Leave Therapy Or Stay?

[deleted]

Soooo my therapist and I have kind of hit a wall. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and BPD and the goal is to work through the sexual trauma that caused both. Whenever I go to talk about it its just like I can't. My mouth literally feels like it can't move and I just shut down. Ive never really spoken it out loud and Ive been living in denial for so long that Im afraid if I say it that means its true and that it did happen and I don't know how I could possibly cope with that. We've done all the superficial work we can and now we can't do anything without addressing the trauma. Last session we just sat there in silence basically because I couldn't answer anything.

I have a habit of running away from therapists and people in general when things get hard. Ive spent the last three weeks calling him to tell him I hate him and and quitting therapy (even though he's the best therapist ever) only to have him coax me back into session. But this time I feel like maybe Im just not cut out for therapy-maybe Im just left to live with this inside of me forever. I called him today to politely tell him I was never coming back and got a text saying that he really hopes to see me Sunday (my next session). I just don't think I can do it. Im scared.

Outside of therapy Im having almost daily panic attacks, dissociation, hyper vigilance, nightmares etc. etc. etc. and no one else I can really turn to about all of this so I feel stuck. Should I stay or should I go?

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Katiee_co!

You need to stay in therapy, and see him on Sunday, and make it to all the other appointments after that one. You're at a point in therapy where if you keep going, you will make a breakthrough and begin working on the trauma that will always torment you, unless and until you deal with it in a healthy fashion.

One of my beloved trauma therapists is fond of saying, "O.K., it's hard to do this... So what! Difficult is good."

If you want to reduce and/or get rid of all those nasty symptoms, you must keep going to therapy.
I had those, but they no longer ruin my life - because I did the difficult thing, and didn't run away from therapy.

You can do this! You'll be glad you did!
:hug:

 

[Suzetig]

I agree, keep going. Even if all you do is sit in silence, go over coping strategies, grounding, day to day issues keep on going. There will come a time when you're able to say a bit of what you need to, then a bit more, then a bit more. I'm the queen of just not answering my therapists questions, either ignoring them or answering something else or changing the subject - it's all fine, it really does take as long as it takes. Your therapist should be able to find a way that opens the door for you to talk without forcing you too soon, it's a careful balance to strike but if he's any good he'll be able to find it.

In the meantime, turning up gets you into the habit of being there, builds a healing therapeutic relationship and keeps you centred. You may be surprised, in time, to find that your mind seems to have something to process just in time for your sessions. Well done on keeping in there - you're doing great.

 

[Rumors]

I ditto the above posts and wanted to add, isn't is awesome that SOMEONE in this world won't give up on you? It is rare and priceless. It sounds like he is someone tried and true who can be trusted even with the ugly. I hope you will go on Sunday and just breathe and talk. You can do this. You have already lived through the hardest part and that was the abuse. From here after you get to take your life back and move beyond the pain of the abuse. Sounds like you have a wonderful ally in that journey. Best wishes!!!

 

[scout86]

You've tried running away in the past and it hasn't solved anything (other than to avoid dealing with things). The only way to get a different outcome is to try a different approach. Which seems to be sticking with it.

I couldn't handle sitting in silence and, fortunately, my T doesn't go that route. We talk about other stuff instead. Which sometimes seems like it's wasting time, but it actually seems to be building trust. There should be a point, some where along the line, where the trust is built up enough that "talking about really difficult stuff" will be possible. (We've had more than one session of "talking about not talking". You might try that?)

 

[Chosen]

what about taking a pad of drawing paper and drawing whatever comes to mind? And maybe saying beforehand that you might not want to talk about what you draw, but just that you want to draw?

 

[Tinyflame]

Ya I don't know what to say. I know here (on the forum) people always say to keep trying. But I just read yesterday that although 'staying safe' leads to stagnation, pushing through if you don't have something or someone, not specifically grounding but they said "for example God, a person, a family" , & blindly throwing yourself off the cliff ('trying') can be devastating because there isn't anything to catch you.

(I apologize if this is wrong to say. I don't want to discourage. I guess you have to look at your own situation.)

Best wishes.

 

[SnowJo]

Soooo my therapist and I have kind of hit a wall. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and BPD and the goal i...

Ok well I have a different view. I think possibly that direct talking about the abuse may not be therapeutic! From my experience. ... That after the long history I have had, I do not find it healing at all to talk about sexual abuse and I resented any counselors "pushing me" for information as it pretty much felt and still does feel like an invasion of my personal boundaries. I can remember some things and not others.... since I am not in a court room or writing the book on my past. It's my f*cking life and saying No... is ok!!! And actually I don't find that talking about it is therapeutic ... this view is also OK!!!

I am so glad I now can set boundaries with the professionals that call themselves counselors. I have a good relationship with my current counselor Because I allow myself to say NO. And tell her off when she crashes my boundaries! ... something I couldn't say growing up with out getting beaten. And I am also very happy not rummaging around anymore feeling like I owe an explanation to others for abuse I wanted no part of, probably kept my eyes shut and left my mind to a better place because I am a survivor... I like me, I don't feel the need to explain the abuse of others or even try and relive any more abuse. I am about healing today, not being pushed around by yet another person who has power over me. Today I keep my own power and I will very very slowly choose what I talk about, when, with whom. I am my own best friend today.... hope this helps ypu understand it's ok to be you and say NO!