I have had a difficult time lately and now am able to see the light. Working with the Therapist made me aware of how early the PTSD started. My first memory is being held by my mom when a burglar broke in the house and she sprayed hairspray in his eyes. I was just a toddler but I remember that fear. I lived in a physically and emotionally abusive home. Some "memories" are so clear that I guess they really are flashbacks. I remember my Dad beating my Mothers' head on the bathtub and then flushing her head in the toilet. The blood was so red against the white commode. We were in a hotel at Disney. Happy vacation right? I remember standing there crying for him to stop and he picked me up and threw me on bed. My sister hugged me while we listened to her screams. I must have been 4 yrs old. Then I don't remember anymore of that night. The problem with this is that I love and still love my dad. The fights they had during our childhood were horrible. It was a relief when they divorced when I was 6 yrs old. My Mother fell apart and turned to alcohol. We went from having a nice home, clothes, nannies to having no food in the house. But there was always money for Segrams 7, Coke, and Pall Mall cigarettes (in the gold pack!) though. Since she stayed drunk most of the time...that left ample opportunities for two girls under 9 to grow up fast and learn all the evil that people are capable enough. This is the about all I can handle right now. Getting this out hurts as bad as when it was happening. Why is that? I stuffed this down for over 30 years and my locks are rusting on my box. This crap just comes out without warning. I was so depressed that I recently was hospitalized. The first three days were a blur but meds were adjusted and with continued help from Pdoc and T, I hope that I can come to some kind of understanding with my past. Maybe my box can never be completely opened. But knowing there are others out there helps.
Booknerd
Booknerd
