Learning Boundaries

[Jestadud]

Thank you for your response, yes of course you are right and with good old hindsight I should have walked away.

The person was a friend in a group of friends, they have all lived locally all their lives so have known each other since school days whereas I come the next town so they didn't know my past. One of the guys I'd been friends with for about 15 years the other's about 13 years, I would say I only have two friends that I've known longer.

Because these were my friends rather than walk away I tried explaining that the comments were unacceptable, insulting and offensive to me which finally got the response "Don't just sit there xxxx get up and do something about it." I was probably out of my seat before he'd finished the sentence.
To my surprise rather than apologise he cowered up. Then I realised that he thought he would be safe because he had his mates with him. My body just kicked in ready for a gang fight, I remember thinking "You idiot you don't know me". My attention moved to the toughest in the group, in a gang fight you take them out first, this was my oldest friend in the group and I was considering whether to inflict maximum damage or if I could risk trying for less. Then I saw his face and the look of fear, horror even defeat that was there and managed to pull myself back. I sat down, the older of my friends left immediately then shortly after the rest of my friends dragged the one who had offended me out with me pushing them away shouting "Get him away from me just get him away from me"

God it's been difficult writing this, please don't think of me as a thug I was 49 when this happened and hadn't had a fight since my late teens or early twentys although I've dealt with a few violent situations inbetween.

Yeah know your boundaries BUT be prepared for THEN WHAT you might do.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Then there are the times that you END a relationship, and the other person just *Doesn't Get It*. They keep bothering you, and trying to push your buttons. Little do they know, that when someone does this to me......I realize just how unhealthy/desperate they really are. I am then grateful that I have ended the relationship, because I was right... They are TOXIC!!!!!!!!

 

[disconnect]

This is a great thread - thank you!

Therapy is one of the key places where I was first challenged, in regards to pushing set boundries. I had a T (out of many) who was very strict on time keeping during sessions. She explained to me that I was the person who had to bring something to a therapy session, that I had to time-keep and clock watch, to check that I was OK enough to leave when the session ended. I'd also know when to wrap things up. She set those boundries and although she wasn't a great T (she once accused me of seeking attention when I was having a breakdown) she still implanted the boundries that I still do try to keep to to this day.

My current T has probably taught me the most about myself and my way of pushing boundries. I have both her home and mobile number, which means I contact her whenever I need to. This is a priviledge that I sometimes attach myself to, way too much. This is more about pushing boundries and knowing when enough is enough. I must be pushing those boundries subconciously though, because I always try to do self-nurturing and self-comforting, but sometimes, I just need her. She sets the boundries and I know where they are, which is really helpful for me. Sometimes she'll relax the boundries if I'm having a difficult time, but if I start depending too much, she'll reinstate those boundries and will not contact me back if I text her.

I was given boundries when I was younger, but they were always scared into me (if I broke a rule, 'such-and-such' would happen to me), so I was never taught proper respect for boundries, especially regarding attachments with people in authority positions (often becoming so dependant, I'd scare them off)

I'm still finding it difficult, especially when I'm distressed, but I think I'm learning.

 

[Deleted member 541]

disconnect, I am glad that you enjoyed the thread.... Boundaries, are needed for healthy relationships to flourish. You simply can not maintain a relationship for a period of time without them.

My only issue with boundaries....I NEED to know what they are first. I can't stand it when you are involved in a relationship with someone, friend or mate, and things seem to be going ok, and then they hit you with.......I hate it when you blah, blah, blah........HUH????? If they had told me up front, that Blah, blah, blah bothered them, I wouldn't have done it. I just feel that boundaries, NEED to be set up front, and in the open right off the bat, so that both parties KNOW what they are dealing with..