hard day, but I ask them to come run with me, see a movie, etc.

It's a little disjointed, but sometimes it really works to help me decompress and helps build intimacy in the relationship too.

For this relationship to work well, you both may need a whole toolbox of ways to cope and decompress. It might be a great thing you can both explore together.

 

[Tulad]

Curious if any supporters who are law enforcement were in a relationship with sufferer?
I have been in law enforcem...

Thank you for your service...my son is police officer...

 

[Hile]

Not in law enforcement (my sufferer was), but my job was very high stress (obviously for entirely different reasons). My sufferer could NOT handle my stress at all. Then again, he couldn't handle any of my emotions, even the happy ones. I couldn't talk to him about my job, and unfortunately I had to bring my work home with me (literally - on call dispatching) on a regular basis.

The ultimatum came (him or my job) because my being stressed was "abusive" to him.

He was/is not in treatment, though, and does not have tools to cope with anything.

But anyway, it's not a surprise that a sufferer can't handle any sort of stress coming from their supporter, especially from something as big in one's life as their career.