Leaving on disability vs just quitting

[desiderata310]

So today is my last day at work. My first official day off of work is Monday.
I'm missing a bunch of stuff happening next week.
I'm freaked out that I've said NOTHING to my crew. I'm trying to button things up and leave everything tidy, easy to find and I'm trying to advance the show properly and leave information where it can be found. I'll be reconciling petty cash before I walk out the door this weekend. I don't want that hanging over my head either.

So I'm on short term disability. OR rather I'm on forced PTO- STD kicks in two weeks from now.
I just got paid. I will get one more full paycheck in two weeks.
Then?
Who knows.
Maybe I just resign with the assistance of my MD.

It's all confusing to me. I KNOW I am not capable of doing this job. I am sure after a rest I could do a different job (one that doesn't involve the hours and the stress).
Part of me is really disappointed that I have to leave this job, this business but part of me is relieved at the thought of never advancing another show again for as long as I live. Of never dealing with another money grubbing promoter.

I want to remember what it's like to feel good about what I do. To work some place mission driven and know that the mission of the place I work made a difference in the lives of those who access wherever I work. I still strongly believe that the arts can and does change lives but not where I work.

There's part of me that thinks that I should turn in my two week's notice TODAY and just walk away.
I guess I could still do that. It would still be an ass hole move but whatever.
I would get another two week's of pay if I pushed through.
It would make the next two weeks hellish.

I don't know.
I guess I could reverse everything Monday if I wanted to.

 

[joeylittle]

To work some place mission driven and know that the mission of the place I work made a difference in the lives of those who access wherever I work. I still strongly believe that the arts can and does change lives but not where I work.

Just wanted to validate this, because it's an accurate observation. They really are two different worlds, two different kinds of work.

I would get another two week's of pay if I pushed through.
It would make the next two weeks hellish.

Can you push through, doing the bare minimum, knowing that you've already 'tidied up' a lot of it?
(I'm not suggesting you do that, just asking if it could play out like that)

 

[desiderata310]

Just wanted to validate this, because it's an accurate observation. They really are two different worlds, two different kinds of work.

Thank you for that. I think that in the pursuit of simply being employed, (over the past 4 or 5 years) that I've managed to forget this fact and more importantly forgotten that it was important to me.

 

[desiderata310]

Can you push through, doing the bare minimum, knowing that you've already 'tidied up' a lot of it?

I think that I can push through a lot more than I THINK I can. I think that I often have and do. I think that more often than I would like to admit, I suffer as a consequence.

Desi is going to be a bad ass until she can't and then when she can't she REALLY won't be able to.

So, I've been trying to gauge this off of how quickly I shoot off. Anger has been a really interesting issue for me of late and I think it's related to this and it's all leaking out in really bizarre places.

Two days ago I gave chase to someone who blared their horn at me (on a share way) and then passed me a little too damn close.When I caught up with them, I started screaming at them a lecture (peppered with my favorite four letter combos) about shareways and idiots in big vehicles. Dude was in an SUV he was trapped listening to me go on for QUITE A WHILE as he was blocked by a truck that was backing into the street. The truck that was backing out into the street had their window down and stopped to listen to me with wide eyes. Even as I was doing this I was silently and from some far off place marveling at how incredibly dangerous and stupid what I was doing really was and wondering if I this was some sort of dream or nightmare.
That was... Monday?

I thought I was doing better yesterday: I only screamed (covered by the noised of the passing vehicle) that I hated them (they'd been blaring their music too loudly)

TODAY,
Well, today I'm not so sure. Here in this city there are these intern-type kids that are trained to try to engage passers by to get them to stop and talk to them about WHATEVER the flavor of the day cause is. I had my head down, walking with purpose, resting bitch face going. There was a chick to my left and a building to my right. I went between tables and building to avoid this kid and for some reason he zoned in on me. I kept saying " no" louder and louder right up till he started the hard sell bull shit of 'ah come on, you know you're a nice person..."
to which I found myself screaming:
"I WILL f*ckING CUT YOU, BITCH"

All I had on me was an umbrella. I wouldn't have hurt him and said so to the slightly aghast lady he had decided to pass up in favor of talking to me.
but saying that felt REALLY good.
Scary good.
BTW, folks, this is NOT the kind, gentle Desi, that I know. I have NO idea where this shit is coming from. I am not USUALLY an angry person.

All that to say that yes, I COULD push through, but the cost might be a bit high.

 

[scout86]

I'm going to reluctantly admit that made me laugh. I know it's not all that funny from where you're at, but it IS kind of funny. There's an evil part of me that enjoys seeing stupid people get some version of what they've got coming.

As far as toughing it out goes....... Difficult call. Is an honest conversation with your boss an option? "Ok Boss, here's the deal. I'm about at the end of my rope (Bad choice of metaphor. SORRY!) I don't want to leave you guys in the lurch, but this is seriously bad, life or death, from my point of view. Can we come up with a plan that will make the next 2 weeks (pick an appropriate time period) work for all of us?" His answer will be some version of yes or no. He can put his bottom line needs on the table. You do the same. See if something can work. It either does or it doesn't. But taking care of yourself is more important than their convenience. They can manage, one way or another. If, with reasonable accommodations, you can help their situation, get paid, and not push beyond your limits, great. If not? Make good your escape.

 

[desiderata310]

OH f*ck. The only thing more that they would get out of me is day of show next Saturday and the following Thursday. I am beginning to think I might do that, give them the option to just let me out and pay me my two weeks or if they insist I'll push through and only be in the building when absolutely necessary. It might Napalm the relationship.